Hoarding mother sending 20 boxes of books!

[Toomanysquishmallows]

Hi , hoping for a sympathetic ear . My 78 year old narcissist mum lived in a care home . She has cousins clearing her house . I live 70 miles away and have two children with autism. We live in a very small council flat . On Wednesday the cousins arrived and deposited 20 boxes of books and rubbish! I’m talking filthy kitchen scales and cheese graters . I know have an unusable living room . I spoke to my mum today , and she merely said I could wait for my brother who I barely see to collect the stuff. I’m currently in total despair at the state of my flat .

Yup!

I don't see that it's the cousins responsibility to go through their aunt's stuff.

They have done a decent thing by clearing the house, presumably so it can be put up for sale or handed back to the landlord.

The OP's cousins shouldn't be the ones to make decisions about what photos and personal items to keep and what to throw away. If the OP's mother won't or can't do it herself, the OP and her brother are the obvious people.

I quite appreciate that it is frustrating for the OP to be landed with loads of stuff she doesn't want, especially if her brother is not helping to sort through it, but surely this is something we expect to do for our parents?

When my parents died, my siblings and I spent hours clearing their houses and going through their belongings. We did the same when my husband's mother went into a care home (and again when she died).

It didn't occur to me to be cross with any of them for not de-cluttering enough - or to be annoyed with my cousins for not sorting out and disposing of the stuff.

This!l the cousins have done the children a favour clearing the house for them. I can’t believe no one had given them any credit for their efforts.

@caringcarer if the photos were that important then the mother should’ve sourced them herself to be honest.

House clearance should have been used - I would not be at all grateful to your cousins. I’d have no hesitation in getting rid as fast as I could including using the tip.

@TerfTalking I’m assuming the OP couldn’t do it as she doesn’t drive so couldn’t get there and couldn’t drop off boxes wherever they need to go but it’s not OP responsibility either. I get that other people do it for their parents and grandparents and such, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to or that it’s a child responsibility to empty the house either. it’s a nice sentiment and I get it but it’s not a given.

Hi , @Positivenancy the house is 70 miles away and I am a full time carer for my two autistic children. I do feel in retrospect, that professional clearers would have been a much better option . However my mum wanted to pay the cousins to do it .

Do yourself a favour and bin all of it.

Having to clear hoarding parent's junk is horrible. You feel guilty, dirty, annoyed, resentful about the job and generally wonder why the hell they haven't done it themselves.

Minimise the time you waste on doing it so you can get your living room back.

So the cousins were paid to do it, then dumped a load of it on you?! That's thoughtful of them!

House clearance is the best option. No need for any relative to do it themselves and you can ask the house clearance company to keep back any paperwork or photos if necessary.

Phone the council and see if they will uplift it for you. I think they will do this in some areas and if you explain your circumstances you might qualify for it.

No way would I be going through all that. It sounds like you don't have the best relationship with your mum anyway so I doubt you are going to find any treasured mementoes in there.

I care for my autistic child too and it already takes so much mental effort you really don't need this. If the books are modern paperbacks Oxfam might take them but they won't want any musty old ones.

Tell the cousins there was something valuable hidden in the boxes.they won’t drip off again.

Does your mother have funds ? Hire a skip , get delivered and they also collect it.

Does your dp drive? Maybe he could take it to the tip for you.

Agreed that the book selling websites are only any use if your books are in immaculate condition, which they won't be in this situation. Tip the lot. And agreed about photos - my mum's photos give her geat pleasure but about 99.5% of them mean nothing to us and even if they did, we wouldn't suffer from not having them.

I agree, when we moved, I tried to sell books via some of the apps, so many were not accepted and those that were were worth almost nothing. I think you needed £5 worth in order to be able to send them for free and it was so difficult even to get to that figure that I gave up and sent them all to the local charity shop!

Hi , I’ve decided I’m going to do a tip run with the books . The amount of them is overwhelming. Thank you to everyone who has given advice.