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Elderly parents

Wits End

20 replies

Saskia22 · 27/05/2024 19:07

Good evening, looking to vent but also desperate for advice. My 79 year old mother is being made homeless tomorrow at noon by Social Services
My mum has cared for my dad for 9 years. She has 2 carers twice a day to see to do my dads personal care. Dad had an awful stroke 9 + years ago leaving him right side paralysed. Dysphagia and Dysphalgia, very stubborn, very sweary. The lovely dad I had is long gone. He verbally abuses my mum. The doctors think he has cancer but he wouldn't be able to undergo any treatment so we have been left to guess. My mum has her own struggles with her physical heath, bad hip, cold symptoms and her mental health hasn't been much better. She's been on seroxat and sleeping tablets for decades. Her marriage was mentally abusive. She can't take anymore. Told social services she can no longer cope and doesn't want him home. My dad's capacity overrules all that. He is due home tomorrow at noon. My mum is packing her bags. The social worker is some 25 yr old. Never met my dad. Totally believed his delusions. Dad said he can get his own meals ( puree diet? He hasn't been able to do a thing since 2015)Also says he has a bankcard lol yes it expired in 2015. He does not have a grasp of finances at all.

OP posts:
LizzieBennett73 · 27/05/2024 19:22

I would look out for your Mum and leave SS to deal with your Dad.

She must be at the end of a very long piece of rope to take this action.

Supersimkin2 · 27/05/2024 19:25

Take care of your mum. The system that broke her can help her once they’ve sorted out DF.

I’m so sorry for you all. 9 years is heroic. The next decade will be easier if you stand firm now. 💐

Enterthewolves · 27/05/2024 19:32

Contact the social worker tomorrow first thing - by email - copy in her manager and your MP and the Adult Safeguarding Board (Google that plus your local authority area and you will find it). Say your Mum will not be at the house tomorrow, and will not return and you are unable to help, that your Dad has Care Act eligible needs, that he cannot self care or feed himself and will be at risk of harm if he is returned home without a full assess ment and suitable care package in place and that you are raising a safeguarding concern on the basis of institutional neglect as the failure to complete an adequate assessment of your Dad as a vulnerable adult with eligible needs and your Mum as his carer will result in harm to him and to your Mum who is also a vulnerable adult. Say if the matter is not dealt with appropriately and your Dad or Mum are harmed by their failures you will be seeking legal advice. That might scare them enough to pause.

Enterthewolves · 27/05/2024 19:34

Oh and say your Dad’s aggression is making the house unsafe and unreasonable to occupy for your Mum.

Eggmoobean · 27/05/2024 19:35

Tell your mum to leave and lock up the house. If they try to return him he will not be able to get access. They will be forced to deal with it. Shocking.

Sunnnybunny72 · 27/05/2024 19:38

Move your mum out and lock the door.

Saskia22 · 27/05/2024 19:58

Wow thanks , I will certainly email these people tomorrow. Much appreciated

OP posts:
Enterthewolves · 27/05/2024 20:11

Good luck, you might want to follow up the email with a call to make sure it is read. And yes tell your Mum to go out for the day! I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

isthewashingdryyet · 27/05/2024 20:35

Where is he now?
if in hospital get on to the ward sister first thing and tell her it is a un safe discharge and there will be no one at home to look after him.

then ask for the manager of the ward

then the hospital chief nurse

then call the general manager of the hospital, there will be secretaries to these people to take your call

keep saying it is an unsafe discharge

Saskia22 · 27/05/2024 20:41

Does anybody know the legalities of denying access to dad tomorrow? Mum wants to avoid stress and she has somewhere to go for a few days. Thanks for all advice it really helps

OP posts:
Chouquettes · 27/05/2024 20:42

Is he in hospital now? If so can you say to the doctor that you think it will be unsafe to discharge him as your Mum can no longer look after him?

isthewashingdryyet · 27/05/2024 20:44

If he doesn’t have a key, and no one is there to let him in, how would then ambulance people get him in the house.
you say he has no way to pay a locksmith, so they can’t call one out.

can you warn any neighbours who have keys not to let him in, they can say they don’t have a key

can you get a proper capacity assessment carried out before he leaves where he currently is?

Chouquettes · 27/05/2024 20:52

Maybe you could call women’s aide for advice or some similar type of helpline ? Abuse is abuse even if it’s caused by illness .

Octavia64 · 27/05/2024 20:55

Legally you can't specifically deny him access.

However if your mum is not there and the house is locked up will he have a key or have any level of understanding to sort things?

I'd suggest contacting the hospital and letting them know it will be an unsafe discharge as your mum will not be there to care for him,

Chouquettes · 27/05/2024 20:56

isthewashingdryyet · 27/05/2024 20:35

Where is he now?
if in hospital get on to the ward sister first thing and tell her it is a un safe discharge and there will be no one at home to look after him.

then ask for the manager of the ward

then the hospital chief nurse

then call the general manager of the hospital, there will be secretaries to these people to take your call

keep saying it is an unsafe discharge

Agreed

Sailawaygirl · 27/05/2024 21:36

Contact social services to make a safeguarding referral for your mum ( with her consent). It sounds like she needs safeguarding from him. Definitely ask for a SW manager. But this has red flag for safeguarding all over it

Enterthewolves · 30/05/2024 09:31

I’ve been thinking of you and your Mum and Dad. I really hope things went well.

Saskia22 · 30/05/2024 13:51

Thank you so much. Tuesday was manic. I raised several safeguarding issues. And happy to say after 8hrs of stress my dad is staying in the nursing home until we have a meeting with the social worker next week. Your advice was much appreciated. At least mum's back home for now. X

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 30/05/2024 13:53

Well done OP. Hope you and DM get the results you need.

Enterthewolves · 30/05/2024 14:00

@Saskia22 I'm pleased to hear that, I can't imagine how difficult this whole situation is. Good luck with the meeting next week.

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