Worried about becoming a carer

[PandaWorld]

I know I will probably get some slack here but I don't know where else to turn.
I live in London with my parents at the age of 39. I am embarrassed by this but also know that as a single person it isnt so easy for me as it is for my siblings who are on low wages but have very much higher earning partners. This has enabled them to have their own flats because of that.
I have 2 autoimmune diseases. Both fairly controlled, although one seems to be flaring up quite a bit but that isn't a surprise given how stressed I have been of late.
With that said, you would think it was my mother with the chronic illnesses. I have young parents who are only in their early to mid sixties. My mother is constantly exhausted despite not having to work since she was in her forties. She also constantly complains of knee and foot pain as well as dizziness. She is also deaf after covid last year although it seems to be only me she can't hear. She won't get any of this treated and has not seen a GP because 'Once they get hold of me, I will be in for all kinds of tests.' Her head is very much buried in the sand and it is infuriating. Now, she has come down with covid yet again (despite having it just six months ago).
No, it isn't her fault but I do feel that not taking responsibility for her other health issues is. I am really worried that she is like this at such a young age. My father in comparison is super fit and healthy. Yet I have sleepless nights worrying about becoming the carer when I have my own health issues to contend with, both of which don't seem to be acknowledged. Is there any point trying to make my mother become more responsible about her health?
Please be kind in the replies.

I don't understand why you'd get slack, and don't be embarrassed about your living circumstances. Nothing to be embarrassed by, everyone is different with different situations going on.

Denial and believing one test leads to another is extremely common in older people. They resist all help because they believe once they see about something it kickstarts others. My mum holds this belief and it can get very fustrating. When it comes to hearing especially, as nothing worse than talking to someone who constantly can't hear you yet sees no problem with it. My mum has hearing loss (though she is in her 80s), but won't see about it. I talk to her and she just looks back at me vacantly, or denies I've told her something I know I have and she just hasn't heard. Everyone is either talking too quiet, never her hearing that's the problem 🙄.

I would try to find a way of discouraging stubborness now rather than later. Is she easy to talk to? What does your dad say about it? Set boundaries and make it clear what you are and are not prepared to do. My parents are in their 80s, and haven't done any forward planning. They expected I was going to take over and do everything, despite having a family of 3 children. I've dealt with 5 years of stubborness, denial and entitlement. I never saw it coming either but wish I had so could have nipped it in the bud sooner.

Thank you for understanding and being kind.
My father sometimes says to her 'You really do need to go and get a full check up at the GP' but she just turns it into a joke or dismisses it. I don't know what she is thinking as she must know deep down that the many health problems will not just disappear and will only intensify the longer she leaves it. I can't help feeling resentful that she won't do it for me even.

We have a neighbour who cares for her parents who are in their eighties and it's all very sad. This woman is in her fifties, works full time and lives with parents as well but is effectively a live in carer. Luckily she has no physical health issues herself but I look at her and think that will be my life very soon and it honestly makes me feel deep terror.

I know I need to make it clear what I am and am not prepared to end up doing but how to broach the conversation when she doesn't even think there is an issue is difficult.

I know I need to make it clear what I am and am not prepared to end up doing but how to broach the conversation when she doesn't even think there is an issue is difficult.

It is very difficult when the person is in denial. It is impossible to navigate. Do you have anyone in the family who could talk to her? Maybe the more people there are saying it, the higher chance there is she'll listen? What about raising your concerns with her gp? Ask them not to say you were in touch, and maybe they'll invite her for a 'routine check up'?

I feel your pain. My parents are in their 80s, declining and edging very close to needing care. As well as not having the resources to do much, I am only prepared to help out, not actually offer 'care'. It is a horrible prospect if you don't want to be a carer, but you can still help without becoming a lm actual carer.

Needing at a young age?
i have Parkinson’s at 62, affecting me more than I’d like after 7 yrs, yes it annoys me.
not needing carers yet, much younger than others with degenerative conditions

Why do you think you will inevitably end up caring for your parents? Do you not feel that you have any agency in this? Are you able to set boundaries with your parents and stick to them? For exactly, how are the household chores shared just now? How are the finances arranged? Are you living there as an independent person who’s choosing to do so for practical reasons? or are you (sorry) the one who never quite managed to leave?

i think you are unlikely to be able to make your mum change her approach to her own healthcare. So the only bit you can control is what you do.

are you planning to continue living with your parents? Do you envisage a future where you move out, maybe find a partner?

if your neighbours future is not the one you want, then you may have to actively take steps to avoid it. Nothing is inevitable.

You don't have to be a carer if you don't want to be, but it's easy to gradually slide into it without meaning to!

Decide on some boundaries now and stick to them. Presumably you're already done some portion of shopping, cleaning and cooking as you live there but what happens when they can't do their share any more.

And make plans to move out. When I was on a low income I lived in various house shares or rented a room in someone's house. Could you move to a cheaper part of the country?

It sounds awful to say it, but what would you do if they both needed to go into care and the house sold to pay for it? If they don't own it then same applies if they're no longer able to pay the rent.

I think you need to try to find a way to move out.

meantime, detach from them a bit. Don’t involve yourself in discussions about your mum’s health. Set boundaries. This book is brilliant.

or are you (sorry) the one who never quite managed to leave?

i hope I didn’t hurt your feelings with this. What I mean is: do you tend to drift into situations rather than consciously deciding what to do? If so you are maybe correct to be concerned that you’ll ‘end up’ doing more caring than you necessarily want to.

I really think you should look into living elsewhere.

There will be a time when it's very hard to leave.

Move out, OP. It's the only way to get some healthy emotional distance. Often see people your age and older setting up house shares online.

You cant have your cake and eat it

Either move out or accept that if you live with them that you will have to do more a they get older.

I assume that you are working OP, but don't earn enough money to be able to afford your own place.
Your mum may moan a lot about her health, but there may not be a great deal that's wrong. I have known moaners live to a good old age (late 80s).
You cannot change what your parents are like. But you need to think about what lifestyle changes you can make yourself.
Do you have to stay in London ? Could you afford to buy somewhere outside London.
Would you be able to afford a house share and would you be able to receive any help with paying rent?

Having my cake and eating it ? Well that's a first. Laughable to be honest.
Yes I do work but I have two chronic diseases. I have too much savings however to qualify for help and am single. My siblings have only been able to move because they have much higher earning partners. That's the only thing they have done different to me.
As for my mother's health, I spoke with my father earlier and even he admitted he is worried so it isn't just me overthinking it or her just having a moan.

They own the house and are wealthy. I do more than my fair share of housework and cooking too, much more than my siblings ever did.

Moving somewhere really cheap is my only option but a worry when I think of how isolated I would be and not having someone to help if things flared up with my illnesses.

Lots of people have to do this though. I know it's hard, I've done it myself! Several times.

I don't know anyone who was able to move straight from living with parents to their own place with (or without) partner. Most went into renting a room or sharing a house for several years. I did that for nearly a decade before I could afford somewhere on my own. That gives you people around and the beginnings of a network in a new area. Is your job dependent on being in a certain area?

Good luck! If I hadn't left when I did I'd have ended up as a live-in carer and wouldn't have had my career, met my DH or started my own family.

Most people I know have moved in with partners straight from living at home.
Life in a couple is arguably easier in many ways. I am happy being single but unless I move somewhere else very cheap then I can't afford my own place in this area. Many of the people I know wouldn't be able to without their partners either.
My own health isn't great so I won't physically be able to become a carer to my parents, but I also know that by default, that is what I will become if things don't drastically change.

It's up to your mum what she does. You do have the choice to move out into a spare room or house share.

What do your siblings say about the situation- are they aware? Do they live locally enough to help?

Don't allow everything to fall to you because you live with your parents. Explain to your siblings that if and when the times comes you'll need them to step up and care as well, preferably with some kind of schedule.

However I do think you're worrying a bit too much about something that isn't happening yet.

What things do you think can drastically change? Your mum goes to the doctor and she will be cured so she will never need help again?

She’s in her sixties, she might just be having a moan but equally she could well be developing some health problems just like you have.

You could say that you will not be providing any care for them but equally they could say the exact same thing to you. If you don’t want to move out then perhaps you should be looking at getting your own carers in to help you who can then help your parents if needed.

Well her blood pressure and cholesterol could be managed for a start ?
She got diagnosed with high BP many years ago but has not followed up on it. Same with the hearing. That could be supported as well. As I said in my OP, it's the stubbornness and not willing to do anything about the issues which is concerning me. If she was helping herself and getting treatment then I wouldn't be so worried.

I take responsibility for my health and will probably need outside carers as I get older.

My siblings don't have any health issues of their own. They absolutely will have to step up but they have the luxury of space and distance.

I think my only option is to move somewhere very cheap as thats the only solution here.

I think my only option is to move somewhere very cheap as thats the only solution here.

It is definitely your best bet. Live your own life, OP.

Oh Jesus my DM is the same. When im round my parents.
Shouts up to me when im on the toilet knowing damn well she is not going to hear me answer back so i have to keep shouting while trying to wipe my arse. I have bowel issues which are being investigated so i go to the loo a lot I dread having to go while im there because stress makes it worse and she makes it stressful Why fucking shout up at me from downstairs when she knows she isnt going to hear the answer.

Last weekend my dad was watching the Glastonbury coverage. Cyndi Lauper was on. She moaned all the way through it saying it was too loud. Yet Saturday Night Takeaway and Britains Got Talent are almost full capacity volume when they are on, its deafening.

I think high blood pressure and hearing problems can if left, contribute to dementia so maybe mention this to her as they are things that can be perhaps be easily sorted out. It’s really really hard housing wise everywhere but especially in London so even if you weren’t unwell it’s very understandable that you live with your parents, you’re not the only one. Could you put your name on the council housing list? Obviously it would take years if at all to get a flat but there’s no harm going in the waiting list .

This is the site I used to find somewhere to live and most of my friends used too:

www.spareroom.co.uk

My situation (married, children, good health etc) is very different from yours in some respects but I slipped into the role of carer for my mum when my father died because we all lived together although my parents lived in the annex and were reasonably independent. It had been a mutually beneficial relationship but obviously as my father aged I helped him more with caring for mum as she had severe mobility issues. I would cook their main meals in the evening, do their washing, take her shopping.

When my dad died I knew I would have to do more but I never considered that it would take over the whole of my life in the way it did. Over the course of 10 years mum deteriorated physically and cognitively. Even with carers twice a day I was unable to leave her for more than an hour without her needing something. I know it is hard but the only way you can be sure it won't become your responsibility is by putting physical distance between you and her.

My mother was also reluctant to engage in any sort of medical investigations and wouldn't even have her eyes tested in case they found a bleed on the brain! So frustrating!