Please give me the benefit of your experience.

[TheSandgroper]

Hello all

I am here to ask for your wisdom. The parameters are

• NOT IN THE UK

• self funding everything
• DF is well, just old. He still drives etc. Getting tired of living on his own, I think. A long way from the nursing home.
• we have a granny flat
• DH is relaxed about it. They get on well. My children are not young any more.

My dearest of fathers has expressed a wish to move to us. We are thankfully not in extremis but I want him up here within the next 6 months so he has the ability to build a few local friendships of his own before he becomes housebound etc.

My plans are to move him bags and baggage up here with most of his stuff going into storage as we live in the city. Stuff will be easier to slowly clear/sell etc from here rather than three hours away.

His house, which is getting grimier and grimier, will be easier to clean once empty. I suppose we will sell it once it’s bloody clean. Selling is not an immediate financial concern.

Any rent we charge will leave us revenue neutral - not planning to make a profit. Think storage fees, electricity, gas etc. We are mortgage free. I have POA, am named on his bank account (or something) and am executor.

I have two brothers. If they say anything more than “yes, dear”, they will receive short shrift.

I acknowledge that we are in a very fortunate position.

Please, hive mind, let me know what else I need to think of?

Huge thanks in advance.

It seems like you've thought of everything - main problem is loneliness so encourage him to keep up his interests and interact.

Also tie up any loose ends and paperwork. Is he computer literate? (No offense meant by the question, neither of my parents were! Made things more difficult.)

Hopefully he'll find a few local spots like cafes and some green spaces to enjoy.

Please read some of the long running threads in elderly parents- “cockroach cafe” and “waiting for someone to die. “ They will give you a crystal ball glimpse of what the future might hold.
Aside from the financial side, consider… what happens if he develops care needs/ mobility issues/ dementia/ nursing needs. What are his/ your expectations? NEVER say we’d never put you in a home.
And will bruvs accept this/ wash their hands/ snipe you’re stealing their inheritance?
and please don’t assume he’ll build new friendships. Some folk do, but many don’t.
For some it can work well….. but most of the tales on these boards are of the problems that arise. Forewarned is forearmed!

Anything computer I will do. I am having to do that in a minor way now.

And, yes, social side I want him here sooner rather than later tomcreate a bit of a life.

I’m very pleased you think we are covered.

How old is he? What is it about the way he is ageing that is making him want to move now?

Our worries about moving an aged parent to us are:

They would lose their existing social networks and support, which are substantial.

They are showing early signs of dementia and we think moving to an unfamiliar area might exacerbate this.

They are declining quite rapidly so we could move them on the basis of their present needs and then they might e.g. need full time care quite soon.

We haven't ruled it out but it feels like a massive commitment to take on.

As @thesandwich says, Cockroach Cafe is a great place for support and shared experience.

Will he be self-sufficient for the time being - doing his own cooking, laundry etc, or do you think he will start to rely on you more? Could he cope if you go away or on holiday and leave him at home?

Is the granny flat at ground level, and would it be suitable for adaptation in the future should he need a wheelchair or assistance with bathing etc?

How do you feel about being in the position of having to provide long-term personal care if he declines, or would there be funds to pay for carers or move him into a nursing home at that point?

He’s 90. Quite the pragmatic type so I imagine making a new life for himself would be on his list of things to do. Had elderlies move into his house when he was growing up so is aware of the process. Currently quite self sufficient if we went on holiday.

Personal care - will have a lot of funds to burn through before he qualified for social care. But, based on current health, that’s a long way away. Though tomorrow is always a new day. But, far out, $1000/wk would be the starting point but I believe he could afford it for a considerable time.

We would need a couple of ramps and bars later, I imagine, but easy to do.

Absolutely no sign if dementia. While I wouldn’t expect him to drive somewhere really new, he would be quite capable of pottering around here to this, that and the other. Shops, doctor, church, library etc.

He sounds amazing for 90. However, lots of our parents have been amazing for their age, and then suddenly they weren't. So you need to think about how you would deal with the worst possible outcomes as well as the best.

It's quite optimistic to think of a 90 year old building a new life, new friends etc. When my FIL became frail, his old friends would still visit him and ease the load for MIL a little. Realistically, that wouldn't be there for your father. He is going to be totally dependent on you for his social support.

That might still be the best option, but you need to be aware what you are taking on, and clear what he would be leaving behind.

@BishyBarnyBee I do take everyone’s points.

Honestly, if he stays at home, he has nothing and no one to support him as he grows older. Mum has died. We have all moved away because … country towns. His mates are nearly all dead (another funeral this week) and very good neighbours who have known him for 50 years (because … country town) have moved. And he is an immigrant himself. He knows how to build a life from scratch and is currently still capable of it.

Choice magazine, our Which?, has not much good to say about personal alarms so if he fell properly, it would likely be days before he was found. I can’t live with myself leaving him to all that.

I am not blind to what lies ahead. But, people have to age and arrangements must be made for that. So, I am looking at arrangements. Read my opening post properly. We are lucky compared to so many others.

With me, he has us, my brothers would be handy for visits if not useful because I won’t take any swanning in shit, I have relations who he is extremely fond of and they of him. Also, a few friends which, while I or someone would drive, he could see.

@thesandwich I know what the will says but I forget whether my brothers do. However, none of us are in need and we are not the types to snipe over it. I don’t foresee any problems there.

You sound great, a lovely mix of pragmatic and loving.

I'd really avoid putting stuff in storage. I'm currently clearing out my parents' home and god there is so much rubbish. So many paintings. So much furniture that we were brought up to believe was incredibly valuable and real heirlooms - turns out they're worth pretty much nothing nor would they fit physically (or aesthetically for that matter) into our much smaller homes.

I'm trying to distribute out possessions but everything takes so long. Like the jewellery alone has taken me so much time as you can't just get rid of it as some of it may be valuable and in which case you want it to be fairly apportioned.

I digress but when my parents downsized (all of the above is after they'd done massive clearout), they couldn't quite finish the job and so put stuff in storage. 15 years later that's where it still was, having spent probably around £15,000 on the storage costs. I honestly would clear his house in one go but three stages:

1. take what he needs for his new annex - his possessions, clothes, furniture he loves etc
2. you take whatever you want for yourself and your brothers do the same
3. pay house clearers to take the rest.

Oh and depending on what inheritance tax laws are where you are, I'd make sure he pays a rent that more than covers any expenditure on your part. Charge market rates.

It's quite optimistic to think of a 90 year old building a new life, new friends etc. It is optimistic, but my father did it at 86

I was going to quote your df, @MereDintofPandiculation but from what you’ve said about him he’s very special.
At 90 all it takes is a fall, broken hip etc to change everything.
But you sound v pragmatic!

On the not being in the UK , I would say make yourselves aware of what help is available should you need it.
If your dad might need additional care in the future, what are the options? Daily carer to do meals etc plus gp/nurse availability for medical stuff? Nursing/residential care facilities should it ever be necessary?
The funding may be fine but absolutely arm yourself with knowledge of what is possible.
My dad and his wife moved to Spain some years ago. He died last year, and his wife was very ill, it took a lot of doing to find her care. Different situation to you as I live in the UK and had to coordinate from here but had I not had help from the UK emigrant community via an Age charity I'm not sure it would have been possible. Sadly she died shortly afterwards. I ended up with knowledge of the Spanish social care system that I didn't expect!

I moved my mum to be closer to me - she bought a bungalow 2 doors down. She's 89. She goes into town on the bus once a week, dancing class in the village hall once a week, and has made other friends in the village. This time last year I was the only person she knew.
It works for us, and like OP I am fortunate to be in a position to provide more help / care when needed
@TheSandgroper it sounds like you have everything in place, and have options for any changes in the future

It's great hearing these positive stories of older parents making a successful late move. My experience has been of the move being left too late and only happening when things were starting to go down hill, so that the move didn't really achieve what it set out to. However, your dad sounds in a good place so this might work well for you all. He's lucky to have you @TheSandgroper.

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. It’s good to find I seem to have everything well in hand. I was so sure something was missing but no one has come up with anything big.

I do take everyones points about wills, storage, future pathway etc.

Oh, in Australia, there is no inheritance tax. And no government has wanted to be voted out so much that they would bring it in.

@DumbledoresWand @BishyBarnyBee Thank you for your kind words.