Dad Won’t Spend Money

[BruFord]

I know I’m not the only person with a tight-fisted parent who refuses to spend money on things they really need. My Dad (86) has poor mobility and has a cleaner and carer set up to help him out with housekeeping and showering (he can shower himself but likes someone to be there in case he falls). Now they’re telling me that he keeps canceling and it’s driving me mad as he really needs these services!

I do his cleaning/caring when I’m there, but I live too far away to help regularly. I also help him keep his paperwork organized so I know full well that he’s financially comfortable and can easily afford this help. In the past, I’ve stepped in and paid them myself when he’s been awkward, but now I’m annoyed, because it makes no sense when the money’s sitting in his bank account.

I’m listed as his financial POA, but it’s not activated yet and I know that he’s not ready to do this as he’s cognitively fine, he’ll take offense if I suggest it. Any ideas as to how I can persuade him to stop being such a miser and make his own life easier?

Activate it and pay for what he needs. That's why it's there.

@Applepencilplant I can’t activate myself unless he’s lost capacity. As he has capacity, it’s his decision.

He’s from a frugal farming family, he’s always hated spending money.

But he has lost capacity to make sensible decisions.

@Applepencilplant It does sound like it, but his doctors view him as compos mentis, he manages his finances, etc. and would easily pass a capacity test. This is pure awkwardness.

I dont think you can force him. Sounds like many parents - you have to leave him to it until a crisis occurs, ie he will slip / fall in the shower, or his house becomes a mess - then he might accept the help. Just make sure you dont pick up the slack or he will never change!

Why the great reluctance....can you discuss with him using the no pockets in a shroud kind of approach with his safety as another point?

@Ilikewinter The irony is that he’s determined not to be put into a home…well Dad, you need to accept help if you don’t want that to happen!

I think what he really wants is for me to clone myself, move in, and do everything for free. 😂

@AgnesX That’s been my latest approach, that his pensions/savings are for him, use them to make life easier, etc. I did persuade him to book a mini-break, which is great, it’s the “boring” stuff that he doesn’t want to pay for.

I think he was just brought up not to spend, his family lived in a draughty old farmhouse with few modcons. Luckily my Mum controlled the finances when I was growing up.

@BruFord I feel your pain! Thank goodness for the wise women of Mumsnet who have helped me to be a bit more assertive, but I still have a lot to learn.

Try to put boundaries in place because if he's pretty healthy at 86 he could easily live to be 100!

Is he entitled to any kind of allowance, given his poor mobility? My parents were happy to use that allowance but wouldn't have used their pensions, even though they could afford to. My dad actually said why should they pay for someone when my sister could do it for them? I had to point out she was in her sixties and the cost of petrol to get to them was more than the cost of the cleaner! Not that they were offering to pay her petrol costs.

What would he say if you said it's what your mum would have wanted?

I feel your pain OP. My dad keeps falling. Lives alone and flatly refuses a lifeline because of the cost. Roughly £40 a month. I organised a care call once a day to help with meds and general care. He kept refusing the care so they dropped him.

Won't put a hand in his pocket for anything that will improve his quality of life. I've run out of ideas so interested to see if anyone else has any suggestions

@MILTOBE Yes, he gets Attendance Allowance, but he uses that for taxis as he doesn’t drive now. He seems to have a fear of dipping into his savings that I can’t understand. Why bother saving for your old age if you’re not then going to use the money in your old age?!

You can use financial poa while he has capacity if he agrees. Can you tell him that you really can't continue doing the cleaning or caring and that the more money he has the more the taxman will take. Who does he plan on leaving it all too , tell him you don't want it and at his age he needs a bit of pampering and a rest from decades of hard work.

That’s actually a really good idea, @MILTOBE , he really respected my Mum and listened to her. Thank you!

I’ve tried that argument @MissMoneyFairy and it hasn’t worked so far. No idea why, I’m his main beneficiary and I’m telling him to spend it!

Can you tell him that there might be significant changes to the inheritance tax thresholds in the near (-ish, no need to make him think you're holding a stopwatch) future and that he's doing you a favour by spending some money on carers now?

Thanks all. I’m going to talk to him later and explain how worried I am, mention that my Mum would be concerned as well.

If you're worried about him then he should would have a free care needs assessment, you can get small adaptations and equipment put in by therapists. Does he have a care line alarm system set up.

Yes, he lives in a retirement flat now so has emergency cords in every room and wears a buzzer around his neck. He’s had a care needs assessment and this is the type of assistance he needs, but he has to pay for it. He should be ok, but he’s being awkward!

Tell him he needs to start spoiling himself a bit, my parents were the same, I don't know what they were saving for and could have got help in.

That’s the thing, @MissMoneyFairy . At 86, you’re not saving for your old age, you’re in the thick of it! Now’s the time to spend and make life easier for yourself.

I spoke to him yesterday and explained how concerned I was…not sure whether I got through to him, but we’ll chat again today and I’ll keep at it. 🤞