How to I deal with Mum who never accepts favours?

[TeaGinandFags]

The problem I have is whenever I try to help or offer something nice to Mum she'll turn it into her doing a favour for me.

For example, she's had an envelope lying around for a few days,so I asked if she'd like me to pop it through the door as it's only a few streets away. Instead of replying yes or no, her response was to ask me if I wanted to deliver it.

Not a big difference you'd think but in the past when I've offered to make ice cream after getting the knackered her reply was only if there's any spare - so she can go me the favour of taking it off my hands. As if ice cream ever went spare! When I, and on one occasion a friend, gave her eggs from the backyard chickens, she was taking unwanted eggs. I asked her to chickensit once to come home to 7 chickens in the garden and not a single egg in the house. She'd given them all to her church. The list goes on.

If I help out or give her stuff she's the one doing the favour. When I got my ex to do some work she waxed lyrical how he was so helpful, never mind the daughter who made it happen in the first place.

The result is that treats no longer arrive and favours are withdrawn. It's in my nature to take care of people but not like this. How do I deal with this?

Step back, observe it as an odd behaviour.
Raised eyebrow/laugh/eye roll/"You are funny Mum" when it occurs.

How old is she? It could be upbringing?

Mine says very similar things and it's the way she was brought up - so you didn't ask for things and you didn't put other people out. It's led to very warped approaches to making anything happen. Everything has to be her doing someone a favour or helping someone out, or very passive aggressive not asking for things but expecting other people to read her mind!

I can see how irritating that twisting of the situation would be. You have my sympathies OP.

I suppose its about how much you want to push back on it? You could start by firmly but gently correcting her; the eggs are not unwanted mum, your friend shared them with you. Or, there is enough ice cream for all of us, but if you don't want any we can use it all. None will be going spare.

I think giving the eggs to her church friends is a slightly different example, seems like she might have done that to be seen as generous to the church people, possibly telling them they were unwanted?

I have a similar example with my MiL. I'll say shall I do XYZ for you? she'll say she doesn't want to trouble me. I usually reply that I wouldnt have offered if it was a trouble. We still go round the same circle each time though!

I think i'm like your mum! 😆

I hate people doing me favours but I find it equally annoying when people don't let me do things for them - it's madness. I've looked it up before and it means that I don't like other people seeing me as weak or unable to do things for myself. So it's probably that.

Also, more specifically and I'm not saying that you are like this, but I dislike certain people in my life doing me favours I.e my In Laws, because they like to crow about how helpful they are and they tell everyone what they did to help/how much time they spent. They do it about everyone and I can't stand it. So I feel like they have a superiority complex and I have an inferiority complex and the two don't mix.

Mum's 82 but she's always been like this.

It's not as if I'm trying to get one over her. I do stuff because she's my mum, not to boast to anyone. Sometimes she'll moan about something being difficult or painful then get someone else to do it to for her. I have mentioned this to a work colleague several years ago who said that she's showing me that she doesn't need me. Then she'll berate her friend's daughter, one of four, for moving to the Isle of Harris as if she was deserting her old ma. This old lady had a tribe looking after her.

I feel particularly embittered about the disappearing eggs as she lives for that bloody church, putting it ahead of her family on occasion. Effectively she handed them about 50 eggs! I used to give them away as they were technically illegal to sell. She knew that but gave it to the cafeteria run in the church. She was suddenly best friends with the chef and started lecturing me on how to properly store the eggs and why (my homemade) jam needed to go in the fridge when she'd never done it before.

If I don't give her things she makes a fuss but when I do she's hypercritical or dismissive.

If it was anyone else doing this I'd tell them to get stuffed, but when it's your mum?

I bet it's upbringing - mine's a similar age .

Mine's always done it but I only cottoned on about twenty years ago.

Mostly I deal with it by ignoring her. We're LC anyway so I only see her a handful of times per year. I then use it to my advantage so when she's describing someone else's behaviour or being passive aggressive when wanting me to do something I ignore it as she hasn't actually asked me for anything(!) or say something like "Wasn't that kind of them!".

Mine's now got caught out a few times by social media which she isn't on but her friends are and I can see she hasn't done what she said she'd do.

MiL has always been like this too - similar age. She just wants to feel useful and hates the idea of others helping her out if she could possibly do it herself. I just treat it as a quirk :) And try to frame things in a way that means she will accept the help we are offering, rather than refusing it because of pride. Now she recognises that she does in fact need help we need to sort out how and what!

A friend’s husband is like this to the point that he can’t say “please pass the salt”- he was brought up thinking this was rude so if you wanted the salt you had to say “would you like the salt, Brian?” To which Brian replies “no, but would you like the salt?” And then you can say yes. Bonkers.

I think you either just have to accept she’s like this and play along (yes, mum, it would be a great pleasure for me to post your letter) or stop offering. She won’t change.