If there was a judgement-free support network at work would you go ?

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

A chance conversation at work today in the kitchen with a team colleague and our department head of HR (plus others I've had recently) has really made me realise how many of us are dealing with being the sandwich generation but also how unsupported and unheard we feel.
my colleague has her mum with dementia living with her since the beginning of the year, full time shift work and grandchildren she helps with. She said how much better she felt just for a 5 minute chat at the kettle about how difficult her life is. I went for broke and said "I just sometimes wish she would die" and omg did that open the floodgates for them both to be able to express that so-hard-to-voice thought. She said just being able to talk about it had really made her feel loads better and I find being able to vent on here helps me so much. Similarly hr lady has caring responsibilities with golden balls siblings causing frustrations for her doing the donkey work.
it got me thinking about setting up some sort of totally non-judgemental informal coffee mornings at my (massive) workplace where people with caring responsibilities could come for a vent, offloading, support and understanding in a totally safe space.
if that was available to you, would you jump at the chance ? People wouldn't even need to give their names or where they worked. And I would kick off the morning with the unsayable....

No not at my workplace.

To be honest, I don't have the time because I am a full time carer for a relative with advanced dementia and barely have time to wash and sleep myself but if I did, I would not go to anything like this at my workplace because my workplace is not a safe space for revealing stuff like this. I would be thinking that even if it is presented as 'confidential' if it is work then people will gossip and not everyone is an angel. It's not too much of a leap to think this will filter into management structures and 'cries all the time' 'mentally unstable' 'traumatised by her caring responsibilities' will be in their minds. of course not openly articulated but causing promotional and professional problems below the surface.

if you need support the Carers Trust is a good place to start for this type of support.

I'm also not sure starting every proposed session with sometimes I wish she would just die is hugely helpful. For some people who feel the same it may provoke a similar respons but for many people that would just be deeply deeply distressing.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew great question. I have had what felt like generous (at the time) support from colleagues - the ones I have had to explain my random exits from meetings and short notice days off for crises to.

But there is a limit to how much those who haven’t lived it can really understand and very few get how endless it is to deal with an unreasonable person with increasing needs. Every colleague needs their colleagues to also do their jobs at the end of the day. So I end up working longer to make up for whatever phone calls I’ve had to do as DF’s unpaid admin even now we’ve made changes to his care. Like @ysiofgdsh that means I have limited time at work.

I’m not sure everyone is as worn down as me or feels the same way or maybe they’re not as far along on their journey. There are a lot of people who think they understand (but maybe have dealt with a more reasonable elderly person!).

I have never felt closer to a nervous breakdown over the last few weeks but I’m just not sure there is truly a safe space in many work places to be that open.

@FiniteSagacity

I have never felt closer to a nervous breakdown over the last few weeks but I’m just not sure there is truly a safe space in many work places to be that open.

I've just been there - you know if you feel like this you MUST organise some respite for yourself. Even if it's short. I just went for one full day away and two nights and honestly even that really helped. Waking up in the morning and thinking I have a whole day to myself and a whole night ahead where I can sleep and just switch off.

I'd put it off and put it off but was so near suicidal breaking point that I got 24 hr overnight care.

It really really helped stave off the nervous breakdown feeling.

We have a carers support group at work. It's run by carers. We have monthly meetings and it's a good opportunity to unload to people who understand. Some meetings have been totally focused on 1 person facing breakdown and have made a real difference to that person.

We had a couple of events during Carers week. There were a few surprises as to who was in that position so I'd say go for it. You might be surprised as to who turns up.

You might find that some people would be horrified at the notion that a carer would want their mum or dad to die.

I get it, I really do. But we've seen on quite a lot of the threads about elderly parents on MN that many, many posters can't cope with that thought.

Well, until they have to try and deal with a relative who has dementia, and who gets endless courses of antibiotics and hospital admissions, prolonging their lives to no good purpose.

Maybe if there were enough people with caring responsibilities in a particular workplace, it might be popular?

@ysiofgdsh honestly I’m coming out of the other side now but thank you. I’m glad you had some respite 💐

It’s been a tough few weeks but today I was visiting in a nursing home instead of not knowing what horror I would find behind the door.

I’m on the next stage of my journey now, which involves a mountain of admin and financial stress and different challenging conversations with an unreasonable person - but less caring stress.

@TheShellBeach no I don't imagine everyone does feel the same but i said it today so that if the other two people also felt that but felt they couldn't admit it, I'd opened the door to that conversation. I just slipped it into what I was saying and they both said "omg that's how I feel too, I'm so exhausted I just wish it would end".

I'm out of the other side of caring responsibilities, but we have a women's group at my work and had a speaker / discussion about the extra caring role that many women (and men) have. It could have led to a regular support group if someone has suggested it. Even just a Teams group would probably help.

Yes, I would go to a judgement free support group, if only to help underline the problems that a lot of us with caring responsibilities have. I'm not in too bad a situation at the moment, but after a crisis last winter I'm conscious that everything can go tits up very quickly and support could be very welcome.

It's important to remember as well that "caring" covers a multitude of situations each of which is differently demanding in terms of physical, emotional and stress levels and people feel differently.

Caring for a person who is bed bound, has no quality of life and themselves want to die is a different situation from caring for someone who has a quality of life but only becuase a carer is struggling to maintain it for them.

One person may need to be physically spoonfed but be urinary and fecally continent.

Another person may be fecally and urinary incontinent but able to feed themselves.

Dementia care is different from motor neurone disease care is different from mentally well but physically frail care.

Each has different challenges and downsides.

You get the point - the situations are different and the emotional and physical demands are different.

People are probably most likely to find the greatest support from those who are caring in similar circumstances.

Social care is broken though. Broken.

I would take it as long as no managers were there. My management would use the information against us. We’d get “Scones isn’t performing at her usual standard because she’s anxious about her mum”. I have a demanding job and a parent who I have sole care for. She has “early onset dementia” but is at the really aggressive stage. I get abuse daily, my mum used to be one of my closest people in the world; it’s horrible but I do internally groan when she calls.

Scones it would definitely be along the lines of "I know there are lots of us struggling with juggling competing caring needs with our stressful work here so thought we could have the quiet room for half an hour to have a cup of coffee and a biscuit, a good moan and offer support to each other. We all take off our epaulettes and work identities at the door and become our home identities of mum, dad, son, daughter, whatever. But we are all equals, carers"

fortunately though my department are actually really supportive with caring responsibilities as it is led mainly by women of a certain age who have been through it. They've certainly been really good with my needs and lots of other colleagues.

problem is, the Machiavelli's that may misuse the information etc

One of the people who is a big driver in our group is a fairly senior manager. He has encouraged about a third of the group to join because he really gets it and is advocating hard for paid leave for carers. I remember one meeting where he told someone to tell her manager she needed to take a week off as she was so close to breaking point, to log it as sick and if she had any trouble with her manager to let him know. The whole group had been telling her but she was worrying about her job, him telling her made her feel able to do it.

We have a network group for carers at work. I encourage my team to go to it if they want to but ironically don't go myself as I want them to be able to speak freely! It helps if someone from HR is available to the group (not necessarily at the meeting) to support with what is actually available in terms of leave and flexibility.

And, of course, there's a huge range in what people are dealing with. Someone with a disabled child is in a very different place to someone with a difficult relationship with a terminally ill parent.