None of my business apparently.

[Andthereitis]

For over a year and a half we have been asking the mother in law to go to the GP and ask for a memory test. She's getting worse. Today she came round and started with garbled nonsense. We both sat with her and eventually I suggested she go to the doctors for a memory test.
She said she couldn't go without her husband saying so.
This is a woman who is stroppier and bossier than I am by a million times.
She turned on me and told me her husband, or her sons could tell her but I couldn't.
Husband told her "what she thinks, I think" ... and repeated that she needs to go and see a doctor and ask for a memory test.

She went off in a huff and almost certainly won't go the doctors.
But as she left she started with the conversation she'd come in with, as if she hadn't told us originally.

She's said previously she doesn't want to go as they'll put spikes in her head like her mum and sister had. So the reluctance is not new just a new reason.

I'm a bit hurt that clearly I am not her family in her mind today. And that unfortunately that will stay with me longer than it might do for her.

But what next? We can't drag her, we can't persuade her.

FIL thinks she has a memory problem but can't get her to go and his memory is getting worse but in a different way to how she's forgetting things.

If she has dementia she probably lacks insight into how bad it is. And will struggle with the organization needed to book the GP appointment.

Would both FIL and MIL go 'for a health check' if your DH organised it? It would be v useful for him (or you) to go to the appointment as they will probably not remember examples of how bad their memories are.

It's a long haul, I think it was over a year before I managed to convince my MIL that FIL was not just a bit odd, and yes she needed him to see the GP, and no he wouldn't organize it himself.

She’s probably scared and people say awful things when they are frightened.

It took my sister and I a long time to persuade my dad that mum had issues with her memory. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 8 years ago but she had issues a good few years before.

If your mil will only listen to your fil can your dh not have a quiet word with him, get him to understand the importance of a diagnosis as soon as possible not only for your mil but for him also. Medication can help slow the process down and there is financial help in the form of Attendance Allowance and help available etc.

Its a tough journey but absolutely no point in them burying their head in the sand because if it is dementia it’s not going to get better unfortunately and they’ll need all the help they can get.

She grew up in a generation where men were deemed superior and most people in authority were men so it’s probably just a deep seated thing - I’d get your brother(s) to come and visit her and tell her exactly the same , maybe arrange the appointment and get them to take her

Try not to worry about what she says to you. It's upsetting but, most likely, due to an illness.

@CoastalCalm she has never cowtowed to him before... He has never been able to tell her what to do. She doesn't listen to him. This is properly out of character.

They have paid their other sons significant rent arrears off recently which concerns me about their lack of capacity especially when they gave my husband a birthday card and a promise to go and take him out to buy him a gift.

My mum was just like this, if me or my sister suggested something, she said we were talking rubbish but if my brother, the favoured Prince, said the same thing, she was very compliant! We thought this was very funny and took advantage of it to arrange things to make her life more comfortable - with my brothers knowledge. So when I needed her out of the house to get broadband installed so we could use Ring cameras and Hive, he took her out for a few hours while my sister and I sorted out the kit.

Even better, Mum was refusing to have carers a couple of times a week to give us a break from visiting every day so we told her some of my brothers friends were looking for work experience and could she help them. She agreed!

My suggestion would be to see if DH or FIL can get her in to the GP on some pretext that she doesn't find threatening, e.g. cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.

Alert GP beforehand to memory issues and they will take it from there.

I know it's very difficult, OP. You have someone who insists on being in control but they don't have the judgment or insight to act appropriately.

If it’s dementia then she will likely be unable to accept that she has any problem. My DM believed that she was living independently, cooking, cleaning the house, washing her clothes, changing the bed and looking after her personal hygiene. In fact, she did none of them. Everything was done by family members for her but she was in complete denial and became outraged if anyone suggested otherwise.
She refused carers other than family. She would however listen to doctors who she regarded on a par with God. Unfortunately, she couldn’t remember anything they said after 5 minutes. Telling her that, ‘the doctor says…’ did help at times. I truly sympathise, it’s a really difficult time.

Try not to take it personally. Easier said than done I know, but personality changes can be part of dementia.

We don't know how old she is. She might not be 'that' old. Sadly people can manifest with dementia surprisingly young.

She's 74.

I will get husband to speak to his dad tomorrow.

I've always been aware the brother is the special one. Any tale about my DH has turned into a brother story.

Thank you 👍. I will do my best.

Today she was having a good day!
Although apparently FIL doesn't think he has any privet cutters despite using them the other day.