Aging mothers aggression.

[Stotar]

I need to get some help.

I live at home with my mother. I never took advantage of this and I helped her many times. Not only that I am really her only family. Especially during the winter she doesn't see anyone and I am her only daily contact.

Over the past two and have years I developed observations and concerns that's she's going senile but it's not presenting typically with forgetfulness. It's behavioural and mood stuff with her. I am reading online and I am leaning towards a behavioural dementia like FTD. There's just something about her. There's at least a cognitive decline.

Anyways I am in a difficult position. The family home needs some work. There is a lot of work to go I to this. There's an oil tank that needs replacing or we would be looking at an environmental leak at some point. She was told last year it needs replacing. She washed her hands of this and refused this. She's hasn't a notion of doing anything about this. I offered to cover costs involved.

I am coming into a new-ish and different situation.

She's utterly short tempered and I am her triggered. She's always lashing out at me verbally.

I think this is because we have family at home and she's acting in front of them and any opportunity she gets away from them she's lashing out at me. That's what I think it is. I think it's called showtiming on dementia forums.

She's lashing out at me.

I was willing to take out a loan to cover this work and get this done and now I am not sure with the way she's behaving towards me. She's horrible and down right nasty and over the past few weeks I am utterly suicidal. She's not making any sense at times.

Can anyone help me about this.

I was ready to take out a loan to get work done at home but my mother is being nothing more but a vile angry cunt.

You need to get her medically assessed for dementia. Write or speak to her doctor if you need to, outlining all the symptoms you've seen, and ask them what to do next.

Thank you. I have a pdf document with some dates and observations but honestly it's a mess of a page and seems so petty. Stuff like

2020
Episodes of anger.

(I don't know if I should give context of the anger explosions from her. None of them made sense).

2021 was the same with more stuff:

• episodes of explosive anger outrages
• ignoring her nephew's funeral and when she went on the last day, treating it like a teenage social disco by disappearing to the back of the church to the toilets with two more of her other sisters and missing the burial.
• poor comprehension and judgement - by going into town in the torrential rain
• episodes of no conversation and silence

2022

• episodes of anger and silence continued
• Much more stuff.

Would it be best to write or to make an appointment with a GP?

Can you move out and create some distance from her?

Have you posted about her before? All this seems familiar. If that was you, then the advice you have already been given by people still stands.

You need to find somewhere else to live and move out.

In an ideal world. I am living in an country with a housing crisis. There's limited accommodation not only in the locality but in the surrounding villages too. Anything that is available - is so expensive and would require a big and long move and a change of job too due to the distance involved. A room in a shared house and 800 a month would be an average asking price and I think that's too expensive because years ago it used to be 300 to 400 or 500 a month. It's now nearly a grand and that's just for a room.

I am utterly utterly utterly depressed.

I never took advantage of living at home. My mother has done a fantastic job and isolating herself. She comes from a large family of siblings and she has no daily social contacts or friends. I was likely providing company and security at home.

I'm just getting abuse now.

I am looking into exploring domestic abuse organisation and charity to see if they can help me move.

In relation to the stuff that needs to be fixed at home and the plumbing stuff that will likely cost thousands - I was willing to take out a loan but all I am getting is abuse from her. Will I just ignore it and look after myself.

I remember years ago spending thousands of my own money to help with the home and at improving the home. All she ever valued was my brother's contributions to the work and never my contribution even though it was me who had the savings and worked hard to get the work started. She never took that on board and there was a episode from her a few years ago where she was so cruel and mean to me.

I read on a dementia forum sometimes people with dementia - it can be like an exaggerated former self but on steroids and this seems to be what I am likely dealing with. I think she was always controlling and domineering and favouring my brothers because they were born male. She's now worse than ever before. They all live abroad with one of them coming to visit about once a year. She has hate an bitter for his wife who's a lovely lady by the way.

You need to move out. Its not healthy for you to live like this. Yes renting is expensive but it is worth it for your mental health. There is no point in looking at what things used to cost, everything used to be cheaper.

How old are you and how old is your mother?

Does she own the house? Or share ownership with anyone else?

Do you work or have other income yourself?

I think it might be unwise to take out a loan to repair property in which you have no legal stake. On the one hand it might be seen as an aggressive power play. On the other, if your mother threw you out tomorrow you would lose what you had paid.

Can you talk to the family that are visiting and see what they recommend? Or even have a chat with her to see what has caused this change?
Does she even want you in the house btw?

I appreciate it may be more expensive than your contributions at the moment however I agree with others - you need to move out. Doesn't have to be this week, but you do need to be making plans urgently.

Explain to your brother what you are doing - obviously your DM isn't happy with you at home so you think it's for the best you move out. Oh and by the way here's a list of the renovation worked needed by Mum doesn't want to take on and wouldn't let me either.

You will also have to let you DM know - again similar vein - things not so good between us so think it best I move out.

But don't tell either of them anything until you have somewhere arranged and an imminent moving in date!

You should also explain to your brother your concerns about your DM's mental state too. - this you should do sooner rather than later

She definitely wants me there because it eases the burden on her financially. She likes to use me for money. She's currently too excited about my brother being home and just trying to push me and everything about me aside.

I chatted to my SIL and she thinks my mother is just bored and she never made a life for herself outside of the family and she's just looking for things to do.

What I am seeing is a lot of behavioural and mood stuff from her and stuff that shows comprehension is waning. Planning and organising and spacial awareness - that's all poor now. I don't critise her work and I am not sarcastic but there's a lot of 'what the holy f*ck moments'.

Like she put a shower caddy in the shower nearly to the ceiling and I thought you would need stilts in the shower just to reach the soap.

So there's a lot of things happening.

I think what's happening now is that she's acting in front of my brother and his wife and any opportunity she gets when they have their backs turned long enough she's taking it out on me. Her mind is going to mush and she's lashing out at me. She's not making any sense.

I chatted to my sister in law and I never got a chance to chat to my brother yet. The sister in law thinks she's looking for things to do and a purpose.

Her mind is turning to mush for sure. There's nothing more but toys and power tools all over the house and the hall and she's utterly OCD and trying to vanish everything but this stuff is from my brother and his family and all her aggression and hate is for me.

She also has a sister trying to visit her and the family and she's ignoring her sister and making excuses not to visit her and for her not to visit us.

She doesn't want you there really then does she if it's only for money.
Move out and like a pp said let your brother take his turn, you don't have to put up with this behaviour and no one is going to make her move out so you will have yo go or put up with it unfortunately.

Nice as she is, I wouldn't be listening much to your SIL about what may be wrong with your mother. You are more likely to be correct in your assessment as you live with her, your SIL sees her once a year.

I have over two and half years of observerstions that began in 2021 but I am able to dip back further into 2020 and 2019. I didn't realise the possibilty of dementia at that stage.

This isn't just one or two little things here and there. I have a long list of behavioural and mood stuff with my mother. She's lashing out more and more with her tongue and I am her trigger.

Apparently people with dementia - people closest to them, the closest 'caregiver' gets the brunt of it all.

I know I don't have a dementia diagnosis but I think it's happening. It's presenting with behavioural and mood stuff and lately there is some things that suggests 'memory loss'. But that was never my initial observation and it's presenting more with behavioural issues from her.

She owns the house.
I don't have any share in it.

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

You have got more than enough information to pass on to the doctor. Tbh I would write a letter with perhaps one week's observations indicating what changes have happened compared to the past, send it to the doctor, advise your mother you think she should have a check up, and then focus on moving out. You don't need to spend your precious youth writing daily observations of your mother which don't go anywhere, you need to start living a life of your own.

I was thinking the same, there was definitely a similar post with the same details of the oil tank.
@Stotar Living like this will destroy you. It happened to a relative of mine who was doing the same as you, keeping diaries etc, enduring abuse, and I assure you that she won’t improve her behaviour towards you, diagnosis or no diagnosis. Everything will get worse. My relative’s mental health is destroyed.
Moving out will be expensive yes, but you’ll have peace of mind.

There's a lot of stuff from 2022 that needs to be got on paper and go to the doctor. I had a chat with the GP in 2022 but I got nowhere but there's more stuff now. I found she had items of my underwear as if they were hers. They were amongst her own clothes and laundry even though we are two completely different sizes. It wasn't just one or two pieces of underwear. I could write off one or two pieces at getting mixed up but so many.

Another time she broke out and told me the most strangest story and it was only after I reflected and thought - that can't be true (in dementia groups they call that conflabulation).

I got know where with the GP over the past few years because they were looking for typical signs of dementia.

You need to move out. This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship ship. It doesn't sound like either of you like each other. If you move out she will be forced to make decisions for herself like sell the house and buy something lower maintenance. Your brother can help with that if he is favoured. Honestly, if she has always been horrible and preferred him then she'll probably leave the house to him anyway so don't martyr yourself getting loans to repair it.

What is your life like op? Do you have friends and a life away from this? Why don't you want to leave home. I can't thinknof anything worse than living with a nasty parent and not having my own life and freedom. Are you getting any help with your depression from the gp? You can't make your mother do anything, seek help etc but you can change your life and your reaction to her.

Getting stuff from 2022 on paper will not help you at all. it’s 2024. Her behaviour right now is what matters.
I repeat, a diagnosis (which might take months or years to get) won’t change her or help you. You need to get out of her home and find your own.

Why the heck are you living with your elderly mother if you both appear to dislike each other?
That would drive even close family mad.

Assuming you are middle aged(?) and living with an elderly parent 80 plus?

Just move out and be independent.
The obsessive diary entries aren’t useful or helpful.

She needs a dementia assessment-
You need a rental ( or mortgage).