Needy parent

[PixieThePrincessRoyal]

Hi, I’ve been lurking for a while. Not sure what I’m after but I’m a bit fed up. My elderly mother is ringing me just about every day to go round to keep her company. There’s other siblings. I visit about 3 times a week. It’s like hospital visiting. Ie a captive audience. This was becoming tedious. The thing I’m annoyed about is she doesn’t seem to value my time. It’s like I have the Batphone. She rings when she wants something doing or wants a lift, or for me to go sit with her and the jobs could very easily wait until I see her.
i don’t get anything out of the ‘visits’ and I’m becoming resentful.

I dread the phone ringing.

thanks for listening.

Why do you answer/go that often?

Alcohol free beer etc is your friend here. Have a bottle at lunchtime. Then you can honestly say "sorry mum I've had a beer/preferred drink" but if it's a real emergency you can deal with it.

I go round because she pleads with me. I’ve managed to drop to 2 /3 visits/taxi rides now and tbh I’ve been ignoring calls.

im just feeling fed up

ooh alcohol on a lunch time. Cocktails sounds more up my street 😂 as in a real one.

Use the Do Not Disturb setting on your phone so you don't even know she's rung and you can choose when to receive calls.

Eventually they get the message they won't get through and stop doing it.

You can select certain numbers that can get through.

Could you take her out somewhere for lunch perhaps once a week? It might be easier doing something

You need to value your time. Either don't answer or just be very very cheery 'oh, tricky problem. Can't today Mum. I'll visit on Sunday (or whatever day). What will you do instead?'

Try telling her what days and times you will visit and don't go at other times. If she phones between,remind her when you will next visit. When you visit,take something you want to do even if it's just your knitting ,magazines/newspapers you'd like to read or fish and chips to eat. You could also go at a time there's something you want to watch on TV. Insist on watching it.

Decide what is reasonable for you and stick to it. So if it is three times a week, if she wants something outside those times, you act breezy and say you’ll do it when you see her next.

Practicr now because it’s not going to get any better as she gets older (sorry).

We set up a rota so no one person has to do it all.

Loneliness is a terrible thing.

Some good tips thank you.

loneliness is awful I agree. I think that’s why I felt obliged and I’m a nice person

i don’t want to set specific days as it’s very tieing. I’ve just retired and have lots of plans and feel annoyed I’m having to change my plans to accommodate her when that was never given to me by her when I needed support
siblings aren’t really bothered and wouldnt want a set day
she seems to have latched on to me as Ive shown a slight interest and shes come to my house for visits on a weekend (couple hours) but I decided I wasn’t going on a weekend as all siblings work and thought they could do the weekends
anyway. I’ll take on board the suggestions and see how they pan out. Thank you.

I feel your pain. It's hard to ignore calls, just in case it's the one time you're really needed. It's not just the time, it is that lack of conversation - agree it's just like hospital visiting once they become less active it's also frustrating being the sibling that does everything. I find that really frustrating and annoying too.
What I've found helps with the visits:
Take them out if she is able to go out, preferably somewhere that you need to go anyway - shopping mall or garden centre, it's a change of scenery for her and you get to browse or buy.

If going to the house, take something with you that you need to do e.g. mending or like to do eg knitting

Do something with her - jigsaw, word search other puzzles.

Arrive a a time that there's a tv programme on you both like

Engage her in a conversation around something you need to think about anyway (holiday packing/ garden design /decorating etc), take a notebook and pen and pretend you're writing down what she says whilst writing your own lists. I did this when trying to work out what to take on an road trip and my lovely Mum did actually come up with something I'd not thought of

A drive/walk out somewhere just for a coffee.

It's not easy, mine is now in a home so it's even harder. However I know she's on borrowed time so try to remind myself that I am lucky to have her.

Look at it from a different point of view. Yes, she's lonely and being lonely is grim but you don't have to be the solution to that.

The more you take calls and do more visits the more reliant she becomes on that and the less likely she is to meet up with anyone else to alleviate being lonely. And you won't ever be 'enough', it'll just grow.

Depending on how mobile she is, it sounded like she wasn't driving? She could take a taxi to a day centre, or some of them provide transport. There are umpteen groups and events for elderly people in most areas. Something like, "I'm not available this Wednesday, but I did see a poster to a coffee morning. Why don't you go to that?" type approach.

Some good advice there thank you. especially the take her somewhere, much better than sitting, listening etc
Not the tv though she doesn’t watch it and sneers at what I watch 🙄
she’s not that keen on groups, I’ve tried and won’t book taxis anywhere, she likes to be driven.
youre right about it never being enough hence the daily calls after I’ve said I’ll visit couple times a week

We are all needy in our own different ways - it is important that this does not become a derogatory term.

Your Mum needs company and you need peace - conflicting needs. But both equally valid.

I have no advice at all. As someone who was summonsed to DM's granny annex a dozen times a day for spurious reasons I have nothing but sympathy. If you are satisfied that she is not going to come to any harm where she is - ie she isn't calling because she got down on the floor and can't get up or anything like that then you can ignore her number/find an excuse to keep your phone on silent.