Mixed feelings right now

[JaneAustinSaid]

My dad is 84 living in a care home with dementia. I’ve accepted his diagnosis and that he’s teetering on the edge of life but I’m finding myself thinking about the relationship we had. Growing up I never particularly got along with him, teenage years a nightmare. He had a short temper even on a good day. I’m not sure he liked me sometimes. I think he found me annoying. As there’s only me and no other children I felt in the way when mum and dad were around. My mum and me get along well and are close but I feel guilty that when he eventually passes I won’t feel much.

Can anyone relate to this? It’s making me feel mixed up in my emotions.

Totally relate to this. I loved my kind, clever, generous and very funny mum. I would have been willing to offer care if cancer hadn't taken her when it did. My dad is very selfish. He's mellowed in his old age (now mid nineties!) but I just can't forgive or forget all the horrible things he did when I was growing up. My brother (who my dad thinks is wonderful) lives a few hours away, visits a couple of times a year but won't be any help when our dad needs care. He inherited our dad's selfish gene. I suppose I'll make sure he's ok and looked after but I won't be his carer and I truly don't expect to be desperately upset when he's gone.

You don't know that you won't feel much. You may be surprised. The loss of a parent is a loss of part of your identity and someone who has known you your whole life.

Dementia changes people too - it's a living grief - so I wouldn't start worrying about how you will feel after his death because you don't know.

my father died when I was very young. He was not a loving man and he frightened me most of the time. I was relieved when he died as it meant I didn't have to be scared anymore. I have no feelings of guilt about not mourning him then or ever since. I wish he had been a better dad but that was not in my control only his.