How to I deal with mum who never accepts favourdfavours

[TeaGinandFags]

The problem I have is whenever I try to help or offer something nice to Mum she'll turn it into her doing a favour for me.

For example, she's had an envelope lying around for a few days,so I asked if she'd like me to pop it through the door as it's only a few streets away. Instead of replying yes or no, her response was to ask me if I wanted to deliver it.

Not a big difference you'd think but in the past when I've offered to make ice cream after getting the knackered her reply was only if there's any spare - so she can go me the favour of taking it off my hands. As if ice cream ever went spare! When I, and on one occasion a friend, gave her eggs from the backyard chickens, she was taking unwanted eggs. I asked her to chickensit once to come home to 7 chickens in the garden and not a single egg in the house. She'd given them all to her church. The list goes on.

If I help out or give her stuff she's the one doing the favour. When I got my ex to do some work she waxed lyrical how he was so helpful, never mind the daughter who made it happen in the first place.The result is that treats no longer arrive and favours are withdrawn. It's in my nature to take care of people but not like this. How do I deal with it?

You’re clearly looking for some thanks and just not getting it. I know how frustrating that is so just back away for a bit - they’ll soon realise.

I am not sure I follow your post sorry.. maybe focus on people who appreciate your help but also your shouldn't provide help etc just to get a token of appreciation, but realise people so appreciate things in their own way

It’s an anxiety thing.

She’s worrying that you’re putting yourself out for her, so tries to make herself feel better by “reassuring” you that you only have to do it if “you want to” or there’s some “going spare”. She feels too guilty to accept a favour outright in case you don’t really want to do it and she’s inconveniencing you.

If you punish her for this behaviour by just stopping offering favours, she mostly likely won’t understand because in her mind she’s actually making life easier for you by giving you the chance to opt out of things every time you offer to help her.

The best thing you can do explain (nicely) to her how that behaviour is affecting you and that you’d rather she just accepted or declined your offers for help outright and that you wouldn’t offer if you weren’t happy to help. That is the only way she’ll realise that she needs to change how to reacts to your offers.

How do you deal with it?

Tbh with an older person I'd just accept that this is how they are, and how their culture is. It sounds very like my mum. Don't offer to do things unless you're happy to do them for her without direct thanks. Accept that this is how she says 'yes I'd really like you to do that, thank you.'

My parents are slightly different and now fall into the “pathetically grateful” behaviours when I do things for them. I usually have to be a bit snappy and point out that I wouldn’t be doing it if it was a problem and that yes I can afford it and will they just shut up & accept it!

We mostly now have a little dance where I do the thing, they do the “are you sure”, I give them a stern look and we are all good.

It sounds frustrating for you but like she feels she doesn’t deserve favours so has to convince herself it’s not an actual favour. Maybe if you see it as a shame she doesn’t let herself acceptance things, it might be easier to deal with the annoying lack of thanks.

Id try just going the opposite route and for eg drop off ice cream saying “we had some spare, it’d be amazing if you take it off our hands” and not looking for any thanks as you might get a better reaction or at least test the theory.

My parents do this, so if I ask if they want a drink they'll say "whatever you've got most of" or "whatever needs finishing off"
The reality is, tap water is what I've most of, but they definitely want me to make them a coffee. They think they're doing you a favour, when the reality is you just want a thank you. I don't think it's worth saying anything or raising it personally, it's annoying but it's a culture thing I suspect.

I had never been able to pin point this is what was happening but yes I can totally relate and it's always with older female relatives.
I'll always offer a hot drink when they arrive and get the answer of only if you're making one, same with asking tea or coffee - oh I'll just have what you're having.

If I don't want a hot drink I now just say yes I'm having tea but only make one.

My mum does this! She needs a lift somewhere for example. I have to end up almost begging to take her and make out there’s nothing I’d rather do in the world and she is doing me a favour by letting me take her! Or we have the dance of no, I’ll manage, then ooh are you sure??? Well, only if you feel up to it. You’ve pushed me into accepting (?) Then there’s the pathetically grateful, like making her bed up, you’ve just flown to the moon for her. My sister is better at playing the games. I would much rather she asks for help (rather than hints then refuses the favour or we get these dances) I say yes, she says thank you in a normal manner. I know it’s her upbringing but it drives me mad and makes doing anything 10x the emotional work it needs to be. She also thinks if she refuses help now, she is storing up help to be used in the future! Nope! Especially not me moving in with her or her moving in with me. Can’t happen. I would go nuts within 2 days.

I would test a deadpan or literal response on things that don’t really matter (eg giving her eggs)

Mum would you like these eggs?
If I can help you by taking them off your hands etc
Would you like them, yes or no

• any response other than yes, put them back in the cupboard

Would you like a tea or coffee?
Only if it’s no trouble/whatever you’re having/have most of
If it was troublesome I wouldn’t be offering, so just tell me what you’d like and I’ll make it
or Well I’m making it for you, so why don’t you tell me what you’d like.

Never address the question of whether the eggs are spare. That is where the trap is. If questioned later be straightforward. ‘I offered them to you, but you didn’t want them, so I will be making a frittata/ice cream with them later. ‘

I think it’s possible she doesn’t want the eggs, so this would be a good way to find out!

Depending on how you get on, you can then practise on more important things like lifts and decorating.

i do understand how annoying this is, as my MIL is a bit similar, but she reacts quite well to complete straightforwardness with a bit of humour. It is a mix of not wanting to be a problem and needing to see herself in a certain way, IMO. She is actually very good at getting what she wants, and I think is learning that people want her to be happy and to help her and so it’s okay for her to get her needs met without subterfuge!

Yeah, I think this is completely normal for women of that generation. It was literally just considered the polite response - would you never say something like "oh yes please, if it's not too much trouble".

Are you British, because if you are you should know that really this is completely standard 😂

Not just women. My male relatives do it too

I have no idea how to deal with it. If it helps mine is the same.
Asks to be taken out for shopping and a meal, comes without a purse. Tells everyone how much her daughter enjoys the treat ( twice a week I don’t).
Asks me to do some housework tells me that will get some weight off my bottom.
Asks me to go to the shop suggests I must have enjoyed the fresh air.
Decorated her house (no offer of paying for the paint or soft furnishings). Oh how I enjoyed doing some interior design (reader I did not).
And so it goes on! She is 90 now, I feel I should have set boundaries when it started forty years ago. If it is not too late maybe you should consider how you could do that.

When I got my ex to do some work she waxed lyrical how he was so helpful, never mind the daughter who made it happen in the first place

I hear you. That is fucking triple rage inducing.

What does she say when you point this out? Ask her why she does this or if she is aware? People can have massive blinkers about what they are doing, so she may be clueless. It may be important to her to feel helpful to you and she is projecting this onto you.

Fascinating behaviour.

Some people can't accept a favour because they feel beholden. So this is subtly manipulative to mean there is nothing owed.

Not sure how I would deal with it. Probably with kindness, because it is likely a learned behaviour from her parents, which might be subconscious.

I think you should stop expecting other people’s behaviour to accommodate you. This is just the way she is. It isn’t wrong. And it probably stems from poor self esteem or having been taught never to put anyone else out. My mum can be similar in that she can’t accept other people doing nice things for her as ultimately she doesn’t think she deserves it. It’s not about me so I don’t make it about me.

It's a generational thing.

I'm a carer (private care, go into people's houses and help out). So for example last week my 93 year old client wanted to go for a walk in the park. But only if I was OK with that (hell yeah, let's keep you mobile!) Then I did some shopping for my 96 year old client who was gushing at how kind and thoughtful I was... its literally my JOB (which I love BTW!) But they are PAYING me... and STILL asking "is that OK with you?"

can relate my mother in her 70s is like this. when I ask her if she wants to do anything or go anywhere it's never a yes or no answer but "if you want to" No mother it's not if I want to I'm asking if you want to come some place! ffs it drives me crazy, just give me a yes or no answer!
Same with a cup of tea it's "only if you are making one" I also get "if it's not too much trouble" "only if you can spare it" I'm bloody asking so obviously I have enough and can spare it. I bloody wish she'd just say yes or no.

I get similar from mid-80s FIL. He needs something done that he can no longer do himself. This isn't a problem. Or he wants to watch a particular TV programme, or have a sandwich, in my house. Fine. Everything comes with the suffix '...if you like'. I can check through and explain that letter from the council, if I like. DS can go up that ladder, if he likes. DH can fix the back door, if he likes. I can turn the racing on, if I like. Aaargh.
At least he's being sort of direct about it, even if he's trying to imply he's giving some sort of permission for the things he wants to happen. Doing the dance of begging to be allowed to cut his grass because it's what I want would drive me round the twist.

I have a friend who was between jobs and offered an elderly neighbour a lift to the hospital. She had intended to drive there, drop off, run some errands, get a job application done, then drive back and take her home.

She should have been more assertive but she ended up waiting with her at the hospital for several hours, then the elderly lady took her for lunch at the garden centre, then got driven home with loads of plant purchases! Friend eventually got home late afternoon, out of pocket for hospital parking, a lunch she didn't want and no job applications or errands done.

Meanwhile elderly lady was convinced
she'd done my friend the favour by providing her with something to do whilst between jobs (?!?!) and lunch out!

It’s pretty well universal that if you ask a visitor of either sex if they’d like a tea or coffee, they’ll reply “whichever you’re making”

Hmm I wonder why an 80 year old would struggle with suddenly being so reliant on others?

Has anyone told these family members they provide help because they understand it’s needed but more importantly because they love them?

I find you all diabolical 😂

isn’t it fairly common to praise the unrelated relative for the work they conducted ?

In my family every visitor would be shown said work and ‘didn’t he so such a good job’ for the next two months