"you're not my carer, I'm totally independent."

[JohnLapsleyParlabane]

Me: oh really? what do we call me then? Your secretary? A translator? A cleaner?
DF: There's no need to be rude. Did you sort out my phone/internet/pension/car yet?

GAAAAAAAAA!
Hours and hours I spend up here (600miles away from my own home) sorting out whatever paperwork has appeared since the last time, cleaning and decluttering, spending most of my A/L and £££ to travel several times a year. And every time we have a conversation like the above, I just find myself wondering why the hell I bother.

This visit is resulting in me needing to get his personal pension provider and HMRC to talk to me on his behalf but he won't fix his POA to allow me to do it simply (it named my late DM first, and I can't activate it without his permission. Scotland) so we need to go through whatever individual hoops are required starting with phone calls (he's really deaf, so that's never easy) and I just want a fucking holiday with my children.

Aw, I feel for you. It does seem men can get grumpier as they get older. It is hard for them to realize they depend on someone else for help, especially if they are widowed.

Can you sit with him when you are not frustrated, or ask others in the family to talk to him?

You're not the rude one. first of all.

Hours and hours I spend up here (600miles away from my own home) sorting out whatever paperwork has appeared since the last time, cleaning and decluttering, spending most of my A/L and £££ to travel several times a year. And every time we have a conversation like the above, I just find myself wondering why the hell I bother.

I wonder, too. Can someone else closer geographically step up? Otherwise, I'd research getting an actual carer in. He's treating you like a servant. I wouldn't be showing up for that anymore.

We’ve contributed £££ to the OPG in the last decade,OP, so please get my money’s worth and ask them for advice. There may be a ‘quick’ way to get this changed.

He’s sort of right though. If he is able to manage between several visits a year, I would describe him as completely independent, even if paperwork and the cleaning have got beyond him. My late mum would have descended into complete chaos, put herself at risk and become ill if she wasn’t attended far more frequently than that.

However, what you do for him is still extremely kind, and he is very ungrateful and rude. That must be extremely for you. I hope you get that holiday.

I feel your pain. I live in, but have been told I do nothing. I literally do every single thing involved in running and maintaining the house and looking after aged parent. I draw the line at cleaning and gardening, but I organise outside help for that.

At least I have PoA though. The phone verification/ deaf combo is not something I enjoyed. Persevere with PoA if you can. I found agreeing they were capable helped, but came from the angle of "it would make me happy if you could... " or "It upsets me when ...". Depending on what your relationship with them is like, that might work? Fortunately, mine doesn't like upsetting me and wants me to be happy, so we are usually OK, but there are moments of 🤬 I do hope you can find a way through and get your holiday with your children.

Aww thank you for replying folks. Today is a bit better. It all got a bit much last night. I'm an only child and local-ish extended family do see him every now and then but he puts on a good show for them and they tend to pooh pooh any comments I make.
His attitude of "your mother dealt with that, so I'm not going to" is the most aggravating thing. Along with the 10pm calls asking where "I've" put something that he's moved and not returned to its proper place.
For the last 2.5 years I have made sure he takes his medication 3 times a day, every day. He refuses to engage with dosett boxes, automatic reminders, Alexa, and all the other things which would help me help him. So on that basis, I don't consider him independent.

Would he be open to having a PA? This might take some stressful stuff away from you.

I have asked him about a PA on several occasions and his attitude is that I should just want to remind him to take his medication because it's nice for me to be in touch with my father.
Also he's on state pension plus £1k private pension a year so funding anything is really tricky.

I think for your own sanity you need to set up a dosett box and a timer for his medication and then leave him to it for a week. Tell local people what you are doing so that they can check up on him a bit more frequently that week, but you calling three times a day just to check he has taken his medication is unreasonable. I’m sure he can manage but would prefer not too. If he can’t manage then sone other form of care is needed. If he can then just carry on.

You can’t plan your and dc life around being available to call regularly at a set times. I call my mother daily to check in and even that can feel quite restrictive. She's got better now at me calling not at exactly the same time - a few breezy texts saying tried to call but no answer and I’m going to cinema / driving kids / out with friends and she got better at answering calls at different times.

I have asked him about a PA on several occasions and his attitude is that I should just want to remind him to take his medication because it's nice for me to be in touch with my father.

He sounds arrogant and insufferable, honestly. You must have the patience of a saint.

Make a clear boundary and say you cannot help with paperwork etc any more from a distance and until he signs the POA and allows you to set things up to manage remotely you are unable to give this support. Itis totally impractical from sich a distance. Don’t let yourself be spoken to so horribly.You can still be compassionate kind and involved but do it in a way that’s OK for you too. (From experience)

I’d absolutely do this.

You have to call 3 times a day, so he takes his meds??
What happens when you are ill, or on holiday?

I’d stop doing any admin for him if he won’t sort out the POA, simply say they won’t let you, and are demanding a certified copy of his POA naming you before they will speak to you. On repeat.

If he needs so much help with remembering medication, can he apply for attendance allowance to pay for a small amount of help? Day/lower rate is c £70 a week I think, but that should cover atleast a couple of hours a week if you could find someone privately.

And just on state pension and a very small private pension, would he qualify also for pension credit? Which would also help to pay for more help.

My DF refused help, as he didn’t need it ;), but we found someone that advertised as a Girl Friday, offering services to older people from cleaning, admin, basic food prep, driving to gardening.
Before she started we told him she was ‘just’ helping him clean and put shopping away.

Since you are so far away - and so he couldn’t check- can you have some sort of crisis which means you can’t help for a bit…broken leg and can’t drive or whatever he would believe, but in the meantime you’ve found someone who could help him for a bit until you are better?

That he needs / wants contact with you 3x a day to take his meds, I wonder if one of the real issues is loneliness ?

Would he be open to getting out more ? I know people don't like the idea of day centres, but there are groups for older people run at British Legions, Oddfellows, local singing groups etc. My Dad does singing and dancing and he rarely misses a week. Could your more local family put out feelers to see what's available locally ?