DF is 79 and still doing well...when does old age kick in

[theapi]

DF is one of life's doers. He doesn't sit still and he's always looking to keep busy, his car is cleaned every week, the grass is mowed twice a week as well as neighbours, and he's so keen to help he's actually scared off his young neighbours by giving them "too many suggestions" as he put it, cringe!

Anyway, he is nervous of turning 80. Presumably because it means he is officially old. We've found that he has started aging a little more in the last couple of years, he has pains in his legs and he's a little more wobbly but otherwise he's in good shape.

When did the men in your lives start to turn more frail?

In our family it seems to happen almost overnight.

They are older but still seem quite bombastic, full of life.

Then one day they appear a bit more hunched and look far older. They die within a year of this.

It will be different for everyone, but this seems to have been the pattern of the last few losses in our family.

For me at 61 I find I get tired very easy . I can't bounce back as quickly as I used to . A long walk leaves me exhausted but I believe if you don't use it you will lose it

I don't think it's a specific age, more a set of circumstances that can make someone suddenly frail.

For eg. my dad at 80 was doing okay. Then he got an infection that was really bad, and he was admitted to hospital. He was there for many weeks, and because he wasn't using his legs, the muscles started to waste away. When he went home, he had visits from a physio, but he didn't really do his homework with the exercises, so he never did walk again. He can get around in a wheelchair, but it's strenuous, so he often sleeps in his chair, instead of making the effort of going to bed. The thing is, when you don't go to bed, it really affects you, because your legs are never elevated. That has had more impact on him, like swollen legs and rashes. Because he isn't moving around he gets severe constipation. It's almost like he was okay, but then got hit by one thing, and like a pack of dominos, everything started to go wrong because of the knock on effects.

I think this could happen at 75, 85, 95, depending on "luck".

I pray to god that's how I go .

Genes, lifestyle, luck.
I've seen guys still doing races or parkrun in their 80s & 90s, but lost a previously fit and healthy friend to sepsis at 70.

It seems to be that if you look after yourself you minimise the time spent "alive but unwell", and if you take sensible steps, you can maximise the chances of being able to hang on in your own home until you drop.

Obviously it varies hugely! My grandparents were fit and active and mentally alert into their mid/late 80s, when my grandfather died in an unfortunate accident. My grandmother went downhill mentally very rapidly after that and her physical fitness followed.

To be fair, it is pretty rare to be like that over 90. It must be scary to face it, but I'm afraid it's fairly inevitable (and if you get that far you are lucky)

Great way to go!

FIL was 6ft 6, 85 and hugely active. Gardening, getting up on ladders cleaning the guttering, walking the dogs miles. He was brilliant. Then his legs just stopped working one day when he was walking the dogs. Lung cancer that had spread to his brain and he died within weeks. Friend’s grandma was 96 and had been in bed since she was 80. Some people go on and on being amazingly active, others are frail for years. It’s a total mixed bag

Same with my fil. Out shopping and just dropped dead in Lidl. A massive shock of course for his family, he was a lovely man, but good for him that he did not suffer or go into decline.

I want to live to a great age with some mobility and a sharp mind . Have some chocolate and a few glasses of wine , then go to bed and never wake up.

Dad is in his 70s, pacemaker, fairly fragile but still independant. His cousin is in his late 80s, quadruple bypass, still plays tennis 5 times a week and goes on 5 holidays a year and has always provided childcare to his gcs all aged between 15-9. Ageing is personal.

If healthy at end of 70s, you are probably looking at late 80s to early 90s for frailty to kick in as you put it.
Few people get to that age without either physical infirmity or mental infirmity.

My grandad is 98. I lost him at my mums funeral only to find him with a tray collecting glasses
He still plays (slow) golf

My dm is 85 and has deteriorated a lot since 80. Df was probably mid 80s.

My neighbour is 83. He still works as a helper/driver in a funeral home. When it snows here I have to get out fast or he will snowblow my path as well as his own. He swims every week and does a long cycle once or twice a week. He definitely has some back pain he didn't have and he fell recently - think he fell over his dog who he walks 4 times a day.

It really depends on the person. you do slow down gradually but your dad could be fine for years to come and even then may only have to put away a few pastimes and do something else instead.

I volunteer somewhere which is mostly run by men and women in their 80s - some are a bit wobbly but most are still lifting things etc.

I think it's different for different people and being active helps a lot, but when it comes, it comes suddenly.

My Dad is 80. During lockdown the idea that he was "vulnerable" was ridiculous. He'd be out walking for miles and coming home to spend the rest of the day working in the garden.

He was ill 2 years ago and although now free of the illness has never really recovered. A stroll to the shop is about all he can manage.

There’s no way of knowing.

My mother was always healthy and very active until the age of 86 when she started falling regularly and within months was confined to an orthopaedic chair, she couldn’t manage the stairs and it was decided that she was too weak and unsteady to use a stair lift. She died two years ago at 87. Up until she started falling I’d always been convinced that she’d see 100 because she was always so well and looked years younger than she was.

My Dad is 91 and is slowing down, he now lives alone and is quite independent and goes out quite often with his 96 year old neighbour who is still driving.
His biggest health issue is that he had a fall during the first lockdown which caused nerve damage, no treatment was available then due to the pandemic so he’s been left with a pretty useless left arm. He’s recently been told that there’s surgery which could correct it but at his age it isn’t advisable.
Having said that, he still mows his lawns, does his gardening and was jet washing the drive last week when we visited. He also walks quite a lot.

My dad deteriorated very quickly after having covid when he was 70. Before that, he'd get up and go for a 10 mile walk before breakfast or whatever, but it left him deaf in one ear and with very poor balance which had knock-on effects for his overall fitness.

My dad died at 61 but my grandad is still going on bouncy castles and he's 96. He stopped driving recently as h is reflexes are slower but he goes for miles on his mobility scooter.

A SiL’s dad was still playing golf and cooking lunch for friends at 100! Went downhill quite quickly some time after 101 though.

The lucky ones IMO are those who die in their sleep or of a heart attack or stroke - without having really been infirm beforehand. I can honestly say I envied a relative whose parents both did - my DF died of cancer and my DM had many years of dementia. 🙁

As a pp said, I do think a lot of it is down to genes. My DM came from a very long lived family but this was hardly an advantage when it meant about 15 years of dementia and dying at 97, and surviving infections and e.g. a broken hip, which would soon have finished off the less hardy.

My Mother could still do the splits when she was about 75, she was on stage and also performed in circus till she was close to 30. She was fine till 85 and then had nearly a decade of being disabled, was registered blind. MIL is 82 and was a yoga teacher till she was 75, she is still very fit. She said she felt a bit achey to me yesterday as had been chopping firewood as her neighbour let her have some big branches they had removed from their tree. DH great Uncle was fine till 92 and was still walking a round trip of 2 miles to get his paper every day till he dropped dead on the spot, he had been a fireman in London in The Blitz. My Uncle was fine but also just dropped dead at 85, he was a Farmer. My friend I volunteer with is 84 and works three mornings a week in a charity shop and was a tool maker when young. She is amazing as it was incredibly rare to do that kind of job as a woman back then.

All these people have one thing in common, none of them were ever overweight and all had mainly physical jobs. My Mother and MIL were and are very anti sugar. They were and still are outgoing types. So though genes play a huge role this lot are a good example of staying fit, being active.

Thanks everyone for your replies and experiences.

I know it's impossible to guess but I think DF is slowly starting to slow down. He'll be 80 next year and I can see it being a turning point.

For those whose parents have/did slow down. Does this somewhat stop them getting up and about more? I know that seems like a silly question. I just wonder if DF will still keep active, just on a slower level, or if he'll be likely to sit in his armchair more?

It varies a lot OP, no one can tell you how it will happen. My FIL went from being someone who was riding a bike (both a bicycle and a motorbike), swimming etc in his early 80s to just wanting to sit in a chair for the last 18 months or so. He died age 84. On the other hand my dad is 87 and still walking a lot, but much slower than before. So he's slowing down more gradually.

My dad started to seem noticeably older at 70 and became frail at 80. My mum is 81 and still pretty fit, but has always been a nightmare personality wise.

A lot of it is luck of the draw. We pretend we can control it and congratulate ourselves for how "well" we're doing and about the good choices we've made, but that's just us being in denial of our own mortality and a refusal to accept that we can do all the right things and still get unlucky. We all get old and we all die.