Long distance care of parents

[Ellena646]

Hi, so my dad (eighty but so far very good health) married a woman thirty years ago and they both moved away to be near her three sons who were consulted about this move, I was not. If anyone would have asked me, I'd have said, well maybe in-between us all might be fair? Last year my stepmother was very ill and I was the only one who showed up to help. No sign of the sons who live five minutes away at all, which really annoyed me. As they get older I can see that I will need to spend more time with them, but I don't drive. Lately, I've suggested that we all hop on a train for one direct journey, an hour each, and meet up somewhere in the middle, but this has been met with accusations that I should come to them. This for me is a cab, two trains and another cab one way, ditto back again for me and two teenagers and a dog! Am I being unreasonable?

You are not being unreasonable and it sounds as though your Dad will get no support for himself, if his wife’s sons aren’t even getting involved when she is ill.

So you want to see your dad and instead of going to him you want to meet him Half way? Is that what you're saying?

Last year my stepmother was very ill and I was the only one who showed up to help. No sign of the sons who live five minutes away at all
This was a very bad move:
1- you shouldn't have showed up to help as she is not your responsibility
2- now these blokes know that you're a soft touch who can be manipulated very very easily.
Your best bet now is to send a very clear message that you are not a carer and you will not be travelling.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for two 80 year olds not to want to get a train.

As that is the case, adjust accordingly. Maybe you can visit 3x per year instead of the 6 you would be able to do if they met you halfway.

Decide your own limits and stick yo them. What others do is outside your control.

No not really. I guess I am still upset that I wasn't involved in convos about where they should live, and worrying about how I am going to cope if he outlives her...

I was shocked when they all made excuses not to show up. I will make it clear that I won't do that again on my own.

Perhaps that’s the conversation to have? Are they prepared for the future- lpas, wills, future proofing home?

I guess I feel that as they bought a house so close to her sons and so far away from me they were giving me a very clear message about who they want to spend their time with, so in that case I don't see why I should become the sole carer...

Exactly. Make sure they are aware.

You don't have to be their carer under any circumstances, even if he's been the best dad in the world.

As a PP said, now is the time to have some difficult conversations. Ask them what their plans are for care, what they will do if one outlives the other, etc. Not a nice conversation to have to have but at least you will have a picture of what they want. Find out what their expectations are.

yes I agree about the train, although my Dad still loves going on trains I am not sure my stepmother does...

Yes, you were blindsided. It's an effective tactic!
And because you are a polite decent person you defaulted to being polite, giving them the benefit of the doubt, thinking 'surely they wouldn't deliberately abandon their mother, there must be some other reason' etc.
Her sons are a pair of shitbags who thought their mother would become your problem now OP.
I hope you can step right back & leave them to it.

They had the choice to move to wherever they want. Probably didn't even think about care.

The sons have the choice not to get involved with care.

You have the choice not to get involved in care.

A conversation about what they're planning, POA etc would be sensible. You can make it clear what you can and can't do - and please be realistic. You don't have to do anything.

Mine chose to live near friends rather than either of their children. Now they don't want to 'bother' the friends with needing lifts to the hospital etc! And want me to do it. I've directed towards patient transport...

Why are you starting from the assumption that you will be the sole carer? Is this what you are planning to do? What's your relationship like with your father, your stepmother, your step-brothers? Is your own mum still around?

Have you had any clear and frank conversations with your dad about this?

OP I got some excellent advice on here when I was faced with the elderly relative at a distance problem..

Have a think about your priorities. Mine is my child, then my DH. That requires keeping a roof over all of our heads and everyone fed, so my work is a priority too. That means I'm not available to do anything during working days. Relative is too far away to do a day trip to them, so it would need to be overnight. I'm not committing to that regularly as my child does activities at weekends and I'm the only one who can get her there.

You haven't said what the crisis with your stepmother was. It's one thing for someone to have an emergency admission to hospital and for people to hurtle over in that immediate situation - yes, I'd do that if I was able to (the time it did happen I wasn't able to!). It's quite another to commit to regular things like shopping, personal care, dealing with admin from a distance when you have other commitments and don't drive. So the support I offer is far more around signposting to things like dial-a-ride for getting to hospital appointments or online shopping.

Mine chose to live near friends rather than either of their children. Social interaction is important for mental health and staving off dementia. Few children are in a position to provide a level of social interaction that will compensate for the loss of a network of friends.

Of course, you shouldn’t be relying on DC for transport to hospitals.

I can see why ones elderly parents might choose to live nearer to their friends rather than their children. I also think they implicitly assume that their children will come running whenever summoned because they expect their children to prioritise and obey them.

These responses are very empowering, thank you all! They don't have many friends nearby; such is the pitfall of living to your eighties... nice neighbours though, who have proven to be very helpful in the past. A conversation is required because they suggested I move close to them and that is not happening. I think they see me as a push-over because when my step mother had an emergency operation ( a one-off) I did rush up to be with my dad, but was shocked that he didn't even know how to work the oven or washing machine! I agree that the step-brothers took advantage of me, and that won't be happening again! They are both still very mobile and alert, perhaps they should be joining some social groups instead of spending all their time together, lessen the blow when it comes?

My guess is that it's worthwhile attempting a conversation, but don't be surprised if he won't properly listen to you.
Actions speak louder than words . . . the reason he doesn't know how to work the cooker and the washing machine is that those are in the 'women's work' category in his mind, if you show up and do these things for him you are implicitly agreeing with him.
Next time I would say sorry you're having problems isn't it lucky that her son's live nearby etc etc.

You don't have to provide any care, nor do your stepmother's sons. Do your father and stepmother own their own home? If they do, at the very least that can be sold to pay for care, if necessary. Maybe that's what your father and stepmother envisioned, that they weren't expecting you to care for them anyway? It's a bit unreasonable for them not to travel to visit you though, so I guess given that, you will only be able to see them rarely. That's their choice, and as where they live is not within your control, it's probably best to be pragmatic about it. Have the relationship with them that's sustainable for you, and no more, you don't need to feel guilty about not doing more.

I don't have any sympathy for a man of that age who can't look after themselves. If they were 95 then maybe, but 80 isn't really that old, and plenty of men of that generation are very domesticated. My parents and in-laws are of a similar age, and all the men of that age know how to cook and wash their own clothes. If he can't do it now, it's about time he learnt, or get used to the fact he's going to need to pay someone to do it for him.