Guilt about mum

[Kelwar]

Hi all. I just wanted to get some thoughts from anyone else with parents who essentially disowned them as children but now feel guilty for not wanting to be their parents carer.
I’ll give some background in a nutshell.
My parents had my brother and I when they were very young, they split when I was 5 and my brother was 7. My mum got custody of me, met an older rich man and put me in boarding school at 6 years old. First weekly boarding, but by year 6 I was a full boarder. I hated it. I cried and cried for my family.I would beg her to take me out but my cries were always met with resistance. By the time I was in year 4 ( about aged 9) my mum and step dad were leaving me at school for the odd weeekend so they could go on holiday together.
I never went on holiday and would spend 8 weeks sitting in my mums office during the summer.
My mother loved the life my step father provided, but they were both heavy drinkers and this lead to them having a very toxic sometimes violet relationship.
When I turned 18 I moved out ..i didn’t feel I had much choice..so I moved to London, I had no money and a job that just about covered my rent.. I didn’t have money for extras such as food.. I asked my mum to lend me £20 one day and she huffed and puffed at me. My brother (who lived with our dad) once asked her for £20 and she said he could have it but he’d have to get the train to her to get it.. he didn’t have the train money obviously so was unable to get the £20.
I got married and had my first child at 32, as soon as I had him, my mother and her partner sold their home in the UK and moved to France.. she was never available for helping or babysitting.. she didn’t want to do it anyway..
At 38 I had my daughter and the night I had her my mother did look after my son.. I had a terrible hemorrhage during birth and honestly thought I might die, I really wanted my husband to stay with me, but my mother asked my husband when he would be home so he felt pressured to get back so she could go home.
She then moved to Spain and called me once a fortnight.. she didn’t form particularly close bonds with her grandchildren (including my brothers 4 children) as she was never really in the country.
she was very resentful of the relationships they all had with their other grandparents though and there have been many remarks over the years to demonstrate that.
She has smoked and drank her way through her adult life and now is incredibly overweight has COPD and is basically a carer to my 86 year old step father.. she is 69 (big age gap).
They moved back to the UK about 8 years ago and now she wants me to speak to her regularly, she’s been told her COPD is at stage 3 but she continues to have the odd puff of a cigarette and has done nothing about her weight, regardless of endlessly telling me she will be addressing her health.
She is forever talking about her health and wanting sympathy and more attention from me saying things like ‘if I make it to 70, I’ll be happy!’
After the life she has given my brother and I, I am really resenting this constant feeling that I should be doing more, that she doesn’t have long left and the guilt with my conflicting emotions about how I will feel once she has gone.
I tried to go no contact a couple of times because of the past but she was bulldoze her way in to my life.
My question is, do I forgive and forget and make her last months/ years wonderful? Or do I preserve my own MH and focus on my own family and keep her at arms length like I have been doing? My head is a mess.
Doesn’t help that I am nearly 50 and menopausal myself.
What would you guys do?
TIA x

💕

She's never going to be the mother you want her to be. She probably just wants to keep contact to make herself feel better by continuing to abuse you.

Have you had any help in dealing with your MH when it comes to her? Understanding the dynamic might be very helpful to you. Women's Aid can help with this, they're not just there for male/female abuse situations, but familial too.

I look after my elderly parent, we've aways had a lovely relationship and it can be hard going sometimes. Don't put yourself into a carer's situation if your relationship is poor, you won't survive it. Focus on your own family, which is what she should have done when you were a child.

My childhood was nowhere near as sad as yours (I don't mean to be patronizing or upset you by saying that) but now I have children I see how emotionally unavailable my own mother was. I only remember one cuddle, I don't have any fond memories of fub times we spent together.
All this to say , I think having our own children reveals a lot to us.
It's wonderful you have such a great relationship with your daughter. And you owe your mother nothing. Phone calls to her are generous of you.

She ruined your childhood, don't let her spoil your adulthood too

YES this last statement about her ruing my adulthood too had really resonated with me.. thank you.. I needed to read that as that makes sense and I want a peaceful life now.. 💕

When I had my therapy he made a statement that’s stuck with me. He realised very early on that our relationship with our mothers is very important. He had elderly men and women in the hospital calling out for their mums. It’s scientifically proven that when you hug your mum it releases oxytocin. We are hard wired to want our mums for comfort.

OP you will always want your mum or the version you wish you had. Again that’s just built into all humans and not your fault. It’s not your fault your mums emotionally not available. Trying to accept this will help massively. I’m mostly ok with my relationship now but always have massive wobbles when I’m upset and basically want comfort which I never get. I get very jealous of people and their relationships at times. It’s hard and people who haven’t experienced this don’t get it. It would be easier to explain at times if our parents were physically abusive.

Very true.. all of it… I can’t explain to people that my mother basically has never cared for me.. I have actually made out my family is picture perfect to the mums at the school gates.. people that will never know.. because I want so badly to have someone care for me in that capacity.. doesn’t help that my father disappeared when I was 16 never to be seen again.. my brother doesn’t even see him and he lived with him.. when I really think about it sometimes the hurt is too much so I block it.. then I geel anger and resentment. I’m sorry you have wobbles too.. god it’s so savage isn’t it!?

It hurts that the one person who should love you unconditionally, would lay down their life for you and if your ever in trouble / if you ever need comfort should be asking “where are you I’m on my way” but we don’t have that it’s hurts so much.

You aren’t alone its sucks massively but silver lining it makes us much better parents. Our children will never have this and you’re breaking the cycle. For that OP you should give yourself credit.

How dare she start wanting you now! Just because she needs something. Where was she for you? I'm so angry on your behalf OP! Don't let her do this to you. Say no, block her.

You feel guilty and that you should be doing more because you are a decent person.

I would honestly not be doing her any favours and would focus on my own family ❤️

It's really not your job to make her life wonderful, and it sounds like the way she is, even if you sacrificed everything and tried, she'd find a way of not appreciating it and engulfing herself in whatever negativity is part of her life at the time. So there would be no 'wonderful' outcome for anyone. It sounds harsh but you have to put yourself and your genuine loved ones first. ❤️

I’m generally soft and forgiving but quite frankly when she’s telling you how terrible her life is I’d be remembering 6 year old you begging to come home. If a little girl could be left to cope a 69 year certainly can. Apply the rules she used for you to her. Enjoy your life, spend your time and money how you want. You reap what you sow.

Oh this is so true.. she broke her arm a year ago and I went over there every day for two weeks to help her shower and walk her dog.. she did say thanks but there was no offer of petrol money, or even a bit if lunch to say thanks.. she didn’t really appreciate it at all.. she said maybe we could go together to get our nails done.. when she was better she went and got her nails done by herself.. when I add up all the little things she’s done aswell as the bigger stuff I really don’t know why I bother.. i won’t be doing it again..

Love this.. you are so right 💕

I just want to thank you all for your understanding and kind words. Sometimes it is hard to know what to do that’s best, but you have all made me think about my issue with guilt and that that emotion shouldn’t hinder my life any longer. Thank you ❤️

Next time she kicks off on the phone like that (if you allow her a next time, of course) then tell her that she ruined your life, and you owe her nothing. Then you put the phone down on her.

Wow. You are such a kind person OP, to even be considering this. In much less extreme circumstances with a problematic parent, I decided to do what was best for my own wellbeing and sense of self. That was: to focus on my children, giving them the time, attention and money my parents hadn't bothered to share with me, and to give my parents a set amount of time entirely on my own terms, that I was wholly comfortable to offer.

You can do this. You can decide, for example, that you have the energy and head space to call your mum for 15 minutes once a fortnight, no more; to visit her once a year, and stay in a hotel or with friends if possible, to give you the right to arrive and leave at times that work for you. Or to meet in a neutral place - for lunch in a restaurant or cafe if she is well enough.

If you think it would help, you could, very calmly, without sounding judgemental, just state the facts. I did - just once - to my dad and it was unbelievably liberating. He was trying to manipulate me by comparing another family to ours - how doting their daughter was. I casually said, 'I guess they are a family that prioritises family whereas we've never been that close. They often had the grandchildren to stay for weekends and weeks over the summer to give the parents a break. Whereas you were very busy with your clubs and holidays, which is fine. You need to live the life you choose. I admire that. But of course it means we're not close and I too live the life I choose, as you always have. And you never prioritised me, which has left me free to feel fine about prioritising my children and my own health.

My DF was gobsmacked but he couldn't argue with facts. (Btw, this came after I had finally put a stop to spending hundreds of pounds in weekly travel taking time off work to do six-hour round trips to skivvy for them and take them to appointments that they then remembered had been cancelled, paying for them to have a cleaner and then discovering they had over a million in the bank while i was barely earning enough to pay tax at the time, partly because I took off so much bloody time to care for them! My time and money were, as far as they were concerned, entirely at their disposal. I was nothing but a free service provider who pissed them off when she stopped being a mug. So please don't get sucked down that rabbit hole.

I was also taught, on here, about grey rock, which is very helpful. And i was also really supported on here by the stately homes thread, which made me understand my parents' behaviour was not in any way normal or loving or nurturing and I didn't owe them the money, time and energy-draining devotion I was offering at the time, to zero appreciation.

good for you! That sounds like a brilliant response and one I would love to give my mum.. thing is she is such a shitty character if she doesn’t like what’s she’s hearing.. I guess she has always tried to intimidate us with her aggression when she doesn’t get the responses she likes.. hence when I questioned why she hadn’t stopped smoking and helped herself with regard to her COPD she screamed at me and hung up.. it’s always been hard saying what I really want to say… but putting distance between us will let her know how I feel..

This woman hasn't been your mother since you were a small child. She essentially abandoned you; you owe her nothing. If she hadn't given birth to you, was just a lady who lived down the road, would you be thinking you need to care for her? I think that is how you should view your current situation. Look after your own children, let her look after herself, it would seem that has been her mantra in life.

Forgive and forget?!
She can s**k my fat one!
Unbelievable. Block!!

@Kelwar I experience exactly what you say with phonecalls. I've done really well for ages, but the shock of the death of my friend meant I overshared with my mum, and it's honestly set me back, because now I have the death to deal with and also the fact that my mum didn't give me what I needed, what a normal mum would give (love and support), which made me feel even worse.

I guess we just crave that, to suddenly be listened to and cared for. The desire for it doesn't just go away even if we know it's not available. But we will NEVER get what we need and deserve from them. They are simply not able to be that person.

Which circles me back to considering no contact 😅

It's so hard. The only way to sort it is to improve the wounds left over from childhood, and therapy really is the only way to address it. Unfortunately it's also expensive but it's totally worth it.

I read the phrase "information diet" and thats exactly what I'm putting her on . .. limiting what information she gets from me. She only judges and moans and slags me off behind my back using whatever information I do give her, so it's no hardship.

The thing is though, that the rage is also just a form of manipulation and once they see it has no power over you, they try other tactics. If she starts to scream, you can calmly say: 'I won't be screamed at.' And hang up or leave the room. Do this every single time she starts to raise her voice. It works.

She’s just phoned my brother and screamed at him too.. when he mentioned that the things she says aren’t nice as I’m a sensitive person and it adds to feelings of guilt she said ‘tough shit..’ this is what I’m dealing with.. she also said that this isn’t about any of us but about her.. I actually can’t do this anymore with her.. it’s too much

What would I do? I’d prioritise my kids, my relationship and my mental health and not fall for any bullshit guilting from someone who didn’t care for me properly…

Do what is best for you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. After all, she felt no guilt towards you growing up did she.

I would go low contact. She doesn’t appreciate your efforts anyway.