Elderly DM eating complete crap

[Donm999]

So fed up with the ongoing and repetitive medical dramas caused by DM’s appalling diet.

DM is late 70s. Type 2 diabetic. History of digestive issues (has diviticulitis). Has honestly never eaten well (as in from when I was a child) but these days it’s ridiculous. Fairly sure she exists on a diet of coffee, biscuits, cake, crisps etc. Anything that she doesn’t have to make and tastes nice.

Lo and behold, she has called me to say she is awaiting an ambulance as stomach pain, can’t go to the toilet etc. This is probably the 5th time of similar in the last year. She has been prescribed medication to keep things moving, but also won’t take the full dose as she doesn’t like taking it.

AIBU to be fed up with this?! If she won’t eat properly, there has to be an element of personal responsibility, surely?!

Before anyone suggests - I’ve tried various things - meals on wheels lasted 2 days before she said she didn’t like them. Have stocked up her freezer with ready meals etc but she can’t be bothered to eat properly/decides they upset her stomach (more likely lack of proper food or a single vegetable doing that!). She has carers in once per day so has capacity to have a meal then…but 9/10 times tells them she’s not hungry.

Yeah. My mid-80s mother eats mainly biscuits these days, but given her general frailty and state of health then I don’t care. She’s eating something, and the fact that a piece of fruit or veg hasn’t passed her lips for a couple of years now isn’t going to make any difference whatsoever to her long term health outcome. The time to eat well to improve health was 20 years ago not now.

I’d focus on addressing the constipation in the context that your mums diet won’t change. DM has senna tablets prescribed which seem to help. She hates the Movicol type drinks and will only have one if I or a carer stand over her and make her drink it! Might also be worth a review of any advice or medication your mum is on for her diverticulitis to see if it’s still appropriate?

My mother was the same, I tried to go at least once a week to cook her a meal, she would eat about 2 forkfuls then say she couldn't eat any more. Again diabetic, eating loads of sweets and biscuits; I took her to an appointment with diabetic nurse, and couldn't believe the lies she told him. After that, I decided nothing anyone could do or say wouldn't make any difference, so took a step back. I was much less stressed.

*would make any difference.

I agree with @Hadalifeonce and @funnelfan . Do yourself a favour and take a step back. My dad is 91, eats nothing but ready meals and cake, icecream, jam sandwiches. He won't buy any vegetables or salad and the sum total of his fruit consumption is 2 bananas a week. Also has T2 diabetes. I have tried to encourage better eating over the last few years when I have been taking him shopping, but to no avail.
I take the view that suddenly eating a much healthier diet now is not really going to make any difference to his life and I have bigger hills to die on.

I think this is really common, especially if they're not living in a care home. I did shopping for several over-90s in the first lockdown and their weekly shopping was very similar!

I think it's all easy to eat, no prep involved food.

Let her eat what she likes it probably won't make much difference now. Let her enjoy her later years.

All the old ladies at my mum's care home when she was alive were like this, including my mum, and never a green leaf passed her lips, but as they were all in their 80s and beyond, they were left to eat what they wanted (though it's obviously different if it's making your mum sick.)

We were advised to make up the laxido with packet jelly as it was more palatable that way. Works a treat.

Towards the end of her life my mum mostly ate chocolate, biscuits, mousse.

If someone has reached this stage of life on a crap diet then to be honest I would just let them get on with it. It’s hard if it’s causing stomach issues but it may be that due to her bowel issues that would happen anyway. There’s really not much you can do.

Step back if you can. She is making choices and has to deal with the consequences. The time for healthy change was a while back really.

Let her be.

Good for your mum. She may not make old bones. That's her choice.

Let her eat what she wants.

Taste buds change as you age, and people want high sugar and high salt foods - it's really common. The body also processes food a lot slower, chewing is harder and meals can be too much for the digestive system. My Dad really struggled with his teeth in his last few years.

Focus on the laxatives - can you get the carer to do her meds?

You’ve tried, she won’t help herself, so I’d just leave her to it. She lives on rubbish so can deal with the consequences.

Up to a point
OP says an ambulance has been called. That's a major issue.

It's very difficult, I agree in principle but when the reality is being that ill that an ambulance is coming out...I just hope this makes her realise OP.

Mum is careful but I did have a lot of issues with the "don't like taking meds".

It got to her being unable to eat anything really before she realised she has to take all her stomach meds.

She didn't eat badly though, it's just her system can't cope with much now. Ironically she stayed slim eating a lot of sugar but had to give up the treats as they seem to upset her stomach (though everything upsets her stomach now).

with the full meds, she can have ice cream or biscuits a couple of times a week.

"Making old bones" isn't the point, she's 85, but the problem is when they use resources for no reason. She bothered the doctor endlessly saying the meds didn't work when she wasn't taking them and then she'd call me up in tears from the pain.

Just let her get on with it . I did my 90 yo MIL shopping with her last week and she bought literally nothing except biscuits , bread and cheese spread .

I think being in your 80s is old bones enough....

My mum is 81 and pre-diabetic. She lives off the ready meals dad cooks her and then eats lots of chocolate biscuits, magnum ice creams and crisps. She drinks sugary lattes and other crappy drinks.

But she has Alzheimer’s, is bent over in pain with osteoporosis and was last month diagnosed with breast cancer. She tells me every day she wants to die, so who am I to deny her a few slivers of joy in her bleak last few years?

It’s hard to see a parent not taking care of themselves but little you can do about it.

I'm in the same position with my mum who eats a lot of ready meals/ processed foods plus cakes and biscuits. She also has diverticulitis and stage 4 chronic kidney disease but lies about taking her gastro tablets which she's supposed to take twice a day to stop stomach ulcers and reduce reflux symptoms.

Honestly I've just had to take a step back and leave her to it because nothing I say makes a difference. She refuses to take any responsibility for her health and I'm left to pick up the pieces by having to take her to hospital appointments. I've lost count of the endoscopies I've taken her to.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do to make your mum eat healthier but it doesn't make it any easier to witness.

My DM is the same in her early 70's. She and her entire family are diabetic. Her brothers have even worse problems caused by their diabetes ( renal failure/ amputations) so she probably thinks she's doing OK. We have tried to get her not to eat rubbish, or at least try not to eat so many cakes and biscuits but she just ignores us. My brother lives closer and is also diabetic. He is on a low carb diet and tells her to do this and that and she gets angry with him. She just ignores me as if I've not even said anything to her. I was going to tell her that I'll just order her shopping for her but she has a freezer full of food that she doesnt eat. It's not the food its the buying packets and packets of biscuits. I've decided to just leave her to it, but it's not just the ' let her eat what she likes it's her business if she doesn't want to live to 90' its the risk of living with poor health and disabilities which will make her miserable but she doesn't seem to wany to avoid by not eating biscuits!

I would be tempted to give her some blunt talking about this and the negative impact it’s having on her health. Plus not drop everything and go running when her choices mean an ambulance needs to be called for it. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions

She's in her late 70s. Let her eat what she wants.

Thanks for all the replies. At least it sounds like I’m not alone!

I have stepped back massively - nothing I do or say makes any lasting difference, causes conflict that leads nowhere. However, it’s still really frustrating.

I will continue to leave her to it - doesn’t sound like there’s anything else I can try I haven’t already.