Coping with mother (in 60's) with alcohol problem

[Enchanted82]

Just wanted some advice from people who have dealt with parents who have had alcohol issues as im struggling and have my own family to think about.

Mother has had issues with alcohol for many years now, weve (my dad and I) have tried many strategies to help her but she always goes back to drinking at some point, despite maybe being off it for a few months. They live a few hours away so not easy to see them often. (their choice to move far away)
I talk to her as much as possible about getting help/support etc but mostly she is in denial. I feel helpless. I'm pretty sure of the triggers of her drinking and she knows them as well but it doesnt stop her.

I feel its impacting my own family life with the worry and is affecting my mental health.

You feel helpless because you are helpless. Nothing that you can do or say will make any difference. I barely ever remember my mother being sober, it was horrible. I tried for years to help her but ultimately she was an adult who made her own choices. As hard as it was I had to eventually accept that. She died very much sooner than she need have because of her chosen lifestyle. By all means support your dad as much as you can, he will need that. Try to find a way to come to terms with who she is rather than who you want her to be. Mostly I just shut her out of my mind as much as possible. 25 years later I'm still angry about the awful waste of her life and still want the impossible, a real mum who loved me more than the drink but most of the time, I'm able to just shut the thoughts out although it's taken a lot of practice.

My mum is 80 and has always had an alcohol problem along with other substances. I don't have any answers unfortunately apart from trying to protect myself, my family and my dad as much as I can. I also try to shut it out because it's very painful and difficult to accept when it's ongoing and I have to be around them to support my dad.

Have you tried Al anon. I have heard good things but haven't tried them myself.

I am the adult child of two alcoholics, you really have my sympathy. My parents are both late sixties and I live overseas.

ACA is a group like Al anon and I found the meetings helpful at times. There's also a lot of literature on the topic which I highly recommend. Also therapy if you can.

My dad no longer drinks but my mum does. I deal with a lot of sadness and resentment around my childhood and a combination of the above has helped a lot.

You have to step back from your mother and take care of yourself and your family and your health. I have learnt this from experience.
Remember :
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it
She has to want help/ to stop drinking and unless she does there is nothing you can do.
I write this as someone who has had to completely step back from an alcoholic relative. I know it is hard but there is really nothing you can do.

Thank you for your message, i really resonate with your point about accepting my mum for who she is and not what I want her to be - I have spent years of my life saying 'i just wish my mum was normal!' - its totally pointless i know.
I feel so embarrassed that my mum is like this, and think if people knew they would see me differently or judge me as a person. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.

The hardest thing is just wanting my daughter to have her granny around. It pains me so much that she is deliberatley inflicting this on herself

Please don't feel embarrassed. I did for a long time too but not now. I am very sad about how her life has turned out though and the opportunities for joy she has missed and continues to miss. I'm going to try alanon I think. Maybe it could help you too. I don't think there is any other way than acceptance and detachment. It's not a straight path either.

I feel so embarrassed that my mum is like this, and think if people knew they would see me differently or judge me as a person They would. Their opinion of you would go up hugely, coping with all that in your life.

I empathize completely OP, in a very similar situation

So no help, just want to say you're not alone 💐

@Enchanted82 what is the impact on your family? Is it just the worry about her, or is it her behaviours etc?

My late DF was an alcoholic, his mum was too. The havoc caused by alcohol addiction is heartbreaking. He tried rehab / AA etc but it didn’t work.He was a kind alcoholic though , never ever nasty and i could never bring myself to get angry to his face. He disliked himself enough I felt and I didn’t want to add to that. I would live with that heavy stone of worry in my stomach though.It’s an illness really and I tend to believe some people are more prone to alcohol addiction than others. I don’t have much advice, i just want to say I sympathize and as others say maybe accept your DM as she is and most of all protect yourself , there’s not much else you can do .

My mother had a successful career, but it was one which involved a lot of drinking, and over many years. It was horribly destructive on a personal level. In the end, I mentally 'divorced' her: just someone I used to know. Life was much easier afterwards.

@grungey it’s mainly the worry- the fact that she will die far sooner than she needs to and the impact of that on my young daughter I suppose. Knowing she is inflicting this on herself I find hard to deal with. She’s almost always sober when she’s with my family, when she’s with my dad she drinks.

That’s amazing if she’s always sober with your family. Îd take that and visit with the kids. My now adult kids have fond memories of their GF and are non judgmental about the alcoholism (but wary themselves of ever getting pulled into drinking too much) .BTW we lost our DF earlier than we should have but it was not at all related to the drinking.

@Enchanted82 in that case - gently - this is your mother's decision to make and hard as it is, you need to stop judging her if the only impact is your (completely understandable) concern for her.

My mum is a lifelong smoker. I hate listening to her wheezing during a gentle walk, my children saying yuk she smells when she comes back in after having a cigarette. She won't give up. I know she'll die prematurely. I can't make it my problem though.

My mums sister gave up smoking in the 90's but became morbidly obese and died younger than she needed to because of her lifestyle choices.

I understand how you feel but you have to try and take a step back, maybe some counselling to help you process your feelings around this