Unhappy Aunt

[user1468867181]

Family members including myself believe that my uncle has dementia. He refuses to be assessed and my aunt doesn't want to push him to do this as she doesn't believe that any treatments are available and that he would become distressed. He is in his late 80s as is my aunt. My uncle's memory is now very poor and he can become angry if challenged so we simply agree with him, say that he didn't hear or just distract him. Unfortunately my aunt is really struggling to cope. She has never been a patient person and my uncle constantly asking the same questions over and over again is really stressful. She has mobility issues herself and we think possibly depression. She is reluctant to leave him alone.

We are encouraging her to try to get out of the house to give her a break and my cousin and I can support her to do this but she is very reluctant. My uncle is safe to be left at home and a relative can be with him if needed. We have also suggested that they pay for someone to come to their house to sit with him once a week or to help my aunt with the housework so that she has company.

Can anyone suggest how we might support my aunt apart from listening to her complain incessantly?

Maybe let them know that there are several, easily treatable, deficiencies that can mimic dementia - pernicious anaemia, thyroid issues, folate or vitamin D deficiency for example. Their lives could be a lot simpler if he just went to discuss these issues with an GP and had an initial blood test. If it is actually dementia he doesn’t, for the moment, have to accept any help, but if it is something like PA, their lives could be helped enormously if he had a hydroxocobalamin injection every 3 months.

Their gp could see them if they agree, social services could assess them, if neither of them want or agree to help then there will be a crisis, even if there's no treatment he may benefit from medication. There will come a time when he's not safe to be alone, one of them becomes ill, falls, is there power of attorney in place.

I agree with persuading her to get him checked out by the Dr.

In the meantime contact your local Age UK to find out what's available in the community. There are also helplines for carers and groups she may be able to attend. The Red Cross often have volunteers who befriend.

A day centre so she gets a break, a gentle walk, coffee mornings, carer cafés, chair yoga.Does she belong to a local church? Do they have anything on offer?

Help her to organise a cleaner and gardener if necessary. Perhaps some batch cooking for the freezer for when she's feeling overwhelmed. Can you take your uncle out for a drive to give her a couple of hours?

I suspect part of the problem is that your uncle actually isn't safe to be left on his own. Your aunt lives with him so she knows the full extent of the difficulties and it is very likely she hides it from others (despite all the complaining). He may only seem to be 'okay' if she is there to ensure nothing goes wrong.

If she goes out and leaves him with someonelse, those problems are going to be exposed. She also has mobility issues so that probably adds to her reluctance to leave the house.

In terms of how you can help, you could offer to organise a regular cleaner although I am will to bet they won't accept, any more than they will accept a sitter - they don't want others in the house. But they might for example accept you doing an internet grocery shop and having it delivered for them?

Thanks for the responses. We have a younger family member who has offered to help my aunt with the housework. This would also give her some company but she is still reluctant. They have started to have a gardener for a couple of hours a week. We have suggested that my aunt takes a break by attending a day centre but again she is very reluctant to do this. I think that part of the problem is that my aunt was never a very social person and getting her to engage outside the family is hard work.

That is good news re the gardener.

Would you be able to persuade your aunt to go out for a shorter period, to do less group orientated things? That will probably seem less daunting to her. For example, invite her to go for a walk with you for half an hour, or a trip to the local shops - something simple and basic may seem more doable, and you may subsequently be able to get her to venture further afield.

Day centres aren't for everyone, it isn't something I'd like to do now and I'm even less likely to want to do it in 20 years time!

this as she doesn't believe that any treatments are available and that he would become distressed

This is abusive because depending on the type of dementia there are medications that delay the decline. Dementia is progressive and irreversible so the more you slow it, the bettter for the patient.

If she's left him unassessed and untreated, you need to tell her she has abused him because he's lost the chance of treatment.

This can be a huge thing for people, Delaying decline by even a few years may be enough to take the person to the end of their life with reasonable cognition.

Every month she's waited, she's let him suffer irreversible damage that can now no longer be delayed.

I can't bear people like this who think they know it all but know nothing.

So you need to challenge her on this in no uncertain terms.

Next she needs to apply for attendance allowance which is not means tested.

Then she needs to have a carers assessment and/or look at getting private carer support - either through an agency (but very hit and miss as some staff are very poor and untrained) or advertisting yourself on Facebook, local sites or sites like The Lady carer webpage.

It's very common with dementia for relatives to wait until a crisis and they can't cope at all before seeking help;. Dont let that be your aunt.

Your aunt can get an assessment as a carer as well as your uncle can. Have they both had this?

I think that's a bit harsh. Maybe the aunt is confused or frightened?

Maybe the aunt is confused or frightened?

It doesn't matter what the motive is. The end result is the same. You have someone who is unwell who needs medical review. As a dementia sufferer he is totally dependent on others to ensure he receives medical review and treatment. It's just no answer to say I'm not going to push him because there is no treatment when there very well maybe.

What would you say if the situation involved a huge cancerous growth and a person with dementia was refusing to go to the doctor? Would you think it's ok to just go 'oh well he won't go to the doctor and I can't make him'? It's the same issue but in a different form.

I've seen this so often. Recently one where the partner didn't like people taking any medication of any kind because she didn't trust it.

@CarerMcSharer
Would you say that compassion is your strong suit?

Would you say that compassion is your strong suit?

Yes actually - compassion for vulnerable people especially those with dementia who are completely reliant on others.

and if you read my first post I made very specific recommendations for the aunt that would help.

I think I would at least get the young family member to just turn up and try, to coax a little bit. It's increasingly common for there to be couples both of whom have cognitive impairment- organising different options may seem impossible even for the one who is supposed to be OK.