Having Doubts

[allthatjazzhands]

My father was diagnosed with Alzhiemer's three years. I put carers in place and have deputyship.

I suffer from bouts of anxiety and I'm going over in my mind should I have done this or that. I talked a few things over with family but they have taken a step back overall and won't be drawn into it.

I am going to increase the care but I thinking should I have done that before but then my father went through stages of telling the carers to get out of the house.

I am so tired of it and can't think straight. I have always been self critical. Can anyone else relate to this?

I think it will get to the point where my father will have to go into a care home and it will be a relief to be honest. Just needed to vent

You can only do the best you can do at the time. How could you do more?
Spend as much time with him and encourage other to also. Loneliness is the worse thing.

It's definitely a learning curve looking after elderly parents.
Remember that we don't always get it right and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
But we do the best we can.

Not sure if you're in the UK but
Have you applied for Attendance Allowance.
Also if he lives alone he would be exempt from council tax If receiving AA.
Or 25% reduction if living with another council tax paying adult.

There is a community forum on the Alzheimers website with lots of information of people's personal experience.
It was reading posts on that forum that I came across YouTube videos of Teepa Snow who is an American dementia care specialist and occupational therapist, I found her videos to be interesting & helpful.

@Ixoral
Have you applied for Attendance Allowance.
Also if he lives alone he would be exempt from council tax If receiving AA.
Or 25% reduction if living with another council tax paying adult.
My wife gets AA but we pay full council tax. Can you tell me how to apply for the reduction? Thanks

@NotTooOldPaul

You need to contact your local council. Usually there is information on the back of the bill that tells you how to do this or if not google your local council webpage

https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/financial-and-legal-support/council-tax-discount-for-people-living-with-dementia/

@NotTooOldPaul
Like Usersuserse says,
I spoke to local council office & they were really helpful. They sent a form for doctor to complete & I sent this back with copy of letter confirming AA payments.
The over payment of council tax was refunded.

Hope this helps you.

What do you think you should have done? Be kind to yourself, it sounds like you’ve done the right things so far by getting carers in? Are you doubting whether you should have or not?

Thank you for all your replies. I have looked into Attendance Allowance.

I was having a bit of a wobble as my anxiety has been bad lately and I don't really have anyone to speak to who can tell me I am doing all I can.

It's not easy is it but at least the carers are good

Hello OP, I have phoned the Dementia UK helpline at that link above and they were absolutely brilliant, couldn't recommend them enough. Worth a call for some reassurance about how you're going about things perhaps.

It can be very lonely without anyone to help you or who gets it but maybe this forum can help too

Hello OP

my SIL is in the same situation as you. She’s suffered GAD for many years and is dealing with my MIL in a home and FIL who increasingly needs support. She catastrophises about everything, and gives herself a very hard time when things go a bit pear shaped.

it’s normal to get things wrong, it’s just part of life for things to go wrong. If you are doing your best, that’s all you can do. None of us have a guidebook of how to get through and we are all just doing the best we can.

are you receiving any treatment for your anxiety? my SIL has stopped taking medication, and I wish she’d consider going back on it just to give herself a break. She agrees that it helps but seems to feel she’s being ‘weak’ if she ‘gives in’.

I think I know how you feel OP. It’s all such a responsibility isn’t it? We’ve got no pre experience either, no handbook. I used to get so worried and anxious about everything. Are we doing the right thing, is this the right decision , should i give up work and move in with them ( i didn’t do it) etc. Îm better now really , maybe more resigned to the situation, maybe just tired. We are doing the best we can , it’s all we can do .

Yes, this is it exactly. It's a responsibility I haven't wanted. Thanks for understanding

I have phoned Alzhiemer’s Society in the past. They have been good but focus on specific queries rather than giving reassurance when I'm having a wobble.

I've tried medication for my anxiety but it made me feel weird. It comes and goes and I think it is part of the menopause

Do you have siblings? Or does your Dad have them? It’s really hard doing it by yourself. I understand that you need to get other people’s take on things even just reassurance. Then again it has to be someone who really understands as sometimes people give well meaning advice but it doesn’t help. I really think tou have to have walked the dementia road to really know what it’s like. Are there any groups for carers where you live maybe? Somewhere to go and chat?

As he has dementia, you can apply for a Cohncil Tax discount on the grounds of Servere Mental Impairment. If you have the original diagnosis letter, it can be backdated. The money saved can go towards more care. There are also a couple of good FB groups for carers which provide lots of support - Mobilise and Carents Lounge.

Please look after yourself. You can only help if you are well yourself. It seems selfish, but you need to prioritise your own wellbeing. 💐

I think there are some organisations that sponsor support groups for people caring for family members with Alzheimer's.

It might helpful to connect with others to hear how they have handled certain situations, and to share your own experiences, if you think you might feel comfortable doing that.

I think dealing with a parent with altizmers can be hard. Altizmers can effect people differently some people just become very easy to manage and then other people can be very abusive and stubborn. At times it like dealing with an adult sized toddler.
I would get your father's doctor's advice regarding moving him out of his home into a nursing home. Ask them for the homes that are good in the area and go and see them. Put his name down in a few places as it may take time for a place to come up.
This is what a friend of mine was advised to do a few years ago when there mother had altizmers.
She eventually moved into a home and my friend felt bad that she had to go into a home.
They were physically and mentally exhausted by then.
I said you could no longer care for her because she was waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning, she be out the door if it was not locked, she was repeating things, she wanted to go work or home this related to 40 to 50 years previously.

I said in the home they have trained staff with experience. The staff have another staff member to help them and can go home after X number of hours so they have a proper night sleep as well.

It important to eat well, meet up with friends and give yourself brakes for both your own physical and mental health.