My mum is dying from cancer and I'm struggling

[Ellemeg82]

My lovely mum who's 70 has advanced womb cancer and 3 weeks ago we got told that there was nothing more that could be done and it was palliative care only.

In the last couple of weeks she has deteriorated so now she can no longer stand, she's barely eating, not really speaking and honestly is a shell of her former self. She is skeletal thin and weak.

I'm finding it so difficult and painful to watch my mum fade from this awful disease.
Just a year ago before she was diagnosed she was so glamorous and energetic. She used to walk miles a day and enjoy her hobbies like gardening and local history groups.

She is currently home with the view that when she further deteriorates she will move to a hospice or the hospital.

They couldn't tell us how long she's got. I would say weeks with the state of her decline but I don't know.

I don't even know what the point of this post is other than to write it all down.
I love my mum and I am so sad having to watch her go through this suffering. I feel helpless. I feel guilty for going about my day to day life where hers is ending.

I watched my mum pass from stage 4 cancer, I moved in with her and was able to wfh from her house (DC grown up).
It was absolutely awful, I'm still in shock from it, really struggle with feelings of guilt that I could have done more, I probably couldn't have.
Watching your DM waste away in front of you is horrendous.
I moved in because my DM hated hospitals, she had a couple of stays when she was ill, there was absolutely no way I was letting her die in one.
I was lucky that I was able to move in.
We had some really touching moments together.
In the end I wasn't there when she passed, this is the thing I struggle with most, I hate myself for not being there, I've actually developed a habit of muttering "I hate myself".
In your position, I'd spend as much time with her as you can, say what you need to say, tell her you love her and in the end be kind to yourself ❤️

I'm so sorry, it's so tough. Be with her as much as you can, tell her everything you want her to know. Sending hugs, take care of yourself as well. Hope you have district nurses coming in to help. Went through this very recently with my Dad so I know what you're going through

Sounds like it's incredibly difficult and heartbreaking time for you. Are you able to adapt your day to day life (A/L/unpaid leave, Flexi) to enable you to have some more time with her in her last few weeks.

I hope you have some good real life support to help you through this
Now is just the time to keep things as simple as possible elsewhere in your life and where you can lean on people to help pick up the slack.

So sorry, it’s awful isn’t it. My mum is dying from bowel cancer. Still hard to write that down. She’s going downhill rapidly. I’m going to see her tomorrow. Haven’t seen her for a few weeks because I’ve been ill myself. It’s making me unbelievably sad.

This is so sad. She's still so young. I hope you have lots of support. Try your hardest not to put expectations on yourself. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this.

Thoughts and hugs for everyone who is dealing with similar.

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer that had spread to his liver last summer the only advice is take lots of photos and videos even if you have to hide them in a secret album (mine still are) but sometimes I have a flick through them! And that hospice/palliative nurses are amazing and will support you throughout!

Spend as much time as you can- in the final weeks I moved into Dads before he went into the care home (as no hospice only had a few beds) I was lucky (if that’s the right word?!) I was on Mat leave so didn’t have work to deal with my husband didn’t want me to have any regrets about not doing anything and despite me not wanting to be away from him with the baby I’m really glad I did!

@Ellemeg82 , I’m so sorry; this is really tough for you.
Please think about all the you might want to know, you have the chance to ask now. Please prioritise as much as you can spending time with your mum and talking to her, tell her how much you love her because at the end she may not be able to communicate with you. Please look after yourself this is one of the most tough things you will face. Please ask for the help you need from those you love who are not so affected by the situation.
I don’t think it’s possible to be prepared for loss of this magnitude even though you know it’s coming. Sending you a virtual hug. 🙏🏻

I'm so sorry. My mum died at 70 from cancer. She too was very glamorous and it was horrendous to watch her slip away. My son had died the year before from cancer of the brain and my mum was terrified of dying, terrified of putting me through watching her die.

Be with your mum as much as you can. Tell her all the things you want to say.

I was with my mum to the end and she knew she was never alone. She knew she was loved and me, my brother and my Dad surrounded her with love to the end. And that's all anyone can do really.

Sending you love.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My Mum had stomach cancer when she was 65, and her deterioration took place over about 9 months. It was really awful to witness (but no doubt much more awful to actually go through it).

After she died, I realised I was quite traumatised about the illness and the deterioration itself- as well as the actual loss, if that makes sense. When I had bereavement counselling (about 6 months or so after Mum died), dealing with the trauma of her illness and physical decline was almost separate to my grief.

For a while after she died, I kept picturing her diminished- painfully thin and suffering. In time, those memories were replaced with images of my Mum as she had been before it all. Fun and energetic and someone who lit up a room and made everyone laugh.

This will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do OP, but it’s so important. It’s a privilege to be by the side of someone you love so much as their life enters its last months/weeks/days/hours.

It’s hard not knowing how long it will be; and often we’re not sure if we really want to know or not. My mum went to a hospice in the end (which was absolutely wonderful- they truly are the most incredible, calm places in my experience). One of the hospice nurses told me that a rule of thumb is the rate at which the person is deteriorating. If their condition is changing from week to week, you are likely looking at weeks left to live. If they are changing from day to day, they may be in their last days. And then the same with hours. In my experience with mum and dad, that was quite accurate.

Sending you courage and calm to get through these most challenging of times. 💐

I’m so sorry - I know this pain. Sending love to you and your mum and holding you both in the light.

Thank you all for your kind words.
Sorry to hear so many of you have similar experiences. It really is such an awful disease.

My mum is adamant she doesn't want to die at home. She wants to die in the local hospice ideally but as the palliative nurse explained there may not be a bed available when the time comes in which case she would be moved to hospital on the cancer ward.
But for now it is nice her being at home in her own bed and surroundings (she was discharged from hospital 3 weeks ago after a 5 day stay).

We do have support from palliative nurses at home. My dad is with her 24/7. I live 5 minutes up the road and have been there as much as possible. I work part time and have a 2 and 6 year old. Work have been really understanding and I am currently using my annual leave to be with mum as much as I can. My husband is also a huge help as he is working from home so can get my eldest from school.

I appreciate the kind words and wishes x

I was fortunate to be able to stay with my dad at home, my adult dd flew home and we cared for him together in his final weeks.

having dad at home was hard work, emotional but district nurses supported with carers in 4 x a day and Marie curie over night

I found this easier than a hospital, which was where my mum died on an oncology ward.

the driver was xx put in 36 hours before dad died, we played his favourite music, held his hand changed his sheets, made him comfortable inbetween the harsher parts.

its so hard saying goodbye, not knowing how long, worrying about the suffering and watching their pain

work part time and have a 2 and 6 year old. Work have been really understanding and I am currently using my annual leave to be with mum as much as I can. My husband is also a huge help as he is working from home so can get my eldest from school.

my gp signed me off sick as I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate at work

Didn't want to read and run. Just want to say I'm so so so sorry, I've had family and friends pass from cancer and it's devastating. Sending you a big big hug OP. 🌷

Having had some experience with trying to make things as bearable as possible…some suggestions

silk pillow cases
fresh flowers with a scent your DM loves
ditto candles if she isnt using oxygen (no flames with oxygen for safety)
music she loves
try and move her bed so she has a view she likes and fresh air on her face (if she likes that)
dig out old photos and reminisce with her.

for you and your DF..ask friends to bring meals individually portioned. There is a website called lotsahelpinghands.com where you can set up a page to ask for things/help. Try and take some time everyday to just be you and breath and process what is happening

so sorry for you all

Just a handhold as went through it with my Dad at the start of this year.
He was in a hospice at the end, we all found this a great support.
Try and get signed off if you can as it's a huge strain. Being with them and just existing is so hard when you're going through it. I handed over as much parenting as I could to my OH in this period. Just wanted to be with my Dad as much as I could.
Lean on everyone you can and cry when you need to. Thinking of you.

@Ellemeg82 I hope your mum gets a place in the hospice when the time comes. From what I know of hospices, they will do everything they can to help her get her wish.

I see that you have young children and I understand how you are being pulled in different directions. My children were 7 and 5 when my mum was ill, and I can remember how I had to try to compartmentalise my life to some extent. I needed time to be with mum and support her; I needed time to just be mum to the children, trying to keep everything normal and ok for them, maintaining the routine. And then I also needed time to just be me; someone who was losing their mum and needed time and space to cry and rage and process it all. It’s hard to balance it all: in fact it’s impossible, so you just do what you can when you can and know that you’re doing your best.

No words of advice I'm afraid but you sound like a wonderful, caring, loving daughter and I'm certain from the way you talk about her that she knows how deeply she is loved.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this, it's absolutely heartbreaking. Sending lots of love to you all x

It really is tough, but I would do it again. My MIL lived with us for 3 months at her end of life care. Be gentle with yourself.

She loved that she could hear the grand kids and see them, as she was in our sitting room, bed bound.

It def was not easy, me and my husband took turns sleeping on the couch with her the last week.

I stand by your side in unity OP. My husband is dying of cancer too - all through his spine, ribs, pelvis, lung and now into his brain. He's skeletal and eats very little. He's only 59 but looks much older. The other week I took him for a blood test and he was in his wheelchair and the guy behind the desk said "is it for dad here?" I was mortified and glared at him and said "it's for my husband".

Interesting what a pp says about changing week to week, day to day. My husband has deteriorated a lot in the past several weeks and this last week especially he's become very confused, so I'm wondering if he's also in his last weeks now.

Big hugs for you. Such a difficult time, watching a loved one suffer so much.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through with your husband @2Old2Tango. What you are doing is the ultimate act of love. 💐
I hope when the time comes that it is gentle for you both.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My Dad is currently on palliative care for metastatic oesophageal cancer. I live round the corner and work part time too so am there as much as possible.
He wants to die in our local hospice and I just hope they have space when the time comes.

So sorry to hear the stories of anyone also going through this or who has been through this recently and /or in the past.

Mums not eaten anything for 2 days now and only having a few sips of water. Mainly sleeping. Pallative nurse upped the morphine dose so at least she seems slightly more comfortable now.
I painted her nails for her as she always has painted nails but had to remove it when she was in hospital so I tried to give her some glam back again now she's at home.

As it's Saturday my husband took the kids swimming and to the park whilst I have been with mum and dad. I got home about half hour ago so I could have dinner at home and put the kids to bed. Hard trying to juggle it all and be present for both my kids and my parents.

Just taking each day as it comes.

Taking each day as it comes is the only way @Ellemeg82. You are doing so well. It does sound as though it might not be long now for your poor mum. It’s good that she seems comfortable with the increased morphine.

Juggling everything is very hard. You’ve spent precious time with your mum today and you’ve been mum too to your DCs. I hope this evening brings an hour or two in which you can just ‘be’ and find some headspace. 💐

I’m glad your husband is being so supportive too. Mine was excellent when I was in this situation (in fact both of my parents had cancer at the same time so it was very hard to manage it all) and a supportive partner makes a huge difference when you’re trying to manage something like this.