Falls

[tobee]

I just don't know what to think. I don't even know if I just need to vent here.

So I've posted about my elderly df and dm who live together in a small semi in a group of other houses; people all ages.

My dm is 88 next month and my df is 89. Both are frail. My dm is pretty good mentally but very restricted mobility with arthritis.

My df less arthritic but frail and early ish dementia.

Both are very tottery. My dm is better at listening to sense about care when moving. My df not good. Uses a stick but only when out.

Last week I took them out. Walked with df ti bookshop to spend his book token. Bookshops being his delight. He was holding my arm and using a stick, I was carrying his bag of books and just as we were two yards from the car he tottered over and I couldn't catch him. Fortunately we were right by supermarket and a lovely nurse happened to be next to us and checked him (superficially) and the supermarket had 2 people come and help us. It was decided he didn't need hospital but we just went straight home.

Call this morning from my dm to say he'd fallen in the garden sorting out the washing clothes horse, which he's obsessed with doing. 😮 He's badly bruised his back but insisted on getting himself up and won't go to hospital. My dm has one of those alarms you where on your arm and press for a first responder to come. They did not use this as he got up after crawling

After lots of chat to my dm today I eventually said what would you think if you were me etc and she said "I'd think that they want to be allowed to do what they want". Which is bullshit that shed think that. That's what they want but not what I think.

We endlessly talk about carers but I don't think my dm thinks carers can offer much of use. I said you at least need an assessment. They had a district nurse come the other day who said something like you don't need anything much yet apparently 😮 She has a physio coming again tomorrow so I said get him to check dad out at the least. My dm mostly wants to talk about how gorgeous the physio bloke is

I live an hour's drive away but I just don't know what to think.

What do people do about their parents' falls?
Obviously it helps that they are together. But then if they weren't then we could intervene more. It's Catch 22.

• I'd think that they want to be allowed to do what they want".

Words to that effect

While they have capacity you can’t intervene against their will. Even if they’re living alone.

what did I do? Got my father referred to a consultant who basically said “he’s got very good balance for his age. Thereafter left him to it.

Make sure your dad knows how to get himself up, by crawling to a chair or bed, the getting on to hands and knees, placing hands on chair and pushing himself up till he can sit down.

I agree it doesn't sound like there is a whole lot you can do. A carer is for when you can't do your own personal care, they won't stop someone walking in their garden. Is their particular jobs you don't want them to do? You could offer to do their heavy housework or arrange a cleaner to do it?

Thanks for your replies and taking time to read and think!

They have a cleaner (now and then) and my dsis and I try to do the heavy lifting, get them to wait for us and we do a few jobs when we're there regularly as possible.

My dad falls a lot and it's very frustrating for me. He doesn't want help but also moans about falling. You can suggest that he sees the GP to check for ear infection, blood pressure etc. and possibly ask if occupational health can assess the house/him. Does he have a stick? Is it the right one? Does he need grab rails or other items at home to help? I'd like my dad to have a better higher chair (job for next few weeks!) and for him to take some time to think and steady himself when he moves/ stands.

How about a walker, the ones with wheels are very good, better than a stick and some can be used as a seat & to put things in.

My (90 year old) dad had a really helpful session with a falls specialist sent by the GP who visited the house, talked through various options & also gave him a set of exercises to improve balance. I don't know if your surgery could refer to something similar?

From personal experience of elderly relatives, I think they think that accepting help from outsiders (carers) or speaking to a GP about falls is tantamount to admitting to themselves they are getting old and less able to cope as their bodies fail them.

It's a pride and independence thing and they can't see how they're actually making life and things more difficult for themselves by burying their heads in the sand and pretending everything's okay.

A referral via gp- or in some places you can self refer to the local falls team might be useful- or maybe where physio is from. Their aim is to keep people mobile and safe., and as independent as possible, preventing admissions to hospital.
they can also help with ot/ aids etc.

Thanks for these replies.

My dm is now saying she's making him use her walker.

A falls specialist sounds a good idea.

I'm just worried that they're going to do something that will massively incapacitate them for months/years!

It only seems a minute ago that they were berating relatives a generation above for not being more "sensible" or having "help"! But of course it wasn't. I'm probably not going to be any different if I get to that age! 😬

It's very frustrating when they're that independent.
But he shouldn't be falling repeatedly like that. There might be something else going on and it merits checking.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would try and sweet-talk DF into a GP visit for something minor, and alert the GP beforehand about the falls.

The falls chap was so helpful & positive - as @thesandwich says it was all about supporting my dad to do the things he wants to do, and really the opposite of putting limitations on him.

I've always found all the professionals we've dealt with have been really positive about his independence & activity levels, just suggested useful ideas to help. Unlike neighbours etc who generally think he should be wrapped in cotton wool it seems (which would be his worst nightmare)

Though I've just reread your op, & realised your dad has some dementia. I imagine that does make things much harder when capacity to make an active choice becomes less certain

Seconding/thirding the falls team. Mum had a run of really quite nasty falls (nastier when she broke her specs which are like £500+ as she likes fancy frames and has a really complex and expensive prescription) and I told her I wasn't going to nag her or threaten to put her in a home, but for my own mind, could she go to the GP and ask to be referred to the falls clinic - which she did.

Her blood pressure was dropping and triggering a lot of them - she's got some compression garments, a change of medication and it's gone a long way to reducing them down. The other small request I made was that she kept her mobile phone ON her and not on charge on the kitchen bench after she's run the battery down playing fucking Candy Crush Saga... she's done that as well. Discussed whether getting an Apple Watch with falls detection on would be something she'd consider but she doesn't feel that's needed at present.