Mum hates me and I'm worried it's because she's unwell

[Peppermintytea]

This is really complicated but I'm going to try to explain. My mum is 75.

Mum and I have been very close for years. Going on holiday together, talking on the phone most days for an hour+. Did a lot for her. Best friends. A couple of years ago we fell out catastrophically. The issues were real and very serious. Her choices at the time were quite strange (for example, believing that someone who had confessed in writing was later telling the truth when they changed their story, supporting a convicted criminal over me) but I took her choices - however painful - at face value.

But since then the bad feeling has spiralled. I've tried to find ways forward but mum has been frankly nasty. I live over 300 miles away and travelled near her for a holiday in the hope of seeing her but she refused to see me or her grandaughter. She doesn't seem rational. She's convinced I'm nasty in total contradiction to everything she knows about me. Meanwhile, the family member who was convicted of a crime is firmly in her inner circle. It's so confusing - I feel like I've lost my mum. She's also outright accused me of things that categorically didn't happen. After sharing some nice photos of the kids and swapping friendly messages between us, hours later I suddenly got a series of nasty messages saying I'd 'called her a fake and a fraud'. I responded I never said any such thing. She said 'I kept the messages'. I said 'Ok great - screenshot me the messages and show me right now!' and she said loftily 'I don't need to. I don't tell lies. Just scroll up in your own messages'. Despite knowing I never said anything like that, I did check and of course there was no such message. About a week later she said breezily that maybe it was someone else that sent the messages and that it didn't matter anyway. This hasn't been the only time that she's lied - well I don't know if she's lying or confused. If she'd scrolled up, she'd have seen that the messages she was apparently referring to didn't exist? She then claimed maybe my sister sent them - my sister has been NC with her for over two years so she must know that's untrue. Her texts are occasionally full of grammar and spelling errors - she's usually like a grammar police type.

Mum's health isn't good aside from this. She has very poorly controlled diabetes 2, high blood pressure, a few stone overweight, joint pains. She falls asleep a lot during the day. I suspect she's also had depression for a long time (decades) as her moods have always been very erratic. Extreme lows ('I wish I was dead') and then fine a few days later. No family history of dementia.

One final complication - she's a single foster carer for a troubled (unrelated) 14 year old girl. She was placed as a baby and the situation has continued and now things are really bad between them too. I think social services are aware it's turbulent but I'm fairly sure they consider mum to be healthy enough to care for her. The child thinks of her as mum.

For all the reasons above, I'm worried about her health and the repercussions but I don't know what to do. I'm far away so I can't take her to the GP and have no real handle on her health. I can't go and see her because she hates me. I have no medical power of attorney or anything. If I write to the GP I guess they might call her in but if they say I've written, it'll be the last nail in the coffin of our relationship and I'm not sure what they can tell from an appointment anyway - plus I'll never know what comes of it. My sister is NC and my brother is the one with the criminal conviction and can't be trusted to have her best interests at heart. Do I just have to leave this situation to blow up however it does, since I'm locked out now? If you got this far - thank you for reading. I'm heartbroken. xx

I agree the 14 year old is the most vulnerable person in this situation and needs protecting. You don't have any control over what social services will do, but you do have control over what you do. They are there to support, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Everyone has a responsibility to safeguard children.

This sounds just like my mother, it was uncontrolled diabetes & borderline personality disorder, there is not much you can do tbh, I do feel for you, as I well know it is a heartbreaking situation, but she was lucid enough to make her own decisions. When my mother died, I found hidden empty bottles of whiskey too, and so many prescription drugs, that I'm sure she was taking properly. For the sake of your own sanity, you need to try to step back, I didn't and it nearly destroyed me. Your mums irrational behaviour won't change I'm afraid, she doesn't really understand what she's doing, and you can't make her see sense, please be kind to yourself, carry on getting counselling, and look after yourself. Good luck x

The accusations sound like the sort made by my exH and my MIL when they were ill.
exH had schizoaffective disorder, MIL never diagnosed as far as I know because family swept it under the carpet but she had a brother with schizophrenia.
MIL frequently accuses BIL who lives with her of hiding her passport etc and the poor guy just tries to stay out of her way. At one point she was telling everyone she was a victim of "elder abuse".

But as others have pointed out, high blood sugars may make people behave similarly. Another thing that can cause that is a UTI.

I do think for the 14 yo's sake you need to report this to social services. I know it feels like a shitty thing to do but it might be the thing that forces your Mum to get help

I mean this kindly, but it really isn’t your place to decide that it isn’t a good idea to tell social services. You really, really ought to disclose the criminal conviction to them and let them worry about what happens next.

On a separate note, I’m sorry your relationship with your mother is so strained. Some of the things you’ve said, remind me of an ex I had with a mental health crisis, not diagnosed at the time but with hindsight along the lines of paranoid schizophrenia. As PPs have said though, missed or uncontrolled illnesses can cause similar problems.

I’d be really concerned that a woman who has one child with a criminal conviction and is NC with her two other children is fostering a teen while in her 70s, it hardly sounds like she’s a suitable person to look after someone so vulnerable. I would absolutely be contacting Social Services, they’re not going to pull her out of her placement off the back of one phone call, but you have to put the vulnerable child first and give them the heads up that she might need some support. Better now than in a year or two when she’s sitting her exams.

You absolutely must tell social services about your brothers conviction.
The rest of it is for you to reflect on and decide what to do (maybe with the help of a professional therapist or similar) but you absolutely must do that. There’s no flexibility when it comes to protecting a young person.
Im sorry for what you’re going through

I agree with PP that the safety of the vulnerable 14 year old girl is paramount here. If you think that Social Services are unaware of your brother's conviction, you MUST inform them. That is the responsible thing to do. They will then be responsible for investigating and making any decisions going forward. But it would be negligent of you not to tell them. Your mother sounds like she is under the influence of your brother and I don't think there's much you can do about her decisions. Social Services will engage with her and if she seems unwell/unable to care for herself, they will hopefully intervene.

I work with people with Dementia. All these behaviours are signs. I don't know ow what you can do other than writing to her doctor and explaining the whole situation. People with early Dementia can lace trust in dodgy people. If that person is around them the majority of the time. Sorry.

Is the foster kid safe with your brother there?

I agree with previous posters. You may feel that being moved to a different foster placement would ‘destroy’ the 14yr old, but it sounds like the current situation is already impacting on her mental health and wellbeing. She has been with your Mum since she was a baby, and knows no different. That doesn’t mean she, at 14, knows what is best for her.

You completely understand what it feels like to be abandoned by your Mum, and to still want her to love you and have a relationship with her despite how she treats you. You can verbalise and speak out about how you have been treated, and your complex feelings around this.

A 14yr old still living in that environment would not be able to do so.

On top of this, and relevant convictions need to be disclosed if they impact on a foster child.

Social care need to be informed.

Your Mum’s behaviour and treatment of you is not your fault; you didn’t cause it, you don’t deserve it, and I am sorry you are going through this.

But you can protect another young woman from the same.

Hiya I'm sorry you are experiencing what you are experiencing. However, there's a vulnerable teenage child who might be living with your mother who appears slightly unhinged and has protected a criminal and not reported that to social services.... who is probably paying her a load of money to look after the vulnerable teen. You don't elaborate on your brother's crime (if I missed it sorry) but please report this. You have no idea what that young person's lived experiences are and they might be horrific and you might be the only person to help them get out of that situation.

I know you said they view your mother as a parent but so do you (because she is) and she is treating you horribly. What could she be doing to a teenager who is likely used to being treated badly. Please call social services. You can do it annonymously or report things to NSPCC and they can forward to SS.

Your mothers behaviour is outside your control but the potential safeguarding situation isnt.

This sounds similar to what a neighbour's children went through with her. Not the criminal part but saying they'd said things that they hadn't etc, to the point they always recorded conversations they had with her.
It was dementia - they also said "there's no history of dementia so it can't be that" it absolutely can be. Especially as you've mentioned her previously being the grammar police but now unable to spell correctly.
The other option is could it be the foster child/brother messaging from her phone - not wanting you to come together and resolve any issues because they think that would take attention/financial help away from them?
I personally wouldn't give up on my mum just yet I'd want to know exactly what was happening with her, if not for her but for my own sanity and for the safety of the child in her care!

Umm. Are you sure it is actually your mum writing these messages to you? Could it be someone else with access to her phone making trouble?

It was your point about the sudden changes of tone and sudden changes to bad grammar and punctuation from someone who was a grammar pedant that made me think this.

What is she like to you when you call and speak to her?

I feel very sorry for you, op. This sounds like my late MIL, also with poorly controlled diabetes (sugar addict) and undiagnosed/likely Borderline Personality Disorder. She kept accusing dp of stealing things, even phoning the police. He had no key to her house (she didn't trust us) and they were things he didn't even know existed. Dp phoned the gp with concerns, who told her and she removed him from POA as he was "trying to get her sectioned". Much later, a different gp (she'd fallen out with the previous one), told us she shouldn't have had capacity.

You've had a lot of good advice here and I understand you're very conflicted feelings.

The main thing I would add is that as far as your mum's health is concerned, I would ask the police to do a welfare check. This might be a good way of triggering social services too.

The way she treats you is very hurtful, but I agree you need to accept there's little, if anything you can do. Family members & friends who don't know the details of your fall out may be very aware of her personality & not assume that you're to blame - especially since your sister has NC.

Also, it might be worth seeing what young carers support services are local to your Foster sister, as she probably qualifies as a young carer. This would mean she has professional & peer support with other young teens who have elderly/unwell parents or guardians and could give her a healthy outlet & tools for support for managing her relationship with your mum.

Has your mum always been bit like this or just of late ?
It could well be dementia they change so quickly and can at times have a nasty tongue.
Just sending you a virtual hug must be really difficult. Try not to take her words personally as you know you haven't done anything wrong
I'd contact her gp with your concerns and maybe have a break for a while with texts or calls.
You've don'e what you can , you can't do much more tbh.

If she is a fostering a young person yet is in close contact with your brother, whom
it sounds like has committed a very serious crime and she is supporting him (especially if it’s of a sexual nature) Social services are likely to take a very dim view of this. I understand that it will destroy your mum but the welfare of the young person has to
come first. Also if there are concerns about her physical and possibly mental health she might not be meeting this child’s needs and an assessment may be required. It might not lead to the young person being removed, this will depend on the nature of your brothers crime.

Im so sorry you are going through this. I’m sad to say that unless you can somehow raise a concern through your GP, talking to SS about the situation might be your only way to get someone to look at the situation as a whole. I’m wondering if it’s a mental health issue or possibly dementia or similar.

So:.

Your mum has suddenly taken against you and makes accusations with no rationale

Your sister is NS with your mum or brother- or any family members that talk to them

Your brother has a criminal conviction, which he confessed to, that your mum is now in denial about.

No one else other than you and your mother knows about this conviction

You suspect that social services do not know about this conviction but you think they should do.

Your mother has a volatile relationship with the Foster child, who has mental health problems.

From what I read it sounds like your mother has always been unhinged and is the root cause of all these issues.

The foster child should be the priority right now- I understand your concern about her world falling apart but clearly your mum is not fit to look after her in the way she needs and is probably making her mental health far worse. Plus, if you think social services may be concerned about your brother, that's another red flag. Of course the girl won't want to leave but it would be in her best interest right now.

Why is your brother crime kept secret- I can only imagine its something that would make the extended family not want any contact with him- and if that's the case- then rightly so. More of a reason for the foster child to stay away.

Why is your sister NC with your mum and brother? I'd think about her reasons very carefully as there is probably a very good reason.

The common factor here is your mum, she is the problem. I assume that you've subconsciously overlooked and put up with her behaviour from the need to have her in your life.

I understand that you miss her terribly, however, try and think about how she has treated you & your siblings throughout your life.

If she is poorly I'm not sure there's anything you can do. I'd report everything to social care, firstly to keep foster child safe, but it may challenge your mum to come to terms with what she is doing and if not, so be it.

You absolutely must call social services op. That poor girl is at risk.

Social work is usually involved and reviews foster carers, usually if there’s any issues with physical or mh they would know but you should definitely call duty sw and express your concerns, they will do a check in or review. Also if your brothers crime is something that places the child at risk you have to inform sw. It’s everyone’s responsibility to keep children safe from harm

I agree with all the concerns expressed about the foster child, have you considered that the foster child is basically a cash flow stream for your DM and DB? I think you need to tell SS what you know.

Walk away.

Inform Social Services, they, your Mum and you all have a duty of care to this child.

Your Mum has made her choice / decision.

and now you realise why your sister has made her decision too.