Weird feeling about DDad death

[Sharking]

Was not sure where to post.

DDad died 4 years ago. He was early 50s not elderly.
He ran marathons rarely drank had never smoked. Had a 2 day private health check for work 2 months before he died. All clear.

Mother is v. senior geriatric nurse.
DDad had a massive heart attack at 4am approx. During and after attack he was making v. loud strangled snoring noises.
This woke Mother she sent me and siblings a WhatsApp to remind us of something unimportant. Me and DSis still have the message! Mother then says she went back to sleep in another bedroom.

This is emotional time. He died the week of DC1's birth. Father's Day and his own birthday.
If I sound mad it is the difficult time of year.

Mother knows what dying looks like and sounds like she knows about heart attacks.

My housemate had a drug heart attack when I was at uni her rasping woke me up and I called ambulance when I was 19. I was not a geriatric nurse with over 30 years experience.

I think mother knew he had heart attack and did nothing. Keep trying to get this out of my head.

First thought this about 4 months after he died. Asked DH what he thought for my own sanity. DH said that he would not be surprised if Mother knew.

Mother was abusive to DDad their whole marriage.
Since he death she turned abuse onto me and my DSis. Mother been vile racist about DSis new DH. Things that would lose Mother her career.

Mother treatment of me and DSis after his death may cloud my judgement. otoh Mother knows we are not stupid and being abusive to me and DSis is a good way to keep us away and stop us asking questions.
We have 3 DBs mother is nice to them.

Had grief counselling after his death I cannot tell anyone except DH out loud I think Mother might have let him die.

I am not mad. No PND or anxiety or depression. This is eating at me.

Tell me to calm down and shut up. That it is none of my business.
I know I can't do anything.

The snoring sounds is agonal breathing most likely due to a cardiac arrest. Your mother as a nurse should've recognised this.

I’m so sorry for your loss
early 50s is no bloody age at all

Your mother sounds like a very unpleasant person

I don’t think you can’t do anything that would make a difference to the outcome for your father now. Or even after this time to your mother if she did ignore him.

but you don’t need to shut up.
I think you’d benefit from the opposite.

If the grief counsellor was not the right person to tell, find another and start with mother in general, or specifically more current issues. Do you have to see her at all? She doesn’t seem like she benefits your life positively. Can you, and maybe your DSis go low or lower contact with her?

My own mother was and still is awful, and has done some vile things, but not on yours level. Well not quite. And it took me 3 counsellors, that I’d gone to for other reasons, to gel with and find the right one. Who didn’t think I was crazy when I finally opened that box.

I think maybe you want to post about her in the ‘but we took you stately homes threads’.

But right now, at this silly hour when we aren’t asleep, peppermint tea and some mindless tv?

It does sound like maybe she walked away knowing yes. If I was you I would stay away from her and her abuse. It's hard but you need to take care of yourself

So sorry to hear all of this. You're not mad! It sounds very very odd behaviour from anyone, but especially a nurse. From what you've said it sounds like she deliberately didn't help him. 😱😭

I wonder if you could, as others say, try to find a counsellor who is a good fit for you. This isn't anything to feel shame talking about and it's obviously not your fault this happened. I think you could benefit from cutting or going v low contact with her and a counsellor should be able to help you do this. Also maybe they could help you find ways of honouring and remembering your Dad. My counsellor said "Death is the end of a life, not the end of a relationship."
You are having a lot to deal with 😞 Sending 💖

Last night DC woke up and I was soothing them, by the time that they were back to sleep I was wide awake.
I was typing with a sweaty DC asleep on me.

It is that time of year.
Sometimes I think I am going mad. Who believes their Mother let their DDad die? That's crazy stuff.
I wanted to put it to the stranger test.

That's what I thought @Chewinggumwall, I'm afraid I couldn't remember the name of that type of gasping. When my housemate overdosed I knew what it was.

As DCs our Mother insisted we learned first aid.
Unfortunately knowledge is power.
She must know that one of us would cop on.

@StormsAreNeverNamedAfterMe I'm sorry that you have a problematic Mother too. It's shit isn't it?
@Treesnbirds "Death is the end of a life, not a relationship." That hurts more than I can describe.

No, I don't see her. She texts occasionally, I send her birthday and Christmas cards.
No other contact.
I will post on Stately Homes.

I'm not going to do anything about this. There is nothing I can do.

The grief counsellor was very good.
My problem is apart from DH I cannot say the words out loud. When she was abusive, DDad used to talk to me and DSis, not about the abuse.
When we got older we would tell him to leave. I offered my house, he said that forgiveness takes more strength than reaction.

As we have DC I do look after myself @Thoughtful2355. This time of year always poleaxes me.

Thank you everyone. If you can think of a way to make a circle out of this square I would appreciate your thoughts.