Guilt about mum

[Kelwar]

Hi all. I just wanted to get some thoughts from anyone else with parents who essentially disowned them as children but now feel guilty for not wanting to be their parents carer.
I’ll give some background in a nutshell.
My parents had my brother and I when they were very young, they split when I was 5 and my brother was 7. My mum got custody of me, met an older rich man and put me in boarding school at 6 years old. First weekly boarding, but by year 6 I was a full boarder. I hated it. I cried and cried for my family.I would beg her to take me out but my cries were always met with resistance. By the time I was in year 4 ( about aged 9) my mum and step dad were leaving me at school for the odd weeekend so they could go on holiday together.
I never went on holiday and would spend 8 weeks sitting in my mums office during the summer.
My mother loved the life my step father provided, but they were both heavy drinkers and this lead to them having a very toxic sometimes violet relationship.
When I turned 18 I moved out ..i didn’t feel I had much choice..so I moved to London, I had no money and a job that just about covered my rent.. I didn’t have money for extras such as food.. I asked my mum to lend me £20 one day and she huffed and puffed at me. My brother (who lived with our dad) once asked her for £20 and she said he could have it but he’d have to get the train to her to get it.. he didn’t have the train money obviously so was unable to get the £20.
I got married and had my first child at 32, as soon as I had him, my mother and her partner sold their home in the UK and moved to France.. she was never available for helping or babysitting.. she didn’t want to do it anyway..
At 38 I had my daughter and the night I had her my mother did look after my son.. I had a terrible hemorrhage during birth and honestly thought I might die, I really wanted my husband to stay with me, but my mother asked my husband when he would be home so he felt pressured to get back so she could go home.
She then moved to Spain and called me once a fortnight.. she didn’t form particularly close bonds with her grandchildren (including my brothers 4 children) as she was never really in the country.
she was very resentful of the relationships they all had with their other grandparents though and there have been many remarks over the years to demonstrate that.
She has smoked and drank her way through her adult life and now is incredibly overweight has COPD and is basically a carer to my 86 year old step father.. she is 69 (big age gap).
They moved back to the UK about 8 years ago and now she wants me to speak to her regularly, she’s been told her COPD is at stage 3 but she continues to have the odd puff of a cigarette and has done nothing about her weight, regardless of endlessly telling me she will be addressing her health.
She is forever talking about her health and wanting sympathy and more attention from me saying things like ‘if I make it to 70, I’ll be happy!’
After the life she has given my brother and I, I am really resenting this constant feeling that I should be doing more, that she doesn’t have long left and the guilt with my conflicting emotions about how I will feel once she has gone.
I tried to go no contact a couple of times because of the past but she was bulldoze her way in to my life.
My question is, do I forgive and forget and make her last months/ years wonderful? Or do I preserve my own MH and focus on my own family and keep her at arms length like I have been doing? My head is a mess.
Doesn’t help that I am nearly 50 and menopausal myself.
What would you guys do?
TIA x

I'd block her on all platforms.
Or tell her I'd sorted a boarding school for adults for her.

I can't believe she sent you away at age 6 💕

In what way could you make her last months wonderful, I maybe would visit and speak on the phone, but I certainly wouldn’t offer any care. You feel like you should be doing more because you are a good person, but I think you know deep down that good people don’t put their DC in boarding schools year round, just so they can have a good time.

Now I’m a mum I find that bit so incredibly hard to deal with. My 11 year old recently went on her residential with her class and I missed her so much I cried when she left.. even packing her case.. she didn’t see. I just don’t understand how a mother can willingly and happily send their children away. I have huge issues with goodbyes as a result..

You owe her nothing. Your children owe her nothing. No relationship, no care. She never gave much of that to you, as a tiny six year old who had been through a family split and needed love, not a boarding school .. She is simply now reaping the effects of what she's sown in the past.

With love, you don't need anyone's permission or opinion, to go no contact with her. If it suits you, then it's fine 💕 (it can be hard, but you can choose to do it). She sounds so utterly self absorbed, please don't waste another huge tract of your life being manipulated and treated like crap by her (she might last another twenty years and then you'd really feel awful for wasting your precious life on her whims)

Or worse, you might get roped into looking after your stepdad ..No way! Not your circus, not your monkeys. Enjoy your own life and your wonderful children. Don't let her cast a shadow over their childhoods, as well as your own childhood. She simply does not deserve your time and care. Not one speck of it. See a therapist if you can afford to, it might make it easier on you.

You are so right.. that’s what I’ve been doing.. speaking to her on the phone with the odd visit. Her calls about her health are designed to make me feel bad. I don’t think she has any right to do this to me now. Last night she cried and screamed at me about how crap her life is now because I dared question her smoking with her COPD.. she hung up the phone. She did apologise by text but it still pissed me off

Thank you. I do need therapy to navigate this part 💕

Please don’t feel guilty. Realistically she is only 69 and could live a long time - albeit with bad health. You could end up spending the last third of your life looking after her. I would look into nursing homes etc and suggest those to her or contact adult social services but don’t take on responsibilities yourself. If she says she doesn’t want her husband or herself to go into a home you could bring up boarding school. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh and it is easy to say and not so easy for you to do without feeling guilty.
what does your brother say?

Have the level of contact that suits you.
Your Mum has been a terrible parent. She's been incredibly selfish her whole life. It's unrealistic to expect her to be any different now!
There's a place on MN for people with abusive parents. Lots of good advice on here- look for the Stately Homes threads.

Op I'm sorry you had to go through such a shitty time at such a young age. I wouldn't give your mum the time of day after all that has happened. Focus on your own family. You owe your mother nothing. Preserve your self and your owm mental health x 💐❤️🙏

@Kelwar You can definitely do it 💕
Each little step gets easier. Try to gradually leave it longer and longer between phone calls, and knock the visits on the head. You don't need to explain to her why, either. I learnt about the "grey rock" technique (googled it) and it's helped me massively with my own problem family members. It allows you the space and sense of control, to feel strong enough to put yourself first (and you're very justified in doing so!)

I hope it gets easier for you, you deserve happiness, not to be treated this way just because she happens to be related to you. It means nothing. We wouldn't choose friends who treated us this way, not even colleagues because they'd get punished at work for treating people that way. This thinking helps me to feel less guilty (we've often been trained to feel guilty so they can control us and get what they want) but the feeling of freedom soon overtakes those bad feelings.

My brother has a better relationship with her now and talks to her on the phone more than I do because he doesn’t want to feel guilt when she’s gone.. we are both on the same page though and she upsets him as much as she does me.. but he lives further away and can keep that distance more easily.

I'm so sorry you went all through this. I didn't want to read and run. My mum has a similar relationship with her mum. She felt exactly like you are describing. She holds onto to all the hurt of all her life, and resents her for it - understably. She literally will help her out but only on her own terms. She has said she won't let her mum move into her house when she needs a care home. Think your choice is to cut out, give your help 100% or choose when you help. I think if you help on your own terms you have to be strong.

I can do it.. I need to be stronger .. she’s so manipulative, I’ve no idea how I’m the one feeling guilt when she’s the one who has wronged me my whole life. Incredible really. Thank you for your kind words and I will read about ‘grey rock’.. 💕

Grey rock is an incredibly useful technique.
A good quote I fall back on when dealing with my own Father is ' you can be right or you can be happy ' being 'right' is explaining/justifying etc or you can do what makes you and your family happy. I have some contact with mine but refuse to see him in person. That suits me.

Your poor mum.. I think having mums like we have had helped us be better mums to our own children. I probably over compensate for my mothers wrong doings and go overboard with my two.. did you mum do the same?
there is no way my mum will live with me. .. my husband would never allow it either.. he tolerates her but because of my past he doesn’t respect or like her particularly.. I’m with your mum 100% on this 💕

I have a similar relationship with my mum and once I had kids it really opened my eyes to how unattached emotional she was. It really hurt and I was grieving for this story book mum that you hear about. I have cried and just said “why wasn’t I good enough, why didn’t my mum love me more”

It’s taken a lot of therapy to realise that she’s not going to change, she loved me the most in the way that she could. Doesn’t make it acceptable but atleast in my eyes I can put it bed it wasn’t personal or anything I did.

OP sounds like your clinging onto the story book mum, that she might change, that you might get these last few years with the mum you wanted all your life?

Realistically she isn’t going to change, I wouldn’t go no contact (I know how hard this is) but most definitely reduced. Grieve for the loss of the mum you wanted and try to accept the mum you have, mentally it makes it easier.

Or if you really feel it would be better go no contact, when the time comes that she passes you need to grieve the loss but the last few years / guilt too.

Just know you deserve love and the way she treated you wasn’t fair. You didn’t deserve that childhood and you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry she couldn’t love you in a different way.

That’s exactly how I feel too.. I’ve always hoped she might magically become the mum I craved, she said sorry for the past when I tried to go NC but she didn’t change .. I am totally chasing a dream.. I agree, if I go NC I will be the one holding the guilt when she goes and I don’t want to burden myself with that..
I’m sorry your mum wasn’t great to you too.. sounds like you have done lots of work on yourself to accept the situation which I really admire.. I must do the same if I want to move forward in life. Thanks for your kind words X

^^ I agree with @Wildflower86 if you do choose to help, get extremely strong boundaries in and never cross them, no matter how much she pushes you. A bit of distance can help build you up to stay consistent with her.

And @Georgethecat1 raises very good points...as a good person, going no contact can make you feel terrible. But the overall techniques to protect you can definitely help.

With mine, I do roughly weekly/fortnightly phonecalls. I've reduced meetings as low as it's possible (I keep vaguely promising to go over, but it's been almost a year now) BUT that's incredibly hard, my relative sulks and explodes at me and so on. And I feel crap about it still, even after therapy, I KNOW I owe her nothing, but we are so ingrained to be helpful and to "look like a normal family"... Yet even during the death of my close friend, she's still sulking with me because I was busy dealing with that 🙄

So no contact isn't always the best decision. But the mindset of putting yourself first, of talking to yourself as a little girl and comforting her, way back in time when she needed a mum, of promising yourself that your future is more solid, all of that will help you put in the distance with your mum.

Sorry forgot to add, I've purposefully become the most boring person in the world to her, phonecalls are so dry 😅 But that protects me from her explosions and her meddling.

I'm ticking the box of duty by being in touch, but saving my sanity by keeping it a lot more on my terms. Modifying her behaviour by not giving her anything to feed off. It does make it easier to bear.

I do need to do that.. I find myself over sharing things with her.. craving the relationship between mum and daughter..by over sharing I feel in some way she is getting to know me and my children.. but she doesn’t deserve it.

She honestly is the best mum I could ask for. You sound so lovely too, and I bet your children are spoilt with love and very lucky like me. My mum is definitely stronger person because of her childhood, and she can be strong with my nan because of this.
Oh I can relate to your husband too, despite me never seeing any of my Nan's behaviour I struggle to love her, I only go round when I can be bothered. I bet your children will feel the same... I would say what goes around comes around, but think my nan still has the better deal here ....I think my mum does things on her terms so she can be the better person and have no guilty conscience. It must be horrible feeling like this OP, I really do feel for u.

You owe her nothing. Focus on your own family. It is unforgiveable to send a six year old to boarding school. Enjoy being a Mum without this toxic presence in your life. No guilt necessary.

Your mums equivalent to boarding school is a nursing home. Your mum chose to put herself first every time. Every bit of emotional headspace you use fretting and feeling guilty is at yours and your kids expense, you don't get that time back. My experience is they get worse, the older and frailer, the more demanding, manipulative and spiteful.
I was low contact for years but it just leaves the door open for hurt. Grey rock is useful but is a false self which is not a healthy relationship either. I was neglected as a child but my mum fully expected me to pander to her care above my own happiness, so I went NC. My mum died while NC and I had zero guilt or sadness, just a huge relief it was over.
Selfish, self entitled, manipulative people don't change. Hope is the thief of joy. You owe her nothing.

Ah thank you. Yes, my children are very loved that’s for sure!
My children aren’t that fussed by my mum, I can see a huge difference in the relationship my daughter has with my husbands mum over mine.. it’s sad and makes my mum resentful.. especially if my daughter has stayed with my MIL, but I know my mum doesn’t want her at hers either as she’s never asked her to stay overnight.. she hasn’t even suggested a trip to the cinema together.. she has also made a million promises to mu children that never happen.. she did this to me as a child too!

I wish I had kept up the NC years ago.. while we weren’t talking I got abusive emails.. she turned up at my house once and I had to throw her out she was in total denial and kept telling me she did the best she could with what she had!! 🤦‍♀️.. she even said ‘well you were fed weren’t you?’ Neglect and abuse comes in many forms and I have to face the fact that that was my childhood. The manipulation now is a form of abuse I think.. trying to make me feel bad. If I go a week without calling her she’ll say ‘ I was wondering if anyone gives a shit about me!’ She’s quite unbelievable really.. her own mother doted on her.. she even told me that when her mother sent her on a sleep over at a young age she cried all night and her mother had to pick her up.. she seems to forget who she is telling those stories to.. the child who spent most of her young life in tears for being sent away.. it’s almost like she has forgotten.
when I told her I was really missing my daughter last week while she was on her residential, she responded ‘I bet you are’.. it’s just odd