Widowed mum

[Iedm2022]

I am in my 40s and I could count on 1 hand the holidays my husband and I have had with our children because historically my parents always came with us. That is until my father passed away. Ever since, my mother who has always been very close to me is driving me crazy. She has come on every holiday with us since my dad died and whenever I bring up going on holiday ourselves, she says she is fine with that but I know she is not. She makes me feel incredibly guilty. I have no other siblings and she has no friends as cared for my dad until his death. She is very passive aggressive and feel that if I ever speak honestly and openly she takes it so personally and then I just feel guilty all over again. I don't know what to do. I absolutely hate confrontation (she knows this) so feel that she plays on that because as soon as she pushes back I feel incredibly anxious.

You have 2 choices:

1. Carry on being manipulated and guilted into putting your mum's needs/feelings before yours, your husband and your children or
2. Stop being a doormat.

Your mum is only in her 60's she could be working, doing voluntary work, get a hobby, make her own friends. Your are not responsible for a grown adult. I am 63 and have a full life and independent. I feel sorry for your children, all your attention is on your mum. You need to read up on fog (fear, obligation and guilt) you are entitled to boundaries and a life. Resentment and obligation is the thief of joy.

My mother was like this, manipulative and controlling, she thought I should be responsible for her happiness. It ended up my stopping all contact. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I should have said she is 77 with some mobility issues x

You just book a holiday and don't invite her. It's perfectly fine to holiday without her, you've done your bit. If you choose to invite her in the future that's your decision. There's no need to feel guilty. Guilt is a pointless emotion, either do something with good grace or don't do it.

Is it necessary to discuss going on holiday with her?

Is there anything that can be done regarding her social life such as clubs, societies, church, groups etc or is she a loner?

Being assertive is like first using a muscle. It's weak and wobbly but with practice it becomes strong. Start of pushing back gently. Then start standing your ground.

If you really can't be bothered then just don't tell her anything you don't want her to know and keep things to yourself.

Do you even need to tell her you are booking a holiday? Practice telling her a lot less about your life.

At the moment you are prioritising her wishes over your husband, your kids and your own. TBH I think you are lucky your husband hasn't lost it with if he's never had a holiday without your parents.

'She says she is fine with that'

Then act on that. Go away without her. She's in as good a physical state as she will ever be.

If you normally tell her everything, then keep doing so. Tell her how much you're looking forward to it, keep in touch, go and see her afterwards. Jeez, it's a holiday! Show her that you will be OK and that you will trust what she says - that she is strong enough to cope. Your belief in her will help.

I'd start off by planning a family holiday that she couldn't go on - like skiing or something where she wouldn't be able to do it. I'd present it as a fait accompli and say that my husband had booked it as a surprise.

In the meantime I'd do my best to get her involved in groups like the WI or similar. It's really unfair that she's so dependent on your family, but at the same time if she doesn't have friends it's difficult for her, too.

You need to look into groups or organisations she can get involved with locally. Look for an active retirement group. They meet up regularly, do different activities, go on days out and go on cheap brakes off season.

See if their is a day care centre as some have bus that will collect her, bring her there and back. She can meet people of her age have a chat and do things like crafts ect.
I would also also look into groups that she might have an interest in like say a stitch and bitch if she into crafts, reading group, the local historical society ect.
Her local library could be aware of groups like this in the area.

If she got involved in some groups it would get her out of the house, help her meet people and give her something to look forward to.

The reality is that you, your husband and kids deserve to have a family holiday that suits you and not her needs. Your children have a few years of family holidays and as they get older the type of holidays you go on will change.

I would also take into consideration that in a few years time you're mother might need more help/ care and it could be harder to head off in this situation.