Toxic parental relationship making you question your own judgement - anyone relate?

[EmsL]

Elderly folks in 80s, long term serious health conditions (and addictions) and I suspect one now in early stages of dementia. Individually they are lovely people, but together they've always been toxic and have a mutually co-dependent (at times straying into abusive territory) relationship. I'm their only child, so as well as not having sibling support I've always been dragged into their vortex and their desperate tactics like playing me off against one another, vying for my attention/approval etc. Now they are old and infirm and it seems in some ways to be getting worse rather than better, and it's so sad seeing the very last of their energy at the end of their lives directed at eachother in this way. I used to get sucked in (and had years of therapy), and felt somehow responsible for their pain. I'm much better now at keeping distance and I'm trying to just be as kind as I can in the last of the time they have while trying to remain at arms length (Although when needed e.g if one in hospital I will be right there, despite living at the other end of the country.) But I still have a problem with feeling like I completely lose my compass/judgement - sanity almost - when they say things about how their dynamic is. I talk to one and feel like I hate the other, and then vice versa. Continually back and forth between who's the good guy, who's the bad guy - it makes me feel crazy when in most other areas of my life I have reasonably sound judgement!
An added difficulty at the moment is that my partner has always found their dynamic very stressful to the extent that he hates being around them, despite also being quite fond of them. He also doesn't like to see my distress (and my regression) when I'm around them. This (and Covid) meant that he has now not seen them for years. But I feel that they don't have long left. I don't have support from anyone else and much as their dynamic is toxic and I'd be probably well within my rights to take a much more distanced stand away from them, my choice is just to 'be kind' and I feel like I would like my partner to show respect to my position, and to them - no matter what they've done they still brought into the world and tried to do their best for the person he loves. Am I being unreasonable or should I just respect that my tolerance for their shit is just incredibly high and my partner shouldn't have to endure it if he doesn't want to? It's not that he says he won't visit them with me, it's just that it never happens, something comes up or it's not prioritised and I fear that soon it will be too late and it will be a source of resentment for me thereafter. Should I push it or just let things play out as they will? If we get there together we do, if we don't we don't?

I wouldn't push him to see them. As long as he's not preventing you from seeing them.
You say you will resent him if they die and he never saw them again? Why is that?

The situation sounds really hard for you.
But don't let it erode your marriage. If your DH finds it very stressful to be around them and you see that that is a reasonable response as they are very stressful, toxic people.. then I don't see what's to be gained by forcing him to be around them?

I'm a little confused about why you would resent your DP if they never saw your DParents again too?

You live the other end of the Country so even if they were wonderful Parents, logistically it sounds difficult. But they weren't wonderful Parents and by the sounds of it you've had to have a long time, a lot of distance and a lot of therapy to try and recover.

I'd take that your DP supports you and supports you seeing your DParents as a positive thing but I would entirely respect their choice not to send your DParents themselves.

@EmsL it is so difficult isn’t it. What I will say is this site has given me lots of comfort and the overriding advice is take care of yourself and your relationships first. Put your own oxygen mask on first is the best advice I have had. I also think we assume we can come at elderly parents with ‘solutions’ which whilst the solution might help us it doesn’t always suit the elderly parent. I would also add, and I guess I was naive - I had assumed elderly parents would mellow - they haven’t if anything they are exaggerated versions of the very difficult people they have always been. Negative about the whole world, but that is not new. You’ll get some really sound advice on here.

I had assumed elderly parents would mellow - they haven’t if anything they are exaggerated versions of the very difficult people they have always been. Negative about the whole world, but that is not new.

I have found this too. She had only ever been interested in anybody if she's gaining from the relationship, I suppose this was harder to spot when she was younger and her needs were probably less. She has always complained and been very nasty. At least now I have my own home and can get away from my "D"M.

Why does it matter if your partner never sees your parents again? You live a very long way away and it sounds a miserable experience visiting. They're not his(her?) parents. They don't live next door. Your partner doesn't have to see them.

It's your choice to visit them and help them out (and it is a choice even for an only child). It's your partner's choice not to. Your partner can presumably see the toxic effect they have on you.

I did have a wake up call with mine about priorities. My remaining parent is pretty toxic and is desperate to be my priority. Not my goldenballs sibling who gets away with being useless! But I was in danger of missing out on the best/most active/fun years with my DH (and now DD) by being swamped by a parent's needs. I realised I didn't want to look back and regret time not spent with DH and child because I'd been running around after a toxic elderly parent at a distance.

Although I can understand why you want more support from your partner I think expecting him to go and see them is too much. They a aren't his parents & he has no obligations to them, only to you, and expecting that of him is unreasonable. And you say, he doesn't like how their behaviour affects you, so he does care. Saying now that you know you will resent him in future is a bit of a strange reaction in my view. There must be other ways he can help and support you that doesn't involve him coming with you to see them.

As for their relationships, despite therapy it sounds like you still haven't accepted that this is just how they are. They both get something from this weird dynamic. You can't 'fix' them. You say "no matter what they've done they still brought into the world and tried to do their best for the person he loves". But they haven't done their best have they? Giving birth doesn't make you a good parent or children don't owe their parents anything just by virtue of being born. Involving you their relationship dynamic is completely wrong and as their child is frankly abusive. I'm very surprised you have chosen 'be kind' as a an approach when that's the last thing they have been to you. Have you ever read the "Stately Homes" thread? Lots of other people with difficult parents.

If I was you I'd reduce contact even further and leave them to it. At the very least, refuse to listen to the complaining about the other and shut the conversation down.Talk to your partner and find a way that he can help & support you more. Don't sacrifice your relationship with him (if in all other ways its good) over your horrible parents.

"I feel that they don't have long left" is a bit vague.

Are they actually terminally ill with weeks or months left or (and it's a different thing) have serious health conditions that are manageable long term? Even if one of them does have a terminal illness it can still go on for an awfully long time.

I think accompanying you if they do genuinely have a very limited life span is different to potentially being stuck seeing them over a period of years.

My parents - well, my DM - are very emotionally manipulative and I got suckered in to putting up with an enormous amount of nonsense and doing extra visits because she would constantly make out DF "didn't have long left". I regret believing it all now and it might be your partner is better at recognising them being manipulative?

Emergencies, when I felt I really had to be there, were particular field days for add on drama.

Also, YY to telling them you're not listening to them complaining.

I did some counselling and found it helpful, you might find it helpful also?

Even if one of them does have a terminal illness it can still go on for an awfully long time.

DFIL was diagnosed with terminal Cancer and given weeks to live. He was discharged to a Nursing Home paid for 12 weeks and the Consultant made it very clear that he wasn't expected to last the 12 weeks.

That was early 2022 and he's still with us and fairly active for an Octogenarian.

I agree with the Counselling. Perhaps it's time to revisit and talk through your feelings about your DP, your Relationship and how that's affected by your "D"Parents.

Like another PP, bringing you into the world does not make them great Parents, nor does it mean that you owe them anything.

Have you read up on FOG?

Thank you everyone for the replies - it's really comforting. First respondent asked a great question about why it is I feel I'd resent my partner, and others pointed at it too, and it really helped to think about that. When I thought about what would happen if they'd actually already died, or if they died tomorrow, I realised of course I wouldn't resent him - it's just that in the now I am imagining a feeling of resentment because it's a reflection of something I'm feeling in the present. I think maybe what it is is that I'm uncertain of my position on my stance towards them and I want some kind of certainty from his perceived 'support'. What I mean is If he goes along with it I feel like I am getting some sort of tacit approval that my position is ok. When in actual fact the 'being kind' route is essentially a bit of a lie and even aside from that it's like I've just arrived at it for not being able to enact another position. OK, it's sort of about being kind to them while they are here, but it's also about taking what seems like the best or easiest of a bad bunch of options for me. This way I stick it out while they are here knowing that there's a lot I find it hard to forgive for, that I actually don't in fact forgive for, and that I'll be relieved when I no longer have to deal with it. Also I guess trying to recruit my partner into more support is about some sort of last ditch attempt at fulfilling a wish of what it might have been, or that it can be 'happy families' just once, when it's obvious it's really not going to be because it never has been. I can't expect my partner to participate in that if he doesn't want to. Somebody mentioned that maybe he is better at seeing their manipulations; I think this is correct.
You are right that this could drag on; DM is in end stage of a life-limiting condition but DP isn't (although has recently had other complications, broken hip etc, and is they type of person one imagines to go out with a bit of a bang as he's always been very dramatic).
Thank you everybody it's so nice to know that you can post here about something going on and get responses from random people who you don't know but they can be so helpful!

Yup, your choice to see them - fine. No reason why your partner should. Especially if they struggle seeing you in distress/pain when you are with them. And the more time you spend with them won’t help your relationship with your partner either…

DF had various recent complications not DP - Freudian slip if ever there was one!!

Sometimes what seems the easiest option at the time, or the one that requires no/less confrontation, isn't the easiest option longterm.

I found it really really hard putting boundaries in place with mine and had some great support on here. But it has made a massive difference to my life and how I feel now I've done it- and also to my DH and DD, who are rightly my number one priority.

I live quite far away from my parent with dementia and travel regularly to see/care for them/ support sibling. Since a particularly difficult time ( after a month i felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown !) a couple of years ago my DH comes with me each time I go,, for my sake, to support me. ( My parent was a good parent and my DH has known and been fond of them for a long time ) So I guess what Îm saying maybe is that you’d like his physical support when you’re actually visiting your parents and I would understand if you felt like that..