80 year old mum who abuses substances

[Swallowsflight]

My mum has always abused alcohol and other substances. However, she has become very frail. She has never looked after herself properly. My dad is struggling to cope with her and look after her. He is older and has his own serious health concerns. I cannot deal with her emotionally recently because she refuses help. I'm concerned as she gets less mobile and needs more care, how will we deal with that. She refuses to have a carer (they can afford it without any concerns). Dad won't be able to do it. I can't do it because I honestly cannot cope with her at all. She's very manipulative. What happens in these scenarios? I'm very concerned about the future and i feel like I can't prepare or plan for it.

I would contact your dm’s local alcohol key worker service. I don’t know if they can provide any services if dm doesn’t approach them direct but they are likely to be able to signpost you, give you general ideas about best managed way forward etc. Good luck, certainly sounds like a difficult situation. I think there is a big trend in older people abusing alcohol and they might have some specific age related advice.

I would be having conversations with your father about making arrangements for a care home when it reaches that point, which will probably not be that far off. The more prepared you are for this eventuality, the better. You're not going to get anywhere trying to reason with your mother.

Thank you. My dad mentioned at the weekend that he would have to consider a care home for her. But surely that can't happen if it's against her wishes? I'm confused about the practicalities of it. If she was to become bed bound but refused a carer, could social services make her go to a care home?

She won’t change and your dad won’t give up on her. They will stagger along until there is a crisis of some sort. Could be anything - she is hospitalised with a fall/fracture or serious injury; your dad becomes ill enough to need carers or a care home himself.

You can try to prepare for some of this by gathering information about local care homes, support groups for carers , that kind of thing. But don’t expect either of them to change massively.

Thank you vincetennoir, she has been in rehab before. She will not change. She refuses to see a doctor or have a carer, let alone discuss her addiction with a stranger. She has been an addict all her life. There is nothing I can do about that. But I do need to figure out how the future might look for us all.

Olderbutwiser I agree nothing will change but she won't let a carer into the house to help dad even if he did need one. How do I deal with that?

If your dad is denied care he needs and wants, you could refer that to social care.

Or you could look at it as a marital issue rather than a care issue. Would he leave her?

He will never leave her. Absolutely no chance.

That is so tough Op. I think for now you can report to Social Services that they are vulnerable older people, but while they both have capacity, any actual help will require engagement from one or other of them.

Have a look at Age Uk and possibly call their advice line.

Be prepared to support your Dad emotionally in making decisions, should a crisis occur.

It’s very hard, but they are adults with capacity, and it sounds like your Dad has lived with your mother’s addiction for many years. Sometimes we need to let them muddle through.

Thank you dearg. I have been letting them muddle through but when my dad is stressed and worn down he comes to me for support and help. It is so unbelievably painful to watch the situation play out, knowing it doesn't have to be so horrific. They do both have capacity but in actual fact she has always been a child and that has never changed. So she's pretty much a young child in an elderly persons body making decisions. My dad has always looked after her and done everything for her. I now do a lot for my dad and I do what I can for her to help him but my relationship with her is awful. She is very jealous of my relationship with my dad and often tries to turn him against me. It works sometimes for a while and he goes into complete denial about her behaviour. Then other times he is open about her addiction and how much he is struggling and he wants me help. Honestly the toing and froing is so tumultuous and it really hurts me. You'd think I would be used to by now but I actually feel like my ability to cope with her has recently dropped off a cliff. I cannot be around her without feeling like the child she emotionally abused.

I feel like I'm trapped in a horrible nightmare where I have to watch her kill herself slowly through self neglect and kill him through stress and sadness. I'm sorry, I just need to get it off my chest.

Ah well Swallows, it’s always good to get it off your chest, and this is the right place for that.
I do it it does not play our as you fear, and wish you some peace of mind through it all. 💐

AlAnon (for the families of alcoholics) could be a really useful resource for you OP, there will be people there who have gone through exactly what your family is facing and can offer invaluable advice and support.

I have the same situation, but I am 2 years further down the track than you are I think. My Mum is 79 and drinks a bottle of gin a day, she's been an alcoholic all my life. My Dad is completely codependent and has always done as she says. She now has a lot of memory issues (the memory clinic will not see her because of the drinking) and needs a lot of help to stand. She can shuffle a bit with a zimmer frame and she can't get out of the house.

My Dad eventually accepted my Mum needed carers when she became doubly incontinent and was going out in clothes that were covered in poo for several days. He has recently accepted that she needs more than one visit a day, and needs 2 carers at a time, following a hospital stay due to kidney failure. He will not countenance a care home because it would make her unhappy as she wouldn't be able to drink much, and recently helped her to discharge herself from hospital against medical advice so she could go home and drink.

She is in complete denial about the whole thing, and tells medical professionals that she doesn't have or need carers. My Dad is going downhill fast and can't cope. Like your Mum mine is jealous of my Dad spending any time with me and has accused us of having an affair.

It is horrendous and you have my every sympathy. I suspect that you will just have to wait for things to go wrong for them to accept the help they need, and it is a long, depressing process. If possible take a step back and let things take their course.

If you want to PM someone who is in the same boat do get in touch!

If social services deem she's not safe or can't receive proper care at home they can force the move to carehome. It's just happened to a friend's parent.

I'm so sorry to hear this but you have no idea what a relief it is to know someone gets it. I'm having a tough time at the moment and trying to pull myself together a bit. I will PM you when I have gathered my thoughts some more. Thank you so much for responding. It means a lot.

I understand the relief; I felt the same when I saw your post! I honestly half wondered if I had written it as there are so many similarities between the relationships involved. It's not surprising you are feeling overwhelmed with it all - just get in touch whenever you feel ready.