Manipulation of parent by my sibling?

[Depends]

I am concerned my mum aged 84 is being manipulated by my brother.

He is in his 40s, single, childless and has lived in my mum's house his entire life. He works full time.
I am late 40s and live 250 miles away with my 2 young adult children in social housing, left when I went to university at age 18. I work full time. 1 child at uni full time, 1 works and studies.
There is definitely a golden child/scapegoat dynamic, hence I couldn't wait to leave.

My mum's arthritis has recently got worse and her mobility is very minimal. She can only get around extremely slowly with a frame.
She has had a social care assessment and they recommended carers 3 time a day. As she has savings over the threshold, she has to self fund.

My dad is in his 80s and they divorced years ago, but he lives nearby and visits her often. My dad just let me know that my brother had taken legal advice, and she has transferred of her house into my brother's name, so he won't be homeless if she has to go into a care home. Previously she had always said she was leaving me and my brother half and half in her will.

If she does need to go into a care home, and the house is sold, under deprivation of assets rules, will he keep his half, and her half of the house be used to pay her care fees?
Could she transfer half to me?

Instead of having carers 3 x day, she has a carer 1 X a day, her and my brother have decided he will do the care at the other times .
He has sent me abusive text messages saying that me and my children should be helping with her personal care, and that I am barred from the house.

I am worried he is turning her against me. He has always been her favourite, although she wouldn't admit this.

If your barred from the house how does he expect you to help her?

You live 250 miles away. Nothing you can feasibly do. If SS are involved and carers are going in at least it is being monitored.

I don’t think you will be mentioned in your DM’s will as your DB would have made sure everything is left to him.

@TheCheeseThief good question!
He sent me a barrage of messages over several hours last weekend while I was at work, beginning with we should be helping, he is clearing up 'shit and piss', that I shouldn't make shite excuses about my kids mental health problems, and finally that I shouldn't ever fucking go there again because I am barred.

When I spoke to my mum on the phone about getting carers, he took the phone and said they don't want 'foreigners and strangers' in the house while he's not there. I said that's fine if it's their choice, but he continued repeating about how difficult it is for them with him working full time and doing personal care. His tone was angry and when I said this he put the phone down.
I then realised he may have told my mum I put the phone down.

What is it you're concerned about? Is it your mum's care or the house/ will?
You said yourself you couldn't wait to leave and you're 250 miles away.

@UsernameRedacted it's a bit of both.

He's said he thinks she needs to go into a home, but she is adamant she doesn't want that.
A couple of years ago, he persuaded her to have his Ukrainian girlfriend move into the spare room under the refugee scheme. My mum didn't like her, as mum said the girlfriend was always telling her off, and she was so relieved when she moved out. But, she didn't want to say anything to my brother because she didn't want to upset him.

And the inheritance aspect, in a way I view that as mine and my kids 'compensation' in way. She has always said she is leaving us 50/50 and would vehemently deny she prefers my brother. I know noone has a right to inheritance, but I feel it would be unfair if he has persuaded her to change her will because he is doing all the care. He's already persuaded her to transfer half the house to him.
When we have visited, it was very clear he gets better treatment, and she had begun to favour one of my kids in the same way. They then decided themselves as adults to go no contact with her. Last year my older daughter wrote her a letter explaining why and saying if she's willing to talk about it and change, they can have a relationship, but my mum didn't respond although she received the letter.

To be fair if he's doing all her personal care etc then I would expect him to get most of the inheritance.

@Depends I would be 99.9999% certain you are no longer in your DM’s will.

Move on with your life accepting this.

You cannot do personal care from 250 miles away.

Your compensation for what?

I'm not surprised that your daughter didn't receive a reply if her letter was worded like that, ie saying that she would only deign to see her grandmother if she was "willing to change."! The arrogance of youth! 🤣 🤣

I don't know what legal advice he took but it sounds dubious. If the house belonged solely to her and she transferred it to your brother at this point then it would be viewed as deprivation of assets if she did need to go into a care home. If it was possible to do this then everyone would be doing it!

If it needs to be sold to pay for care then he has no right to stay there - he isn't disabled or over 60!
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/do-i-have-to-sell-my-home-to-pay-for-care/

You can't do personal care from that distance. You'll just have to signpost him back to SS if he's struggling to cope. Caring is very hard work so he may well be struggling, but that doesn't mean you're the right person to do anything about it.

I'd forget about the possibility of inheritance. It's never a good idea to assume you'll inherit as so many things can happen - even if you're mentioned in the will if it all goes to pay for care then you'll get nothing anyway.

Your brother is behaving irrationally. What did he think was going to happen when your Mum got old and he was still living with her?

You could respond saying you are prepared to have a sensible conversation with him but not if he tells you you are banned from the house! You need joint Power of Attorney set up - fast.

The most pertinent post on this thread is from @EmotionalBlackmail when they say "If the house belonged solely to her and she transferred it to your brother at this point then it would be viewed as deprivation of assets if she did need to go into a care home. If it was possible to do this then everyone would be doing it!

If it needs to be sold to pay for care then he has no right to stay there - he isn't disabled or over 60!
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/do-i-have-to-sell-my-home-to-pay-for-care/

For people feeling sorry for the brother - don't forget he has had years of living off his mother, think of all the money he's already saved doing that.

We have a similar situation in my family - step mum is 78 and has her 43 year old son still living with her. She's now talking about changing her will so that he gets more than her other two children when she dies - because he would lose his home, oh dear. I'm looking forward to seeing how they would handle that. I'm completely detatched from it because she charmingly disinherited me years ago.

This is your mother's fault for refusing to pay for carers.

Or is it your brother who's telling her not to get them, worried that his inheritance is being used up?

@TheShellBeach do you have much experience of older relatives needing care? Because the experience of many of us is that it is utterly normal for them to resist any outside help, be very reluctant to spend any money on themselves, be in complete denial about how bad things are, and put massive pressure on family members to do it all for them.

It is also quite common for the person living nearest to be under intolerable pressure and the family members who live further away to have no appreciation whatsoever for what either the parent or the carer are going through.

There is zero acknowledgement from the OP of the fact that yes, clearing up your mum's shit and piss after a full day at work is really hard, distressing and emotionally draining. The brother has said he thinks she needs to go in to a home, it's the mum who is resisting that - as many elderly people do. It's the OP, not the brother, who seems primarily concerned with her inheritance.

exactly this. Lol!

You sound very much like you are only interested in your 'compensation'. What a weird way to word it.

Your children have gone no contact? Is there more to this? What did she do to your children.

My brother lives at the other end of the country, comes up maybe once twice a year, I help out with my parents, this does piss me off, but I would never rant - I could have moved away but chose not too. They would not be comfortable with carers coming in and out of the house.

How many times a year do you visit her?

I know noone has a right to inheritance, but I feel it would be unfair if he has persuaded her to change her will because he is doing all the care.

OP this line speaks volumes - you only really care about what you are going to get out of your mother. She may have transferred half the house to your brother in recognition of the care and companionship she has been getting from him. You say that you somehow deserve 'compensation' - for what? What have you done from 250 miles away?

You are angry that she has given him half the house (which is still his home by the way), but your 'solution' is for her to give you the other half?!

Caring for an elderly person is really difficult and draining, and maybe she wanted to also ensure that your brother wasn't left without somewhere to live if she dies or has to go into a home. You have a secure house to live in (social housing) and he doesn't, she may be worried about what happens to him when she's gone.

You sound utterly grabby.

From what I know of care of elderly people, it's not unfair if your brother gets some sort of compensation for it in the form of secure housing when your mother passes. It's really hard work and the value of what he's doing will far exceed the house, if she lives any length of time.

If he's working, does he help pay towards the maintenance of the building? If so, he's invested in it while you haven't.

On the surface it might seem unfair but when weighing it all up, it might not be.