How do old people die?

[ElderMagnet]

How do most old people die?
We've just lost one parent to cancer, swiftly thankfully. Hospitalised then at home for the last few weeks.
The in-laws are suddenly looking old. FIL gets a bit muddled with names and frankly smells of wee in a way that would have embarrassed him just two years ago.
MIL is holding together but snapped when hosting at Xmas and said she was never going to do that again.
Anyone got a crystal ball? What can we expect over the next few years.

How old are they? It could easily be a decade from able to but struggling to host Christmas for a large family and dying. Some people may have a fairly sudden end as in 6 to 12 months, other may decline over a slower period, very few people have a sudden death.

From sad recent experience in my own family, they stopped eating and drinking.

My father and maternal grandparents all died suddenly at home of heart attacks. Mercifully swift but a shock to those they left behind. My father was 92 and on his way to the garage to do something.

My mother's almost 94, lives independently at home on her own and I'm assuming that's what will happen - and I guess hoping as she would be extremely resistant to carers of any description.

I know it's difficult but sometimes addressing ongoing health issues can be really restorative. For example you mention your father in law smells of urine. Firstly he may not notice. Or maybe neither of them are managing with the laundry. Secondly it's often a symptom of an underlying health issue. Maybe ongoing infections or prostate issues. He might benefit from seeing a continence nurse or using discreet pads.

Best wishes.

My Mum had a stroke at 75, she never recovered and died 2 days later. My Dad had lung cancer and died aged 87, but was only ill the last three months. My Mother in Law, we think gave up when her Sister died, she stopped eating and drinking and although seemed herself when we saw her, she was 84. My Father in Law, had diabetes and contracted gangrene, he went into hospital on a Sunday, was nil by mouth as they were going to operate, 6 days later he died, they hadn’t operated. He was very much full of life, we spoke to him the afternoon before he died, he was full of joy, just waiting for his operation to be over, he was 88.

Kidney infections can present as confusion and look a lot like dementia. Really important to get that checked out.

I had an elderly family member who kept getting infections and ended up sleeping more and more and stopping eating before dying. Obviously no one can give you a timescale, even the doctors looking after my family member couldn't tell how long they'd have left.

My last elderly grandparent was fit and independent until literally the day they died. They were 93 I spoke with them one evening, was going to take them to the garden centre the next day. They went to sleep and just didn't wake up a post-mortem revealed their heart just gave out during the night. We were all devastated but I wish everyone could have the good fortune to die like that.
He had no decline at all - so I'd say if you pil are struggling - especially the urine smell, a visit to the GP might be in order. It could be symptomatic of other things.

It's a bit of a strange question really as there are so many variables and different answers.

It may also depend on the age of your family members as to whether they are likely to live a long time in poor health, or whether they may recover, or whether it's an indicator of imminent decline .

FWIW- my parents both had dementia which was a gradual decline for mum over many years but a speedy deterioration for dad which was quite horrible. Grandparents have variously had cancer, heart attack and decline following a stroke. Another family member died after a fall after refusing help in the home .

So all very different .

Sounds like your FIL needs encouragement in visiting the doctors - could be urine infection, could be start of dementia (forgetting or losing the feeling of needing to wee) or a combination of things .

Both my parents died fairly suddenly, they were unwell, my DF had an op and they found cancer he was expected to come home but died a few days later. My DM also had cancer was about to start treatment I got a call from the hospital that she had been admitted and died the next day. I don't know what's worse the shock was terrible both times, no chance to get used to them dying.

They are 87, very very independent. Always used to being the ones SIL & BIL turn to for advice/baby sitting/DIY.
We live further away so our visits are just three times a year.
It's not the most communicative family.
They won't take any suggestions well and certainly not from me as an in-law so I will almost certainly be just an observer but I might be able to prompt DH to speak up.

It is a bizarre question, I know. Having seen the medical used end for my dad, I can only wish a 'good death' for us all.

That happened to my elderly neighbour. I was chatting to her over the fence. She was lively and looking forward to a visit from her son. She went inside and fell asleep in her armchair and just never woke up again. It's not a bad way to go.

Statistically, their life expectancy is 92 (him) and 93 (her); dementia and heart disease are the leading causes of death, but still only 20% or so between them so really it could be those or lung disease or stroke or cancer. It could be fast and unexpected, or it could be a slow decline. There really is no way of knowing.

It’s hard to know dmil was very fit and active got dementia went into a care home for a few years went to hospital with an infection and swollen hands and went into heart failure and died a few days later aged 87 dm started with heart failure at least 10 years ago had a valve replacement and repaired which they said would probably only last 5 years and she’s still with us and is now 84
dbil had a sudden heart attack aged 60 and we had to switch his life support off as he was brain damaged due to the lack of oxygen

could he have a water infection or be dehydrated that can cause confusion in elderly people

Does your DH get on well with his sibling ? Ultimately it's easier for all if siblings are working together in respect of identifying where problems lie and any supportive action needed .

If they’re lucky, quietly in their sleep at 94, without even having been ill, like a friend’s DM. Or like a sister in law’s previously fairly healthy parents - both instantly - one of a heart attack, one of a stroke.

If they’re unlucky, like my DM, eventually, after 15 years of dementia, incontinence etc. at 97. And my DF, only 72, of bowel cancer.

Who on earth can tell? I never thought my poor DM would go on for so long. A stroke or heart attack 10 years previously would have been much more merciful.

Thank you everyone. DH and I are taking stock of our lives.
We need to make some decisions over the next ten years whether to chase that last career step, build that massive extension, travel, invest in a garden or move.
Part of the unknowns is our parents and what they expect and what we are prepared to do.
Naturally, I've spent longer talking about my dad's lingering demise than my Uncles's swift but emotionally brutal aneurysm. I think I am looking for reminders that it's not necessarily a drawn out affair.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER oh gosh that's my nightmare scenario with my mother (82, diagnosed 1.5 years ago) - I rather hold onto the fact that average life expectancy after a dementia diagnosis is about eight years. But given that it's an average, I can see how 15 years would be possible. That sounds horrible of me, I know, but dementia is so horrific that the prospect of watching her decline until 97 (and me being in my 70s) is not what I think any of us would want.

This is usually a big sign, plus losing interest in things that were once important to them

It’s not horrible of you at all. TBH by a certain stage of dementia (FiL also had it so I’ve seen far too much of it) I think the sooner they pop off, the better. Late stage dementia, with double incontinence and other indignities, is something I wouldn’t wish on anybody.

I should have added that DM was very unusual! 8 years in her care home - the average was probably 2-3. During her time there I saw many residents arrive, deteriorate, and quietly disappear.

She did come from a very long-lived family - her mother and 3 siblings lived into their late 80s, and the youngest is still going at 90.
Even so, we never expected that she’d go on to 97. She even survived a broken hip - often the beginning of the end - at 90 or 91. Apparently the anaesthetist who did the honours at her op said, ‘Boy, this is one tough old bird!’ (Presumably because her heart was still so strong.)

One grandparent died of cancer aged 72. Was previously fit and healthy up until then. From diagnosis to death was around a year but for much of that they were ok until the final few weeks. Other grandparent was 89 and had kidney failure. Again, was pretty fit and well and living independently up until then.

My father had MND and died in his mid-50s. DM is still going at nearly 82, but has type 2 diabetes and does not look after herself. She is very resistant to carers and I'm picking up a lot of the slack which I don't really want to do. I'm predicting a long slow decline which is something I'm not looking forward to.

My 90 year old Mum hopes she will go this way . She talks about her death as matter of fact and says she is living day to day . I've accepted that she could go at any time . It will be sad but not a shock . I think once your parents or grandparents get past 80 you kind of subconsciously accept and know what's coming.

My 89 year old grandmother died last year from a ruptured bowel.

She had rheumatoid arthritis since she was in her 20s, leaky heart valves, heart failure, she had Covid three times, pneumonia a couple of times and gall stones.

She was mentally SO strong, cared for her brothers and sisters (12 of them!) and made sure she did her sudoku and crosswords right up to the very end

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER there's nothing wrong with my mother other than dementia - she doesn't even need statins. Her mother was 93 and her brother is still going strong at 89 so I think we should plan (not least financially) for the long haul. She's already semi incontinent and almost completely immobile.

You must have been utterly exhausted by the time your mother died - it's those mental calculations you have to do every time you go on holiday or even just for a weekend, the constant nagging, is it near? This must have been overwhelming after she broke her hip.

87 year olds shouldn't be hosting christmas for their kids. the kids should be hosting for the 87 year olds.

I'm shocked that anyone has allowed a women who is nearly 90 years of age to host christmas dinner.