My sister and mother both put me under massive pressure to contribute more time to caring for my father, who has dementia. On an almost daily basis, my sister sends me lengthy ‘updates’ - which are actually lists of every single thing she does for my parents. She will literally tell me if she made my father a sandwich or gave my mother a lift to the shops. I am at the point where I feel so guilty and so anxious that it’s having the opposite effect – I don’t want to pick up the phone or visit because all I get is abuse or manipulation and guilt-tripping.
Here’s the thing(s):
- I don’t live in the same country as my family. My sister moved to live 5 minutes up the road from my parents when her kids were small (they are both over 18 now and independent). They provided childcare and babysitting. Every trip ‘home’ for me takes 24 hours of travel and costs a minimum of 1500 euros. I was there for two weeks in March and between lost earnings and travel costs, I can’t afford it again this year but no one is listening and they just expect me to go over 3 or 4 times a year. For the past few years, I have used all my annual leave on trips there. I have not taken a holiday myself since 2020. My partner now goes on her own/with friends.
- My parents are/were abusive narcissists. My mother is an alcoholic and I grew up in a household where I was scapegoated for every little thing. My mother used to hit me, and continued doing so until I was in my 20s. She was emotionally cruel. My sister has physically and verbally attacked me on multiple occasions in the past. All of this informs how they talk to me today. Everything is framed as being my fault, my selfishness, me not doing my bit. When I go over, I have to sleep on the couch because my mother insists on having every radio and TV in the house on full volume, 24/7. She is abusive towards my father and, any time I stay, she just uses the opportunity to get as drunk as possible, as early as possible in the day.
- My sister goes through phases of calling/texting me at 2/3am, leaving a mixture of incredibly abusive messages or manipulative “I can’t do this on my own” messages. A couple of years ago, she did this while with my parents, was too drunk to hang up properly, and I listened for 30 minutes while all three of them eviscerated me and said terrible things about me. This incident has been hanging over me ever since. I feel destroyed by the hurt.
- On the advice of his GP, we moved my father into residential care in March. I went over to organise everything, from the paperwork to the funding applications etc. After a month, my sister and mother took him out of there and brought him back to his home. Both admit that the quality of care he was receiving was excellent (he was way healthier after a few weeks there), they just wanted him home. Not long afterwards, the complaints about how hard it is re-commenced. I organised for a carer to visit a few hours a day to help out but this was rejected.
Every time my phone pings, my stomach lurches. I am afraid of my sister, but don’t have the confidence to ask them to leave me alone. She is in ‘love bomb’ mode at the moment but I can’t trust it. These are not people you can have an honest, reasonable conversation with. I am trying my best to help with the things that I can help with – I make calls, I do paperwork and I am trying to organise residential care again.
I know I am about to be put under intense pressure to ‘come home’ for a couple of weeks in August/Sept. I don’t know what to do. The last time I went over, I came back in such a mess that I started therapy. My sister is love bombing me right now, so I just feel guilty for not wanting to go over there. There is very little more than I can actively do to help. I understand now that she is CHOOSING to be this heavily involved with their care. I keep giving them options but the only one they seem to want is for me to ‘do my share’ and be physically present.
I am struggling to accept myself and that I am not doing anything wrong. I just want them to leave me alone. I read posts in places like this where I see sisters complaining about siblings who aren’t helping and I feel devastated and wonder if I am this awful person.
I am wondering if anyone else has similar experience and understands where I’m at. People are so quick to judge but they don’t know the full story.
Long post. I just needed to write it down. And maybe find some kind of validation. When I write this all down, I can see how toxic it is. So why do I feel so guilty?
Anyone else in a similar situation? Any advice for managing it?