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Elderly parents

Respite advice

11 replies

Catchlock · 22/05/2024 20:08

My mother has a diagnosis of mixed matter dementia.

She lives in her own home with 4 visits from carers a day and
Me or my sibling visit everyday. (We have a rotating)
She also has hairdresser visits twice per week and a cleaner once per week.
She has a podiatrist 6 weekly and a beautician monthly.

She has zero appreciation for this excellent set up. We take her out 1-2 times per week. Quite often she refuses to go out saying she's too tired.

Recently her carers have had a reshuffle and have changed. They still come same
Frequency and same
Time but are new people. Upsetting I know. But she's really acting
Up. Refusing food and meds of some of the "softer" ladies. Refuses to wash or get dressed.

Lying on her sofa al day with a towel under her so she doesn't need to rush to the loo.

She has low control on her bladder and bowels and is unsteady on her feet using a rolator to walk.

I'm getting phone calls from the cleaner and carers all worried because she is not co operating
And is very depressed.

She has a long long history of (acting up) when things don't go her way.

I see how she must feel out of control and down with the new carers. I'm just not sure what I can do
About it. She has no appreciation for having a good set up at home. She will
Often say "just put me
In a home I'm a burden" even
Thought we try so hard to do everything she wants so she doesn't feel like a burden

Is there a respite facility available? I wonder would a week or two in a home
Help her realise her life isn't as bad as she thinks.

She's very emotionally manipulative and we are exhausted running after her and sorting
Our own lives too.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 22/05/2024 20:11

Maybe it is time to think about a home. She is only going to continue to deteriorate and a specialist home may actually give her a new lease of life as well as make everyone’s lives easier.

slaggybumbum · 22/05/2024 20:12

My mother has just gone into a lovely home having spent her life begging us not to put her into one. Very happy there ( mind you 4 months in hospital just before ). It is very expensive. Perhaps your mum might be happier. I was always most worried about loneliness with my mother.

Catchlock · 22/05/2024 20:13

I just wonder how we do that? Our social worker knows mum owns her home and
Keeps saying "she will loose her home" at this point I don't care.

How do we go about getting her a home?

OP posts:
Catchlock · 22/05/2024 20:15

slaggybumbum · 22/05/2024 20:12

My mother has just gone into a lovely home having spent her life begging us not to put her into one. Very happy there ( mind you 4 months in hospital just before ). It is very expensive. Perhaps your mum might be happier. I was always most worried about loneliness with my mother.

My mother constantly tells us she is lonely. Yes all efforts to get her socialising are refused. We got a day centre place she refused to go saying there were too many men. She wouldn't go to the craft class because she said they were a bitchy lot. She has an excuse for everything. When asked what would help she said she wanted her children to sit with her during the day.

We all work and have families. I offered her to
Come stay with me but she doesn't want that either.

I'm going mad with her at this point.

OP posts:
JennyWreny · 22/05/2024 20:19

A lot of care homes will offer respite care - probably advertised on their website. They may want her to do a minimum of weeks though - unlikely to want to take someone for just a week. I think my relative paid about £1,500 a week but there was a 3 for 2 weeks offer on!!!

Patsy7299 · 23/05/2024 09:32

This is exactly same position as me except my mum was becoming a danger and only had carers twice a day. My son and I were watching her in shifts 24/7 and working also. Contacted SW bcos I couldn’t cope and they offered me respite for £1500 a week and after that would return her to her house despite the obvious dangers and carer burnout.

She was admitted to hospital last night under an emergency AWI and hospital couldn’t believe the offer from SW as she was a danger to herself and others.

FiniteSagacity · 25/05/2024 14:17

@Patsy7299 💐
I hope you and your son can have some rest and some peace for a while knowing someone else is responsible for your mum. You’ve had a tough time for a long time.

Unfortunately I have to warn you to stay on your guard against the social workers still trying to discharge.

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 14:24

Would she agree to going into a respite home and pay for it. If she has capacity it will be her decision. You could say to her you wonder if she would like to move into a residential or extra support place, be around people, not have to worry anymore then take her to visit a few, most want a months stay and residential respite will be minimum £1k a month but any pension or attendance allowance will go towards the fee. Does she have savings to pay for a while until her house gets sold.

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 14:27

Is there power of attorney in place, does mum have capacity and is her current care set up all privately funded by her.

FiniteSagacity · 25/05/2024 14:35

@Catchlock you’ve put an amazing set up together but it’s still not enough. Solidarity.

We are looking at nursing homes for DF even though it will mean he loses his house. All his money is in the house and he needs nursing care, not that millstone.

I’m also sure the social contact will mean a happier life - the change in carers feels like losing their friends when they’re all the people they see.

Patsy7299 · 25/05/2024 16:20

FiniteSagacity · 25/05/2024 14:17

@Patsy7299 💐
I hope you and your son can have some rest and some peace for a while knowing someone else is responsible for your mum. You’ve had a tough time for a long time.

Unfortunately I have to warn you to stay on your guard against the social workers still trying to discharge.

Thank you and oh don’t worry, the docs have said under no circumstances can she be allowed to live alone again.

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