Mum in care home found a man in her bed

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My Mum has been in a care home for about 6 months. She has mid stage Alzheimer's which fluctuates. Sometimes very confused. Sometimes more or less lucid. She's not loving being in a care home but has been a bit more settled recently.

I've had a few concerns about the care home (it's a relatively new home) mainly around the rate of staff turnover. But generally it's ok.

Anyway, my brother visited her today and she said she found a man in her bed. He checked with staff and it did happen. She's understandably very upset about it - and one aspect of her illness is fear that people are breaking into her home (now a room obviously) and also stealing from her.

She can't lock the door when she's not in the room so anyone can walk in at any time - which is what has happened here. Her door has her name on it but that didn't stop it happening. She can lock it when she's inside the room but she forgets how to do it.

No one from the care home notified us that this had happened which I feel is wrong - they must have known this was hugely upsetting for her and it have been reassuring for her to speak to me or one of my siblings. No member of staff told my brother - he found out from my Mum. Almost feels like they didn't want us to know.

Am I right to feel concerned that this has happened and also that they didn't tell us about it? Or is this sort of thing par for the course in care homes?

Right now I feel really emotional about it and feel like putting in a complaint but maybe I need to calm down first and get some perspective!

It is so hard all round.

My late OH was in an excellent nursing home, and the man in the next room had dementia and would often go into OH's room by mistake. It was very unfortunate as my OH had paranoia caused by Parkinsons and this just fed into it.

I never complained to the home - heaven knows they were doing their best and the staff cannot be everywhere all the time. I was able to do this as I could see that it was the best home in the area - I used to be a SW and had visited so many. Secure in that knowledge I was able to not worry too much about it. But I can see that if you do not yet feel secure about the quality of the home, this will take on a greater significance.

I would just put it down to an unfortunate incident at this stage and ask the staff to let you know if it were to happen again so that you can reassure your Mum. It is not ideal, but housing a group of people with varying degrees of dementia is a massive task and however many staff there are these things will happen.

One factor in play is the underlying sense of guilt we all feel when we find ourselves unable to meet a loved one's needs, so when things go wrong it really pulls our chain. I know that feeling.

Take care - I hope your Mum will settle.

Also say it's an unfortunate incident. I expect the gentleman himself has some form of dementia, and things like this do happen from time to time. When I worked in an EMI home we would spend the whole night leading people back to their own rooms. I'm sure if he knew what he was doing it wouldn't have happened.
Maybe all the rooms look similar and he thought he was getting in his own bed. If it becomes a habit then I would be inclined to say something. Or indeed just mention it next time you visit, so they are aware of how upset your mum was.

It's so hard isn't it, residents used to wander into my mums room. I would speak to the manager and ask how they intend to keep mum safe. I don't think only being able to lick the door from the inside is safe, they need locking from both sides which the staff can control, they would probably need to risk assess each resident and have consent to lick rooms. They could also use sensor mats and door alarms for residents who wander.

These things do happen, I guess it's the nature of the illnesses that most residents have.

I think the issue is, was it just one of those things, and you're happy with the care and supervision generally; or was it the last of many issues and the staff are not bothered and not keeping residents safe on a number of matters?

At night or in the day?

Unfortunately this is something that happens in these places. The staffing ratios are low so doors have to be open. It's the nature of the residents' conditions that they get mixed up. There's no easy answer, unless you're in a position to pay for a better staffed home.

Did he get into her bed when she was in it or did it happen in the daytime.

There is a huge difference.

I’m really sorry, it’s horrid for your mum and horrid for you to hear about it.
if she was in the bed when he got in, I would expect the care home to have reported that as an adult safeguarding incident, doesn’t really change much (I used to investigate such things and have now left the profession) but at least then you would have to have been informed and they would have had to devise some sort of plan to minimise the risk of it happening again.

Stopping something like that happening is very difficult if the man is mobile and there are less staff than residents. However, if the staff knew she was upset about this and it was causing concern they should have told you about it.

This is a slightly different situation but my mother has dementia and is in a care home. Three weeks ago they called me to say another resident - a newly arrived man also with dementia - had 'hit' my mother. I say hit in inverted comments as it was more of a tap / push as she was walking away from him. They notified me as they deemed it a safeguarding issue for my mum and so were going to report it to social services.

The following week they called again - he had hit her again. The manager outlined the plan to keep mum safe - keep them apart in the evening when both situations had occurred and put him to bed before the day shift ended. He was also being assessed as to whether he was able to live there without compromising other people's safety. A week later social services called me to get my views on the home, the incidents and whether I felt they were keeping her safe. Only because I said I was happy with her care and the way the matter was being resolved did the case get closed.

My mum has been found napping in other residents bedrooms but there is nothing malicious in it. But if it upset the other resident then I would expect the staff to find a way to stop her. Either lock her door or move her to a room that was further away so he didn't go near her door. But I would like to know if she was being genuinely upset by something another resident did. They shouldn't brush it under the carpet. Has it made her anxious?

Thanks for all the replies. My understanding (although I've not yet heard it from the care home) is that it happened in the daytime. She'd been out of her room and came back and found him undressed in her bed. She screamed and staff came and sorted it out.

Yes, it has made her really anxious. One symptom of her illness is a fear of people breaking into her home/room and stealing from her. When she was still in her own home there were numerous calls to the police about this (without foundation). So it's an acute fear of her's which has now been realised. It's going to be hard to reassure her that she has nothing to worry about now.

She has said she doesn't want to sleep in the bed again. She's says she is afraid of the man when she sees him. I'm sure it's not his fault, but it really feels far from ideal. I don't see why the rooms can't be locked from the outside when a resident leaves their room - there must be a safe way to do it in this day and age surely?

The comment above about feeling guilty about her being in a home, and even worse when something goes wrong, is spot on. I feel so bad about her losing her liberty. And now it's her privacy and feelings of safety and security. I still feel really upset about it

Is your mum capable of keeping a door key on a strap around her neck so that she can always keep her room locked? Because I don't think the staff will agree to lock and unlock the door all the time.