Funeral or direct cremation if hardly anyone to go !

[Tista]

im struggling to know if to arrange a funeral for my mother or direct cremation with an informal tree planting at cemetery at a later date. she didn’t specify but did say where she wants her ashes / tree planted.

she was 82 had dementia was in care home - though died of something else ( not recovering from surgery).

we have no family so would only be me and my husband as definite attendees she had 3 or 4 friends she was in touch with until 4 or 5 years ago , 2 could go the others are too far / health issues.
putt it like that seems like a no brainer to skip a funeral) I’d find it v traumatic rather than helpful - but also want to do right by her and show she valued those friends albeit ages ago. Any suggestions?

I think under these circumstances of very little family and friends to attend a direct funeral would be better for you. Imo funerals are for the living and you are grieving enough without any more upset of a poor turn out of a funeral.

I'd invite her friends to scattering of ashes although older people might like a send off if they ask just say mum wanted the tree planting to scatter her ashes
On repeat.

Sorry for your loss.

I would go direct in these circumstances.

I would go direct cremation, make a family event of the scattering of the ashes, and maybe make some kind of memorial card of the scattering event to send to her remaining friends - a photo of the spot and some suitable words?

In similar circumstances a few years back for dad I did direct cremation, he didn't have any close friends ( he was 90) and people would have only come through obligation. I had no desire personally for a funeral (public show of emotions are not for me). It was frowned on by a distant in-law who said 'but its part of the grieving process' which i don't agree with. They had very rarely seen him and showed little care whilst he was alive so I ignored it. I have no regrets and I know he would have been happier that the money went to his grandsons rather than a funeral director.
Sorry for your loss but she will be at peace now, dementia is a horrible disease💐

I'd do Direct. I've told my dc I would be happy with a Direct crem and then people meet in the local park (or a park of their choice) for a picnic afterwards. But I've said if they felt a funeral service would be helpful to them they could do it.
So I'd only do it if you think it would help you.

Pure Cremation for my husband whose friends and family were either dead or too frail to attend a funeral. We had discussed this before he died.
We planted a tree in local lovely burial ground later on. Family go and look at it every now and then and then have a meal nearby.
It has been fine. I am having the same
Sorry for your loss.

I did for my parent a few years ago. As it would've been my self and 1 other family member attending.

Parent wasn't religious, had dementia for 10+ years.

We collected the ashes and had a gathering at home and put them under a rose in the garden.

I’d do direct too. Plus you sound like you would find it very hard to attend a service and would your mum want you to suffer.

Direct. And take the time to ring your crem and ask them about it. I found them really helpful. You may find it less expensive to arrange through them rather than through a funeral director.

You are all very kind and helpful thank you. I’m sorry for those who lost someone.

There’s some great suggestions there- I’m keener to make the ashes a focus and invite friends- I’d happily take them ( friends!) for lunch- and if they don’t come send a pic of the tree etc.

I suppose in the cold light of day I can’t guarantee any of the 2/ maybe three friends would actually come to funeral so is a lot to go through just cos think she’d expect it and feel like letting her down. Be sad for her to only have 4 people there max ?!
ill give the crem a call anyway I think - funeral director already involved as they had to move her - cost not the concern.

Just in case it helps anyone in similar position- I decided to “visit” to have a cup of tea/ say bye at chapel of rest -closed coffin- friends can go too if they want to and you can bring small things to go in coffin or put up whilst you are there.

Then direct cremation, and at later date ashes to be interned at cemetery where she wanted them ( along with tree planting). Friends invited to latter and it will be super informal.

i Hope it’s a mix of what she would be happy with and what’s right for those still here/ the time- might be different if was a decade ago.
it’s left me feeling v peaceful with the decision.

That all sounds lovely I know that's not the word I want but it does sound dignified and gives friends an opportunity to say their farewells.

I think a friend of my dad's family did this they had a direct burial though but they had a time set aside so people could visit the Funeral parlour and they had a book of remeberence.

I think you’ve managed it brilliantly. Hope you are doing ok too.

Widowed 95yo DAunt (not religious) only had 1 elderly friend left who was too frail to travel for any funeral and not computer savvy enough to look at any videolink. There are 4 of us family for any gathering. So we had a direct cremation and then took her ashes to her favourite holiday spot to scatter them at a remote beach and we then went out for lunch at her favourite restaurant. We sent the friend a postcard of the beach as they had holidayed there together many times.