What do you do if you work FT and your parents need regular help?

[tobyj]

Because I'm looking ahead and feeling anxious about the future. At the moment, my DP are OK. They're both around 80 (one just over, one just under). My DM is teetering on the edge of a dementia diagnosis (I think). She's already been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, and has definitely deteriorated a lot since then. She also has a variety of health problems and anxiety which mean she basically can't do very much at all now in terms of practicalities (though no personal care needs). DDad is currently fine, and looks after everything (all admin, most cooking etc).

So all just about ok. But I notice now that dad's memory is starting to decline, and he's beginning to ask advice about things he never would have before. And I'm fairly sure that DM's needs will start to increase.

In theory I'm happy to help, but I just have so little time. I read about people on MN who do so much for their DP. I don't mean actual 'care' in the sense of being a live in carer - but popping in frequently, clearing fridges, doing or organising shopping, paying bills etc.

DH and I both work full time, which means six days a week in the office, because of the nature of our jobs. We also frequently do a little bit of work at home in the evenings. No possibility to wfh or flex hours. We live an hour and a half (two hours if traffic) away from my DP. We have two teenage kids. We just about manage to fit in our own domestic stuff and admin in the time we have at home (though even then it's a real squeeze and things are often sorted out late in the evening or get delayed). We also have another set of parents who live a similar distance away and where one has dementia (though now in a care home)

If my DP start to need more help, I just don't know how I'd manage. If DM was on her own then she'd definitely need assisted living of some sort - but even with dad at home, I suspect they might soon need more help with general life admin and domestic tasks.

I know I could work less, but I don't want to. Our life is very busy, but we love our jobs and our life. I could visit more than I do, and have already started doing this, but I'm reluctant to increase to eg once every week or two, as that would mean giving up the only non working day of my week to visit either my DP or my husband's. Even if I was OK with that, I don't think it would be fair on my kids.

Sorry, long post, but two questions. First, am I being selfish? Is the reality of this stage of life simply that I have to accept that I either cut down my work or give up most of my free time for my DP? Secondly, if not, then how do people manage? Are there resources that can help provide the kind of support my DP might start to need? They don't need carers as such, and may not for a long time - but they may well start needing more help with appointments, shopping, admin etc. Am I missing an obvious solution? (NB financially they're in the middle - self funding and comfortable, but not with money to burn.)

I work shifts which helps
use one's up ones time off
sacrifice things you used to do fir your own family or yourself
simmer with resentment
fantasise about the day when you will be free of caring responsibilities
be glad you live a long way away which means going in all the time isn't realistic

either you have to say no or make sacrifices. Regrettably there's no way to sugar coat it. But make sure you start with good boundaries, once you start they will just want, want, want and it's hard to row back. I've had to had a big talking to myself that actually my teen daughter needs to be my priority. DPs have been prioritised for 4 years and as Dm shows no sign of dying any time soon then I need to take a step back. Its a marathon not a sprint

Hi op

Your lucky your parents have got to that age and are managaing so far

Mine are a decade younger and seem to need more and more in the last twelve months.

I have one sibling who lives closer than me but is absolutely useless in terms of any kind of help at all and dparents try to help
Him out so it renders them not able to manage all their own stuff

Dad in particular is needing help with online stuff and admin more.
I've had the odd evening where I've sat on FaceTime to him and helped and I have spent quite a few evenings over there with them sorting out forgotten passwords etc which as we all know isn't quick let alone when it's someone else's.

Dmum recently had another surgery so that's been more help again

Not going to lie it's a real struggle at times then other times they are fine.

Could you arrange some help for them with practical things?I recently got someone in to do the grass and hedge cutting and someone in to sort the broken fencing out because they seem to be losing the ability to get organised with things like that.

FaceTime is invaluable if you can teach them to use it as any distance isn't so bad if they need help then

Mine don't need cleaners or anything but when the time comes il be setting that up for them

I recently had to help organise and take dads car for servicing and tyres etc because he's lost confidence in things now

I run and work in my own business upto 60 hours some weeks and have teens and a house and it's bloody hard at times.

I have put some Boundaries in place because they used to have a knack of needing me in an emergency during the day when I'm with clients when it really isn't an emergency so have put a stop to that and I encourage them and show them how to do online things themselves so they're self sufficient with most things.

It's hard op,I also have a mentality unwell family member which doesn't help as parents are always fretting and mum in particular tends to be over worrying which causes frustration between the two so the dynamics get harder.

Luckily I live not far from my d parents but it's often a curse

Watching with interest because I’m in a very similar position - mine are also 2+ hours away so visiting on a weekend day means I’m left with 1 day to do my shopping, housework, other weekend jobs plus try and have a bit of free time so I don’t start the following week exhausted. It’s very difficult 😫

My PILs were in pretty good health until a couple of years ago, then it all went downhill quite quickly. We live 2 hours away and have three teens and busy jobs. They moved into a retirement flat 18 months ago and it has been a massive weight off DH's shoulders. They have support around and everything is set up to be straightforward for them. The social aspect is also nice. I know people talk about the high service charge, but honestly it's worth every penny! You mention this for your mum if your dad dies, but any chance they'd consider it now?

PS I forgot to say you are not being selfish! Just sensible and realistic.

You're about to become part of the sandwich generation. Make sure you have POA for them both (or at least 3rd party online access so you can set up DD for utility bills and do an online shop for them if they've not already done so).
TBH it's more than difficult to fit it all in for sure. I always felt I was in the wrong place when something went wrong (either an issue with work, DPIL, DH, DPs, DCs at Uni)! It would be smooth sailing for a month then it would all kick off! Do you have siblings nearby to check in with DPs and help spread the load? You may find that your DPs expect you to become their default carer because you're female! Does your DH expect you to step up to help with his DPs too or is he organising? A calm chat with your DH and also both sets of DPs is in order now before any emergency. Organise cleaners/gardeners etc for physical help with their houses so they can get used to it before the need becomes urgent. Not wishing to sound a misery but it was the most challenging time of my life juggling it all. Now both sets of DPs have died I miss them terribly but it nearly broke me, and our marriage. But my BP is now lower, my marriage is intact and DC have flown the nest so there is away through it all but it needs discussion planning, realism and compromise.

One thing I would encourage you to do is attend any doc appointment if it involves dementia as often they can't even remember to attend or what was said in the consult!

And there's plenty of space here to vent when needed!

@tobyj have a look at the Age Uk website. Loads of information about POA which it may be worth getting in place, also information about duty of the local authority to carry out a needs assessment if required.

Just doing all this with MIL who is late 80s and at least a 3 hr drive away. Your PIL may be entitled to some assistance already and if not, would be good to be familiar with what you may need to do in the future

If there’s no one else around to help I would strongly recommend encouraging them to move into a retirement flat with a warden in situ, either nearer you or where they are now.
They will have company and someone around to help with anything that goes wrong in the flat and can assist in an emergency.
My Mum was originally very reluctant to leave her too big to manage house but after a few months of settling in she was very happy there until a bad fall meant she needed residential care.
It also meant that when we visited we could spend time with her rather than doing all the jobs that needed doing, we still did hospital appointments but it was a lot more manageable.
Good luck, it’s not easy.

Agree with POA, and then it sounds as if buying in support would be good when the need arises.

In your parents' case I agree that a move to some form of more supported living sounds like a good option.

Other than that I would try not to live in the future tbh.

DH and I are still trying to concieve, we have severe male factor infertility and his parents are needing help now. They can't drive very fast or far. MIL has a bad shoulder, so she can't drive any real distance, and my FIL has no confidence with motorways or dual carriageways and can't drive fast. We only have one car and splitting work is difficult, so recently my DH has taken this parents to medical appointments. We manage it, but it's not easy. Too often we both feel like giving up. If either of us could afford to take on less work, we wouldn't hesitate. Unfortunately this is only the beginning and life is going to get much harder. Sure, we have no kids, but we're in the process of starting investigations after IVF and natural attempts trying to concieve. Now PILs need help. There is never enough time now and it pains us both that we may never be able to give them grandchildren before they die.

Hang in there, you'll be alright.

Like with all such things, you pay with time or you pay with cash.

Have you looked into what services are available in the area? Hospital outpatients can be a good place to look for leaflets and posters.

One of the things that helped when my Mum began to fail was to get her a PA.
I used a care agency, explained what I needed - they don't just do physical caring - and we had a very nice young woman who came to do a 'good' clean once a week, and who took Mum shopping. It could be on line shopping, but Mum liked the outing. We had a key box.
This had to be increased gradually to a welfare call every day, as well as the above. Just knowing that someone was popping in was reassuring.
Outsource. Food comes in, be it M and S or those delivery companies. Cleaners. PA deals with appointments, or appointments come to them.
We always phrased it as PA rather than 'carer'.
Unfortunately, Mum's needs increased to 2 carers 4 times a day, and that's when it became unmanageable - it wasn't enough. Mum did not want to leave her home, and even with benefits we could not afford live in carers.
That is when you will need to make the decisions that change your life or your parents.
With hindsight, I would say make any decisions while you can, rather than when you have to. Get your parents on board while they have the capacity.

DH and I both work full time and have POA of one of each of our parents. It’s hard and I’m exhausted but I have found a few things that help. POA is a must so you can deal with their finances and health if they need help. Secondly, anything you can put on direct debit, do it. Thanks to online banking arranging their bills and the like takes me no more than ten minutes a week. Outsource whatever you can; shopping and prescriptions get delivered to them I’m often on the phone/ FaceTime when they have appointments they need help for. I arrange transport and then help virtually. We do have to visit at least every other day but it’s usually for ten minutes to check everything is ok. In terms of food, I cook for 6 instead of 4 every day. There are delivery services that can also do that.
Do you have siblings? My DH and his sister share their parents care which makes it so much easier to juggle.
Be realistic with what you can and can’t manage. I can cook for them every day but can’t sit and eat with them. We used to always eat together on Sundays, I’m at football most Sundays now so that just can’t happen. I’ve also had to switch off sometimes and let them just go through it. My mum would be on the phone to me for hours on end if she could every night. I simply don’t have time to do that and she’s accepted that. The same way that I’ve accepter that they are now my dependents.
You’re not selfish OP, you’re being practical and looking ahead.

Can you start from the POV that you don’t need to do anything? And so anything you do do is a bonus? It’s amazing how few people make real provision for old age. PIL remain in their massive house, full of years of crap, and expect us to sort it when they’re gone. My DP downsized to a bungalow close to loads of local resources, walking distance to shops etc. PIL refuse to consider anything like this. It’s tough.

Have you siblings OP? I have two siblings - two of the three of us live a three hour drive from my parents, one lives abroad but within a two hour flight.

When my dad was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s my friend who had been in a similar position advised me to sit down with my siblings and work out an agreement and schedule for visiting and managing my parents’ needs. If not addressed upfront one person usually ends up shouldering most of the responsibility and a lot of resentment can build up.

My mother would go nuts if she heard us call it a rota but that’s what we have in essence - the target being that no more than two weeks would go by without one of us being there for a night or two. We are lucky in that we are all on good terms and everyone wants to help in the best way they can.

It hasn’t been perfect but it has served us well over the last few years, mainly because we can be open and frank with each other re juggling appointments and the like. My dad is now in a nursing home but we still maintain the schedule so one of us visits him regularly and to support our mother who has her own needs.

I'm in the same boat and worry about it constantly. I teach full time and live 90 minutes away so not able to get down there very often. My brother lives very close but has some additional needs himself which means he relies on my parents more than they can rely on him. No serious health problems at the moment but I feel it's only a matter of time.

Lavender, have the discussion before it is time. I wish I had.

Good idea. My parents get extremely annoyed about any suggestion they will need help but I will talk to them anyway.

I'd second the moving into a retirement flat with some kind of support sooner rather than later. My DP mum was looking at this and dithered for years on doing it out of some sentimental nonsense about the family home. Now it's too late, her dementia is too far along that these places won't take her but it's not quite bad enough for POA to kick in and for her to be moved to a care home.
She's isolated and doesn't have much social network and she complains all the time about being lonely. Had she moved earlier on I reckon she'd be in a much better state

The most important thing is to organise PoAs for Finance and Health & Welfare. Alongside this, you need to have the talk with them about their wishes. From there you can work out various scenarios and how to manage them.

Thanks all. A couple of positives: we already have POA and they've already done the 'big move' from the family home to a much more practical small house (DM remains deeoly upset and resentful about this, but that's a whole other story). There's no support though - it's just a normal house. And (at this stage at least) they have very little expectation of me - they know how busy I am and are always terribly grateful for any visits etc.

Re siblings, I have one sister. We're very much on the same page, but she lives a five hour drive away from my DP and also works full time. I do get involved with DH's parents (and they have much more expectation than mine), but he does the majority. In his case, there's also a sister living much closer than us, which relieves us of a loit of the practical side of things, but I do feel guilty that a lot falls on her.

Interesting that there seem to be two slightly different schools of thought - whether to plan things before you need them, or to wait until you know what's going to be needed. At the moment they don't really need anything - dad enjoys managing the house and little garden and is quite capable of online admin (though I've noticed a couple of slightly odd decisions creeping in). I think they'd be slightly puzzled atm if I suggested coming to a doctor's appointment (and it would be hard practically) - but equally I have started to feel that even dad doesn't necessarily remember all the details after an appointment now. For now, the main thing he needs is some moral rather than practical support in looking after mum.

I guess I feel a bit in limbo. All I'm doing at the moment is visiting a bit more often and phoning a couple of times a week rather than once, as well as trying to make sure that mum makes the right appointments about the right things. But I'm aware that they're going to start needing more help at some point - either gradually, or potentially suddenly if something goes wrong.

Maybe all I can do for now is to have a conversation about how they'd like their life to look as time goes on. This in itself is tricky, as if we involve DM in those sorts of conversations then she gets very upset and anxious, but if we don't, and she gets any hint of it, then she gets suspicious that we're all plotting behind her back. Has to be done though.

RE sheltered accommodation, I think Ddad would be v reluctant atm, when they've moved quite recently, but at least we could talk about it.

You're not being selfish, you're being pragmatic! I came close to burning out caring for one parent, now dead, and nearly lost my chance of a career and a family of my own. That means I'm determined not to put that at risk for the remaining parent - especially now I'm the higher earner, have a child and my job is essential to pay the mortgage.

Be very very clear about boundaries and have a think about what you'd do to respond to an emergency/crisis versus taking on little bits incrementally and getting overwhelmed.

Many people seem to find that no matter how much they do, it isn't enough for the parent, who becomes more and more demanding.

You can outsource a lot of it - if you've got POA get things onto direct debit, a PA/carer can take them shopping. A cleaner and/or gardener is also someone popping by each week keeping an eye out. Age U.K. has good local contacts for handyman services, falls alarms and things like that. You can ask to join medical appts or meetings with social services via Zoom (much more efficient doing a meeting this way than spending a whole day travelling there and back).

I've done a lot of signposting to things like patient transport or the Age U.K. handyman when my parent's preference would be for me to dive in and sort it out!

There will be a crisis at some point whether you're a full time carer or barely see them. As a male friend pointed out to me "You don't have to be the one who responds!"

Good luck!

Also useful to check now what your work situation would be if you do need to respond to an emergency or crisis. Everyone in paid employment is now entitled to one week a year of unpaid carers' leave, which can be used in small chunks to deal with this.

Some employers have much more flexibility or better policies for this situation. It might be your sibling is much further away but would be entitled to paid leave to deal with a crisis, or other flexibility like temporarily being allowed to WFH from the parents' house.

I've had to explain quite bluntly to my parent that I don't get paid leave to deal with a crisis and I can't afford unpaid leave. My annual leave is needed for my child.

To be quite honest op, don’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet. Anything could happen.

greengreyblue,
there is nothing wrong with planning, it is far better than being blindsided.