Getting DH to face up to things

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Hi. Im looking for advice from anyone who has had to get their partner t face up to the reality of their parents decline.
Context is I no longer have my parents. I was a carer for two years and it was a privilege and a strain. I will not go through that again with DHs parents. They live quite far away though so contact with them is all on us. His mother has very recently and rapidly declined. Doesn’t seem to be “there” much of the time and doing silly things such as leaving hob on etc. Struggling to recognise people.
Ive told him he needs to start getting medical support - or at least a diagnosis. His father is physically frail so they depend on each other.
The problem is DH just says “yes” and “I know” but doesn’t act . He is good to them, sees them regularly etc but just doesn’t want to take the next step.
I know I could sit back and say it’s nothing to do with me, but having been a carer I know how hard you have to fight for help. He needs to start this now.

Has anyone been in this situation and if so what did you do that made a difference?

I should have added that he is an only child so nobody else is available to support them

Anybody?

Can you call age concern and ask them to speak with him? Getting someone else to go through the practicalities can often help if he won’t listen

Sorry you and your husband are doing through that. I think from his point of view it can be hard to accept that the next stop is necessary. Is his dad mentally okay? Has he spoken with him about his mum's decline? Would.they even accept help?

You can tell him until you're blue in the face but if he doesn't want to do it, he won't. So you either step back and leave him to it, or step in and pick up the reins.

@Mouswife Age Concern is a great idea - hadn’t thought of them - thanks.

@Throwawayme Thankyou. His Dad id mentally ok for his age , but gets upset and confused easily. I think they would accept help as they know things aren’t right . The problem is they are not capable of sorting it themselves - DH needs to do this and the sooner the better in my opinion.

To be honest the speed of her decline has really shocked me. If its some form of dementia ( I may be wrong ) I didn’t realise it could come on so quickly

It may be well have been hidden by her husband
My DMs seemed to come on quickly but since transpired that she hasn't cooked a meal, done any cleaning, washing or housework etc for 5 years as she was declining slowly.

Are they claiming attendance allowance? use it to buy in cleaners

They have cleaners already. It’s medical help and support they need.

When you say this has come on her quickly.. how quickly.. not a UTI perchance?

Oops posted too soon.. I think that’s the problem. DH can see that on a practical level they are OK , but gets really stressed to think about what the next steps is re getting a diagnosis etc

@Bonbon21 Absolutely I think it could be a UTI. But she needs to go to a doctor and wont/cant go ..thats what DH needs to sort for her. At the very minimum.Its sounds like Im having a go at him and Im not. I realise this can all be overwhelming but I think if he made a start then we’d get some facts and facts are much easier to deal with rather than worrying about all possibilities

I was very hands off when FIL became ill, because I knew that DH would drop 100% of it in my lap very quickly. Having worked in care, I knew exactly what would happen and sadly that's hitting crisis before the lightbulb moment.

As a safeguard, I would contact social services (adult helpdesk local to them) and I would email/write to their GP stating your concerns. But unless you want to be carer again, this is on your DH.

Does he know who their GP is?
They won't be able to answer questions but he could flag up the his parents are struggling and MIL has declined rapidly. Some GP's will find a pretext for calling in elderly patients for a check up.

Thanks. I think he needs to do both - adult social services and GP. I think I will give him a summary of peoples advice and say Im prepared to help him, but I cant help them directly. I don’t want him to think I wont support him , but I wont do it for him. We are seeing them this weekend so hopefully gives me an opportunity to show him how they are getting worse

I may be wrong here, but it sounds an awful lot as though your DH knows that stuff needs doing and is just expecting you to do all the work instead of him.

After all, you've had practice at being a carer, and more importantly, you have a uterus.

Already you're the one who feels enough sense of responsibility to take on the mental load. You're even posting on Mumsnet to ask for advice on what to do next to "convince" your DH. Because apparently it's all your job to make things happen.

I suspect your DH will just sit tight and continue to do nothing while you get on with sorting everything out.

You could try saying if he doesn't act now that any diagnosis will come as a result of an accident. Sadly this is fairly common. Good luck it is really hard as you obviously know

It’s possible that your husband will have no influence, sadly. They might bat him away, tell him they can manage fine and not to fuss.

I think it often takes a specific crisis to bring everything into the open and force older people who have been independent for many years, often since they left their childhood homes, to face the truth. For example, your FiL going into hospital for a couple of days and your MiL wandering the streets because he’s not there to keep an eye on her.

This was my situation. I’m an only child. My parents were burying their heads in the sand about my mother’s obvious dementia. Dad insisted that they were coping. He went into hospital as a day case on one occasion, but they kept him in overnight as a precaution. My mother decided to go and visit him in hospital - at midnight! She was seen by a passerby at an obsolete bus stop waiting for a nonexistent bus wearing a summer dress at midnight in late October. The passerby called the police - long story short, the police made a referral to social services and things started happening the next day. It was taken out of my father’s hands, effectively.

It’s positive that your ILs have cleaners. My parents resisted that for many months. At least it means their home is hygienic and someone is going in and out regularly.

@BESTAUNTB Thats exactly the scenario I fear.

I don’t think DH is waiting for me to do it. He knows I wont. He’s just burying his head in the sand.

Wondering if you can you pitch it as ILs needing practical and/or medical help.

DH was in denial about FIL's dementia til the very end, but he provided a lot of support around organising carers, district nurses, bill-paying, home maintenance, etc.

I think you are just going to have to leave it be. You’ve said enough already.

I don’t get involved with mil as I feel it’s dh role and I do enough (more than enough).

I'm assuming he has never approached them wrt power of attorney?

Will he engage with a book? I've been reading and listening to a lot of books and podcasts about dementia recently (FIL just gone into a home, mum I think heading into dementia). At the moment I'm reading a book called The Twilight Shepherd. It's very short and accessible, and is written by a (male) doctor about the practicalities of starting to help care for your parents - it's based on his own experience of caring for his parents, with the added insight of being a hospital doctor. It's very good, very short, and totally practical (ie at this stage you need to do this, this and this).

Could he just think about the immediate short term? If it is a UTI or other infection, his mum will get worse if it’s not treated, and that will be distressing for her and his dad. So she needs that doctor’s appointment. That’s the most urgent thing.

One option is to write to the ageing person's GP, outlining your concerns. They can't breach confidentiality by discussing the person with you. But they may call the person or make a visit - one could say to the GP that in your view a kind of MOT/review would be helpful.

Obviously the person may then deny that they want/need any intervention, but at least you can feel that you've expressed your concerns to a health care professional.

That's tough OP. I think you need to be hard on him, schedule a sit down talk rather than a throw away remark and be very very firm. He needs to do something NOW they are at risk. They are old and will get worse and then they will die. That's a fact. If he does nothing he is partly responsible for any injuries they may get and is a disappointing son who will also lose the respect of his wife. Tell him you will support him as he cares for them. Then maybe help with the research stuff, provide him with phone numbers etc. If you need to get folders, brochures, help with admin stuff as that's what overwhelms some people.

Beyond that I don't know what you can do, but I think its a good place to start.