Anger, bitterness and hate from aging parent

[Yellowcrush]

My mother is in her early 70s. Over the past two years I observed some stuff from her that doesn't make much sense.

There's been some anger spells from her over the past few years that just don't make sense and I am her trigger. I remember one time she raged and ranted at me for a brother if mine having a hangover but I wasn't responsible for that. Just stuff that doesn't make sense.

Over the past week it's much more intense now. There's anger, hate, bitterness, rudeness, sarcasm, back answers and just filthy from her. She can never see any good in anything. She has so much blame and hate for my brothers partners. She's just horrible.

Is this the way people get when they are old.
She's vile.

I was reduced to tears this weekend.
I do my best but she's never happy. She's a scumbag. I really wish I wouldn't have to say that but that's it.

It could be an early sign of dementia or just general unhappiness at her advancing age.

If this is new, there's definitely something wrong. People don't suddenly become monstrous just because they are aging. There are a number of dementing illnesses which involve personality changes. Try to get her in to the GP. If she won't cooperate, see if you can somehow sweet-talk her into it on some other pretext and alert the GP in advance of what's been going on. Sorry you've been going through this, OP. Sounds awful.

My dad went the same way. Early onset fronto-temporal dementia, ie Pick's disease. One of the rarest. He was treated horribly by my mother who initiated divorce after her 'friends' talked her into 'ditching him'. Dementia is extremely hard to diagnose, so don't be surprised if it takes years to suss out what's wrong with her. I'm sorry you've dealt with this.

First of all, she's not always like this.

In my younger years she was difficult especially towards me, her daughter and she was easier on my brother's. They are all not around any more. So she always had something about her.

She did mellow during some years.

But now, she is worse than ever before. She's bad. She's filled with so much hate and bitterness and anger.

I was thinking for a few years that there was something happening and it's behavioural and mood issues from her. Now it's getting worse. I talked to her GP before and they always cited 'memory loss'. There's so much things happening with her now.

If you can, persuade her to go to her GP and let the GP know your concerns in advance. If she won't go, tell her GP and see if they will ask her in for a check up. That should help get a diagnosis.

My experience of this has been dementia. One parent though just got a lot more anxious and that would come out as complaints often, even though it was really the underlying anxiety.

"She's filled with so much hate and bitterness and anger."

My mum seems to be turning this way too (also 70s). I seem to get the brunt of it all, the anger and bitterness. That life hasn't turned out the way she wanted. That I haven't lived the life she wanted me to live. Denial about not getting any younger.

It's all my fault (apparently). Or, at least, I am the sounding board for all her vitriol.

I no longer take it personally. She knows when she pushes me too far but instead of apologising for her appalling behaviour she wheedles and creeps and grovels and snivels. I've reached a point where I find it quite funny and so, so predictable.

She's just a bitter old(?) woman who takes out her shit life on me.

Dear @Yellowcrush Maybe she got a health condition, maybe not. But until she wants help there is nothing for you to do.

In the meantime, you do not have to tolerate her behaviour. Leave her alone, don't go to visit and let her live her life any way she chooses.

Treat yourself to something you enjoy doing and put her to the back of your mind, at least for now.