Tell me about your day/week/month.

[Tolkienista]

This platform has got me through many a difficult day over the last four months.
I take solace in knowing that there are thousands of us making sacrifices to provide care and support to an elderly parent no matter how much it physically & mentally takes out of us.

In my case, my mother who had a fall at home and is now pretty much housebound through poor mobility after a very long, healthy, active life.
Carers come in twice a day.....(she's a self funder, so it's pretty expensive even on two visits a day) that leaves many many hours where she still needs companionship shopping and care.

This week has been really hard, much of the care has fallen to me, siblings busy at work and unable to help as much as I can. I also live very close to her.

Tell me about your day/week/month.

Or year.
Some of you have probably been carers for far longer than myself and for that I salute you.
As each week passes it makes me realise how grateful I am for the many years of good health my mother enjoyed.
She's 95 now and mourning the life she had before her fall and the independence and freedom that also went with that life.

Mum is registered blind, although she has some sight, she’s also 91. She also refuses any help whatsoever around the house from anyone including me unless there’s an emergency.
I used to get frustrated about the dust building up in the corners but have learnt to let it go.
This week I have taken her out to the local cafe twice for a change of scenery and a meal. Both times my heart has sunk a bit when I see the yellow around her cuffs and collars on her going out clothes and stains down her front. If I’m honest, I’m also a bit ashamed. Same as last week and the weeks before.
I’ve had the conversation about washing her clothes in the past and will have to have it again. I have taken the bad ones and washed them but sometimes they have been left too long to get completely clean.
She’ll wear them for an hour or two then put them back in the wardrobe and they probably haven’t been washed for years and I mean years!
She will be upset at the conversation as she was last time. I’m more than happy to do her washing but it never happens, although she has been delighted when I’ve returned the clothes I’ve taken to wash.
This is just one example of my Mum trying to be independent and no bother to anyone which I get, I know anyone looking on will probably be thinking that I’m not stepping up.
I do everything for her, banking, shopping, appointments etc, my siblings visit and sit with her for a couple of hours, now and again. I get the worries and concerns as I’m the one that sees her coping (or not) with daily living. I’m saddened that these last few months she is taking longer to understand things that I tell her. She is slowing up. I can see a decline.
It is so draining at times and I frequent the elderly parents threads looking for support which is always here, written in others’ experiences. Such a wealth of knowledge and experience here and expressed much better than I ever could. In fact I have used their exact words to explain to Mum before about accepting help and looks like I will be doing so again.

@CatsMother66 thank you for posting your day to day experience, I fully empathise with your comment that "it is so draining at times" it really is. You have to be a carer to know how true this is
I too deal with many of the things you have mentioned, banking , shopping, financial affairs , appointments.......the list goes on and on.

I do my best and I have it easy compared to a lot of others. Mum was a good Mum and I’m happy to help, she also appreciates all that I do. It’s been 10years now and it’s flown by.
Last year was the worst one for me so far, having to deal with Mum’s minor ops for skin cancer and essential house repairs. Just one thing after another and it got to me.
No one in my circle understands how hard it can be so I come here to read.
How about you? You mention four months, is that when your Mum fell or became housebound?
She’s done very well to get to 95 and be relatively independent, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have that suddenly taken away.

due to shift pattern we have a 10 day shift rotation so this is my current "week". It's a fairly normal week.

Monday - get up at 4.30 am, travel 30 miles and 45 minutes to work. Write to do list in break and do some of my duolingo (Swedish and Italian). Work til 4pm, travel 20 minutes to DPs, deal with them for 1hr 15mins. Then go home, pick Dd up from school on the way getting home at 6.15pm. Cook dinner, makes packed lunches for the next day and go to bed at 9.30

tuesday - get up at 4am, get Dd up for trip to Ypres, drop her to school en route to early shift, as Monday work til 4, go to parents. Go straight home not via school, cook dinner for Dh to take to work, make packed dinners for tomorrow and hang around until 11pm to pick Dd up from school trip as Dh is at work and can't. Go to McDonald's on the way back as Dd is "dying of hunger". Go to bed at just before midnight

Wednesday - get up at 6.30am to get Dd up for school, do school run then come back home. Get on with bunch of household jobs, leave home at 1pm, go into parents and give them lunch et. Before going to work for 3.45. Sleep on break, finish work at 2am and get home at 3am. Go straight to bed because..

Thursday - get up at 6.30 because Dh is working and I have to do the school run again on 3.5hrs sleep. Come back home for 9am, get back into bed, sleep til 1pm, get up, make dinner and my packup. Go to parents again, start work at 3.45 as per Wednesday

today - Dh takes Dd to school after his night shift. Got up at 9am, pissed about reading news and now am going to supermarket to get supplies for DDs DofE trip this weekend. Will put on washing. Then go to DPs for the remainder of the day at about 1pm. Stay there all afternoon, Dh and Dd will join us around 8pm as she has to stay there tonight. Make dinner and then go to work for 9.45 picking up M&S too good to go bag en route I've ordered. Work til 6am.

tomorrow - go back to DPs and sleep for 2 hours, get Dd up at 8 to get ready then drop her to school for 9am for DofE. Go back home and sleep for as long as I need. Leave house at 8.45 to get back to work for 9.45pm.

sunday - day off. Will be meeting dh's uncle and aunt for lunch then picking Dd up on way home from DofE. Flop in front of some crap telly by 7pm and have an early night.

monday - day off will be filled with meal prepping for the freezer for next set of shifts, washing etc. Will do both ends of school run as Dh will be working overtime

tuesday - "day off" will drop Dd to school at 8.30am, go straight to parents and spend the day there leaving at 4pm to pick Dd up from school. Take her to the yard, turn out horse after she rides, come home and make dinner

wednesday - day off at home by my myself, take Dd to school the pick Dd and her friends up at 4.30 pm, they have a sports dinner in the evening and are coming back here to get ready. Take them back to school for 6.30. Eat some dinner with Dh then pick Dd up at 10.30pm

thursday back to day 1 of shift pattern and earlies. Rinse and repeat.

Oh and hopefully fit in a piano lesson either Monday or Wednesday

@Tolkienista lovely idea for a thread, thanks for starting it. What you say about what caring takes out of us physically and mentally really resonates with me.

I hear you on the self-funding of care too. It's so expensive. My DM is well below the lower savings threshold now so she isn't fully self-funding but does pay a lot each month and getting to this stage i.e. arranging some financial support has been so much work.

My DM has parkinson's with dementia and, although she has carers going in regularly, everything else falls to me. It has been a really tough month with DC needing a lot of support (GCSEs etc, at least one who is neurodivergent and quite intense), very busy work life and DM needing more than I can give her. She gets very confused about her whereabouts and her mood is very low and anxiety levels very high - she can be very loving and also really quite difficult. She'd like me there 24/7 and I field dozens and dozens of calls each week from her, carers, social work, doc, local council financial assessment team, management of the building she's in. It's my job to arrange everything in her life from medical appointments, all finances and shopping, utilities etc. She started at a day centre a couple of times a week recently and then yesterday when I was mad busy with work and a million other things she refused to go and there were more than 10 calls to deal with the fallout (e.g. speaking to the transport people, the day centre, care agency to rerrange care because I'd cancelled the lunchtime visit thinking she'd be out). Then her hot water stopped working and I missed the first half of a course I really wanted to do because I was with her on the phone to the utility company. Then she told me I was being cruel because I wasn't answering the million and one qus fired at me while trying to get the hot water sorted and order her food shop. And I totally lost it and shouted at her and made her cry. So, yesterday was a bit of a low point all in all. It's not always awful but I've been under so much pressure one way or another these past few months that I feel shattered.

This is an elderly parents thread?? 🙄

@Kitkat1523
im well aware of that Thankyou. My elderly parents take up a significant portion of my time and I have been here on these boards since 2020 when my mother had a massive stroke and I became their sole support.

but Thankyou for reminding me, just in case I'd forgotten how much of my time they take up. Many of us are juggling very complex lives with teens doing gcse, full time work, looking after two households and caring for our parents.

the Op asked what other posters' weeks looked like. I have posted what my week looks like.

there is no need to be rude to other posters, rolling your eyes like that. elderly parents is not aibu. I've had a lot of support on here over the last 4 years so I'll thank you to be more courteous in your future interactions on here.

Today is a good day, I managed to get my elderly parent into the shower without too much protest.

I do need to find a better way to cope with the repetition though.

@CatsMother66 yes, four months since she had a fall at home, completely out of the blue. Went from shopping every day, taking a bus into town, going to church weekly to being relatively housebound.

She's now living downstairs, using a commode too. Carers in at breakfast time and last thing at night. She looks great, but needs a lot of help during the day.
As I said, it's been a tough week & most of the burden has fallen on me.......but hopefully next week will be better.

@whatsinanumber oh gosh, I honestly feel your exhaustion from your extensive post.
You really need to have experienced what you've been through to know how much it mentally and physically takes out of you....... especially the fallout from her not going to the day centre, I can just imagine what you had to deal with that day.....been there / got the t shirt.

That's why I started this thread, it really helps to know you're not alone on a bad day/week. There are so many of us literally holding our parents lives together.

@Tolkienista great idea for a thread, like you I’ve found solidarity on the boards.

I’m currently in a strange transition where I have less a bit less caring to do but the admin has ramped up to hours every week day and like @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I’m juggling a frail parent with teenagers doing exams and a full on job I really need to hold onto. It’s a hamster wheel of rinse and repeat with very little time for myself and definitely not enough sleep.

I'm not physically caring for someone,but trying to sort out business affairs after my dad died has proved an absolute nightmare.
Dad was a farmer,him,my mum,uncle and aunt were business partners,all had a 25% share. Mum never had a business debit card as my dad did all the bill paying,so after he died,we contacted the bank with his death certificate and asked for a new card to be issued in my mum's name,as she had inherited his share of the business and needed to carry out his wishes by keeping it running.
The bank wouldn't do this until we filled in numerous forms,which we did,then they rejected them saying that we needed to provide a partnership agreement signed by my dad. Well we can't do this, he's dead,but we supplied a copy of the last years accounts with the partnerships clearly defined and signed by dad. Not good enough,then when my elderly aunt tried to sort it out on the phone,they accused her of fraudulent activity because she couldn't answer the security questions,and froze the account,meaning I had to take 3 elderly people to the nearest branch,a 20 mile round trip,to prove who we were.
More forms to fill in,the manager assured us that we didn't need a partnership agreement ( it isn't a legal requirement),and we sent the forms off. Since then,my poor mum has been rung twice by bank staff,asking to speak to my dad. He's dead. They know he's dead. Then there is too much information on the form so they are rejecting it,we need to full out more forms.And attach a partnership agreement. Which we were told that we didn't need.But now we do. 4 months this has been going on.Today we got a letter from the bank,they are closing the business account. I despair.
We had to get the farm valued,as part of dad's estate. We have a land agent,so I got him to come and do it. He's known us for years,does all our stocktaking ect. I took an afternoon off work ( I'm self employed so won't get paid for that) and spent 3 hours going over all the farm property,vehicles,livestock,buildings,everything. It took him 9 weeks to produce the report. Our solicitor has been unable to start probate as she needed a valuation,the accountants couldn't do his tax return as they needed it too. I wasn't sent a copy,so had to request one. Good job I did as there is a glaring error,he had my dad down as owning 50% everything,which he didn't. The guy knows this,I told him. He's also invented an orchard on the farm,which we definitely don't have. I now have to contact him and ask him to readjust the report and all the figures, contact the solicitor and ask her to disregard the first report and wait for the correct one to be issued.
Why oh why can't people do their damn jobs?

@Feckedupbundle I am so sorry to read what you are going through in the aftermath of your father's death. How awful for you and your family. There seems to be a lack of empathy and compassion.
I hope you get through it with the support of your family.

As you said, it's not caring for a parent, but the levels of stress you are experiencing is very apparent from your post.

@Feckedupbundle wishing you strength to keep going and sorry about your Dad 💐
That is so hard and you are obviously still supporting your DM, aunt and uncle as well as the administrative nightmare of your DFs estate (and your own life!).

Just checking in to say hi and see how everyone is doing?

@Feckedupbundle so sorry about your dad and about all you are having to deal with. Sounds immensely frustrating.

Wonder if anyone else feels caring for a parent is affecting their physical health? I have an ongoing back issue and I'm sure that the stress of all I'm doing for DM on top of everything else in life is exacerbating it. It's like all the stress and tension is going to my back muscles and there is so rarely the time to do the things that would help - working out and stretching regularly etc I'm in pain a lot of the time at the moment and it's so debilitating

In the last month, Mum has had a stroke and another admission for a gastro issue

She's weak, very underweight, and look ls terrible. Aphasia has resolved though

She will hopefully have a follow-up with gastro and neurology, but I'm not holding my breath

So much else going on too with dh and dcs. I'm exhausted.

Wrt my health: just been told today I need an op on my shoulder

No idea how that will work tbh

Sorry to hear about your situation, there's a lot going on in your life and one word resonates with me......,"exhausted"
That says it all.

Having a bit of a quiet spell recently with regard to my parents. I have been working away most of the month but home today and out for brunch with friends.

July will probably be a little harder. Mum has blood tests for her CKD, the first of her cataract operations and an appointment to remove a skin tag where I've secretly asked the doctor to look at a very suspicious looking mole at the same. Mum has been fobbing me off about this for months.

This year has thankfully been quieter than the last one and I have made an effort to cut back on the daily phone calls to my mum which were always long and stressful.

Dad is well settled into his care home and is apparently always keen to join in with activities. He still thinks they're trying to gas him though!