Mum hates me and I'm worried it's because she's unwell

[Peppermintytea]

This is really complicated but I'm going to try to explain. My mum is 75.

Mum and I have been very close for years. Going on holiday together, talking on the phone most days for an hour+. Did a lot for her. Best friends. A couple of years ago we fell out catastrophically. The issues were real and very serious. Her choices at the time were quite strange (for example, believing that someone who had confessed in writing was later telling the truth when they changed their story, supporting a convicted criminal over me) but I took her choices - however painful - at face value.

But since then the bad feeling has spiralled. I've tried to find ways forward but mum has been frankly nasty. I live over 300 miles away and travelled near her for a holiday in the hope of seeing her but she refused to see me or her grandaughter. She doesn't seem rational. She's convinced I'm nasty in total contradiction to everything she knows about me. Meanwhile, the family member who was convicted of a crime is firmly in her inner circle. It's so confusing - I feel like I've lost my mum. She's also outright accused me of things that categorically didn't happen. After sharing some nice photos of the kids and swapping friendly messages between us, hours later I suddenly got a series of nasty messages saying I'd 'called her a fake and a fraud'. I responded I never said any such thing. She said 'I kept the messages'. I said 'Ok great - screenshot me the messages and show me right now!' and she said loftily 'I don't need to. I don't tell lies. Just scroll up in your own messages'. Despite knowing I never said anything like that, I did check and of course there was no such message. About a week later she said breezily that maybe it was someone else that sent the messages and that it didn't matter anyway. This hasn't been the only time that she's lied - well I don't know if she's lying or confused. If she'd scrolled up, she'd have seen that the messages she was apparently referring to didn't exist? She then claimed maybe my sister sent them - my sister has been NC with her for over two years so she must know that's untrue. Her texts are occasionally full of grammar and spelling errors - she's usually like a grammar police type.

Mum's health isn't good aside from this. She has very poorly controlled diabetes 2, high blood pressure, a few stone overweight, joint pains. She falls asleep a lot during the day. I suspect she's also had depression for a long time (decades) as her moods have always been very erratic. Extreme lows ('I wish I was dead') and then fine a few days later. No family history of dementia.

One final complication - she's a single foster carer for a troubled (unrelated) 14 year old girl. She was placed as a baby and the situation has continued and now things are really bad between them too. I think social services are aware it's turbulent but I'm fairly sure they consider mum to be healthy enough to care for her. The child thinks of her as mum.

For all the reasons above, I'm worried about her health and the repercussions but I don't know what to do. I'm far away so I can't take her to the GP and have no real handle on her health. I can't go and see her because she hates me. I have no medical power of attorney or anything. If I write to the GP I guess they might call her in but if they say I've written, it'll be the last nail in the coffin of our relationship and I'm not sure what they can tell from an appointment anyway - plus I'll never know what comes of it. My sister is NC and my brother is the one with the criminal conviction and can't be trusted to have her best interests at heart. Do I just have to leave this situation to blow up however it does, since I'm locked out now? If you got this far - thank you for reading. I'm heartbroken. xx

Are social services away of the closer relationship she has with your brother? Are they likely to consider him a risk to the foster child? I think I’d be discussing the concerns with the social worker in confidence.

It sounds harsh, but I’d leave the whole shit show alone and get on with your life without that carnage.

I don't know what they know. My suspicion is that they should have been notified about his conviction and haven't been. It's complicated because if they remove the child, I think it'll destroy her. I am so scared of being the catalyst for that.

Thank you for reading and for that perspective. I miss my mum so much. I also don't know what happens if she starts getting really poorly. She's already fallen over a few times. At what point will anyone do anything or call me? Ever?

But realistically I don't see any clear way I can improve the situation for her, or for anyone.

Unfortunately, when someone decides to take a 'dislike' to you there really isn't much you can do about it, even if that someone is your mother. I suppose it's quite possible that she is in the first stages of dementia, but living so far there's really no way for you to do anything about that. You can't take her to the doctor or observe her day to day behaviour. You could write her GP with your concerns but if they call her in and she can pass a simple test she'll be sent on her way. And if they happen to say 'someone raised some concerns' I'm sure she'll blame it on you since you seem to be her 'object of hate' for lack of a better term.

You say your DSis is NC (I assume NC with you, not your mum), so I don't know if there is any way you could approach her with your concerns or if she's part and parcel of the situation that created the rift between you and your mum.

As far as the foster child, if you believe SS should get involved, call them. We're talking about the welfare of a vulnerable teen.

I really think the best thing for you to do is take a step back and evaluate the impact your interactions with your mum have on your own well being. See a counselor if you feel it would help. Then make a decision as to whether or not you need to step completely away (NC) or go LC and 'grey rock' in your interactions.

It's a bitch and it's so painful. But sometimes people we love simply do things we can't or shouldn't tolerate. And there's nothing wrong with putting your own wellbeing first.

Thank you this has made me cry. Thank you for your compassion. This situation has really broken me. And I feel like I'm an idiot that I'm over here worried sick about her health in spite of how she's been towards me.

Sister is NC with mum not me. Mum and sister have a troubled relationship.

@Peppermintytea

I also don't know what happens if she starts getting really poorly. She's already fallen over a few times. At what point will anyone do anything or call me? Ever?

My assumption is that she has a more 'positive' relationship with your brother and your sister. So if she starts getting really poorly, she'll have to rely on them, won't she, since she's cut you out in a manner of speaking.

Will they call you? Probably not if you aren't on speaking terms. But since you live 300 miles away (and that's NOT a criticism) you wouldn't be able to provide any 'physical' support anyway.

The fact of the matter is that your mother too the 'wrong side' in a situation involving a crime. And she's turned nasty because you kept to your convictions. You were right and she was wrong. She may have to 'reap the whirlwind' on that one. But sounds to me as if you've done nothing wrong.

@Peppermintytea

X post. I see your DSis is NC with mum. If you think it wise, it may do you good to have a chat with her. You may find that the two of you have common ground now, if you didn't before.

And if your DSis is local to your mum, I'm sure she'll hear any news and pass it on.

Edit: <said with a stern face and pursed lips> You are NOT an idiot!! You are a human being who is in pain. And you are a daughter who has been, in essence, 'abandoned' by someone who is supposed to be our mainstay. Of course you're hurting and confused! Talking to someone, your sister, a friend, a counselor can help. Sometimes we have to take these things out into the 'light of day' by saying them out loud where we know we are 'heard'.

That's so tough - the fact that she has issues with your sister that are so severe that she has gone NC, and now with you, speaks volumes. Sadly I don't think there is anything you can do, given that she won't even see you. You need to put yourself first. Are you in contact with your sister?

I'm in contact with my sister, yes. She has no contact with mum or brother or any family members with links to them so won't get any news. If mum died she wouldn't know. You're right about mum's relationships with other people perhaps being telling. I never thought it would be me but that was clearly naive! Mum was very reliant on me though in terms of life admin. I do wonder how she's coping sometimes. Brother doesn't have a great relationship with mum either but relies on her financially. I think he might let me know if she was actually in hospital or something? Ditto I have some contact with the fostered teen so she'd probably tell me. I guess that's the best I can hope for. Mum has hidden brother's crime from everyone (only her and I know about it) so all my relatives and her friends just assume I've done something wrong to upset mum and am the one in the wrong. I don't want to tell them all the truth and expose what mum has been hiding and have them think less of her. Stupid of me.

I think you're all right that I need to step back. I actually did have some counselling and that's kinda what she kept telling me. But I keep just wanting my mum back. It's hard grieving someone who is still physically present in the world, and I can't stop worrying about her because I didn't stop loving her even though she seems to have stopped loving me.

Thank you for your edit and kind words that made me cry a bit more haha. You've been really wonderful tonight with your kind, compassionate words. Thank you for being there. xx

Your last sentence is basically the bottom line - there isn’t a lot you can do. Bitter bitter experience here. Not of any falling out, but of hideous difficulties looking after FIL from more than 100 miles away.

I emailed the GP. They couldn’t have given less of a shit. Didn’t reply and didn’t do anything. I imagine GPs receive emails like this every day. Only in FIL’s case, he lived literally next door to the GP surgery. I don’t really recommend it. For an authority to take any sort of action, the place would have to be hoarded up to the ceiling and be a fire hazard. Or something like that. Authorities have no resources and staff and they will avoid doing anything unless they absolutely have to.

Also when people get to a certain stage, they start making decisions that aren’t in their own best interests. But they have capacity. So you can’t change the decision.

that’s why I think leave it all alone. Ultimately bad decisions can and do lead to death. But if they have capacity, or even if services think they have capacity, there’s nothing that can be done.

im not cold hard cow, although it may have sounded that way.

You don't sound cold or hard at all. I'm sorry you went through this. It's really useful to know as I keep wracking my brains for what I should be doing and hating the thought that she's just getting sick and nobody is noticing or caring. But I know she'd be EXTREMELY angry if I suggested dementia (or if a doctor did) and I can't imagine a doctor being able to diagnose her from a walk in visit. Her depression/mood disorder has been un-noticed for decades so I know she can mask. What you said about people making decisions that aren't in their best interests but that doesn't mean they lack capacity is really insightful and worth me thinking about, thank you. I think I've been too black and white - thinking there are two options, either 'the mum that I knew' or 'a mum with dementia' but maybe there's a huge grey area in the middle where she's just getting older, changing, making harmful, hurtful decisions and that can't be medicated or helped or changed. Devastating really. For her 70th I took her to Venice for a surprise holiday. I hope I enjoyed those times enough because I didn't expect it to be gone so soon.

@Peppermintytea

Hey, you're welcome. I'm glad if my words have been of some comfort. Someday your lived experience will allow you to 'pay it forward' for someone else who is hurting. That's our common humanity.

Mum has hidden brother's crime from everyone (only her and I know about it) so all my relatives and her friends just assume I've done something wrong to upset mum and am the one in the wrong. I don't want to tell them all the truth and expose what mum has been hiding and have them think less of her. Stupid of me.

You aren't stupid either <another stern look> You did then what felt right to you. As the wise Dr Maya Angelou said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". I'm not saying to rush out and 'tell all' about your brother to all and sundry. But, in the off chance that someday something is said to you about your own 'supposed' behaviour, there is no reason you can't set the record straight, calmly and factually. You don't need to 'protect' your mother's reputation at the expense of your own. Chances are that that 'someday' will never come, but remember that if it does, you have the right to speak your truth.

And speaking our truth is no small thing, many people are never brave enough to do it. It took me 50 years to realize that.

Your mother sounds more as if she had a disordered personality rather than dementia imo.
Social care fostering team would treat it very very seriously if it was ever found out that she had not disclosed a serious crime of a near relative
Sorry none of that is probably helpful to you and I do really feel for you
The strains of caring for a teenager in the care system can be really immense ( I couldn't possibly have still done it in my 70's) and it may well be that the child needs moved to a new placement now

I'm really worried about the foster child actually.

A teenager living with a woman with problems in her mid 70s is never going to be ideal.

Do you think the child wants to stay with your mum? What kind of problems are there for the child in staying?

What was your brother in prison for? is he any danger to the girl?

I'll just highlight the diabetes. I knew when MIL's blood sugar was sky high because she talked a load of rubbish. Total fabrications, things that could not possibly be true involving royalty or day trips to New Zealand. On another occasion she would be perfectly rational. That could be the root of the accusations of things that didn't happen.

The relationship is very volatile between child and mum now. Child (in my opinion) has severe mental health issues. Unsurprisingly. Child 100% wants to stay though. Mum is all she knows. If she were moved now, it would be no different, in many ways, to any other 14 year old getting forcibly taken away from their family. I don't want to destroy someone's life like that - I can't imagine how horrifying it would be for her if they tried to take her away (and I say that as someone who doesn't want her to be there and doesn't think social services should ever have put her in that placement or left her there this long).

Thank you that's really interesting. A neighbour of ours had what seemed like a serious mental health breakdown a few years ago - like she'd completely lost her mind (for want of a better phrase) and it turned out to be uncontrolled diabetes. Mum is on meds but she eats a hell of a lot of sugary food and basically doesn't test her sugars if she knows she's been 'bad'.

I love the quote - thank you.

I do sometimes fantasise about just telling everyone the truth. Or at least one person coming to me and saying 'look we know you so whatever your mum is saying about you just can't be true - what's really gone on?' The fact they are so quick to just assume I'm in the wrong after years of being really good to her is very hurtful too. The unfairness of it all stings a lot, aside from the worry I feel about her.

@Peppermintytea

I hear you about people jumping to conclusions. But I've realized that there are people who seem to accept the first person to 'get to them' in situations like these as the one telling the truth. And then it's an uphill battle for the person who comes after and tries to tell the actual real truth. Often, they just can't be convinced.

Another spiffy little saying though; "Them that mind don't matter and them that matter don't mind". In situations like this you do find out who your real friends/relatives are. And although it can be painful, that's knowledge worth having. We can use that knowledge to build our true 'family' out of the people who truly love us.

I think your mum probably has an undiagnosed health condition. And relations seem very damaged. I think you have nothing to loose by being completely honest with her. Write a letter, so she can read it and not dismiss it so easily. Although she might not take it board now, she may do at a later date. Hopefully she will keep it and reflect on it at different times. Even if she doesn't; you tried.

Re: the foster child. Your mum is a fully grown adult. Although the girl is a teen she is in need of your protection. I think if you feel she is at risk even if it's just psychological and emotional (this can actually be more damaging); you need to intervene and be completely honest with social services. I think if it's as bad as you say...imagine living with her. I'd maybe consider contacting the GP too if your mum is unstable. Although I am unsure what they could do though without her willingness to engage until it got to a severe level.

If you do the above (if necessary...its difficult to advise completely based on a written one sided story); I think even though your relationship maybe further damaged; you can sleep better at night knowing you did what you can and shone a light on the situation. I think you can then step back and concentrate on your own life knowing that you did what was in your power to do. And I would draw a line under it. If I were in your shoes I would then consider my work done and be able to move on with sadness, but some peace. I think for yours and your family well being you need to step away. Be in wings though when the time is right....I think your mum will need you again in the future. I feel she maybe in the mild to moderate stages of Dementia, but it could be mental health...it's hard to tell from a narrative and it can be hard to tell the difference in the earlier stages. Good luck OP ❤️

Contact Social services initially about the Foster child care issue and tell them what you've said here. They will be able to signpost to other services that she probably needs and at least advise. Age uk also have alot of services that might help, you can ring for a chat about the situation and they may have some suggestions. Your mum sounds strong minded but everyone becomes more vulnerable as they get older.

It’s unusual to go NC with one daughter, let alone two.

Sounds like your mum has a problem - maybe psychological like Borderline Personality Disorder or maybe she is a secret drinker.

Something is making her behave in an irrational way.

The most important person in this story is the 14 year old. If brother is living with mum then social services need to know incase she is at risk.