86 year old Mother rapid decline in health

[fortifiedwithtea]

On Good Friday my mother had a small stroke. It has affected her balance and she has double vision.

Her vision wasn’t good before, glaucoma. And she is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids.

since coming out of hospital I have been splitting my time between her home and mine. I am also disabled and have an adult child with intellectual disabilities and suffers severe mental health issues. I claim carers allowance for my daughter and she has PIP at the highest rate.

frustratingly mother has refused to have carers. Is very resistant to physio therapy, OT and mobility aids.

since being out of hospital my mother has been very unwell. Contracted an infection whilst in hospital . Been treated with antibiotics that have not worked and is now booked in for a chest x-ray tomorrow. Her doctor rang me as he gathered Mum hadn’t understood everything he said to her today ( not wearing hearing aids). He told me Mum has heart failure and put her on water tablets.

This latest news has had me pretty much paralysed with depression this afternoon. I want to go back to my Mum’s and accompany her in the taxi to the hospital for the x-ray but I have commitments at my own home too. I am an only child. There is nobody else that can help tomorrow.

we have had some frank talks about funeral arrangements when the time comes. Mum has also suggested I should have power of attorney. So we can speak openly to each other.

I just feel so sad.

frustratingly mother has refused to have carers. Is very resistant to physio therapy, OT and mobility aids.

Why, why, why? Surely she understands that refusing carers means she’s more likely to have an accident or not eat properly at home? And refusing physiotherapy, OT and mobility aids means she won’t recover the capabilities she had before the stroke.

I’ve known people regain most of their physical and cognitive abilities after a major stroke - because they took all possible help (even where it was intrusive, annoying, humiliating, effortful). It meant they had another decade and a half at least of a really good quality of life afterwards.

But from what you say it’s quite likely your mother might be sent for rehab at some point soon, if she’s hospitalised for the heart condition.

In the meantime I’m afraid you need to talk to her medical team and make it clear that you are unable to look after her - and she cannot look after herself.

For your own health and wellbeing you need to start becoming more firm. I know - its very difficult but when daft decisions are made witth consequences to YOU things do need to change.

POA isnt quick to organise. I believe its taking about 20 weeks to approve and that is after you fill in all the forms and get the relevant signatures.

Someone yesterday said something along of the lines of:

1. Do I need to undertake the task
2. Will the result be better if I do it?

The elderly parent will almost always want you to do everything. There are so many friends and people on these sorts of threads who often tell such shocking stories about parents lying, putting on a performance or becoming secretive as to what they are doing to ensure they get things done the way THEY want. I know it sounds harsh but I had years of this and after a while had to have firm boundaries in place. I have very good friend who is being run ragged by a parent but she hasnt got to a point where she thinks someone else can do some of the work. Her parent wants HER to do it, HER to do her shopping, HER to take her to medical appointments, HER to visit her in hospital, HER to sort out her finances.

It is so so diffciult and the guilt is awful. Be like a man though. They dont seem to look at things us females do.

Had more talks with Mum. I think sometimes she forgets what she’s said and what’s she been told. As now she tells me she does know there is something wrong with her heart. She had tests in hospital and is waiting for a cardio outpatient apt for more tests. I have suggested that maybe the extreme fatigue, shortness of breath and bring up white stuff is down to her heart rather than a chest infection.

I asked her how she sleeps at night. Terrible apparently, can not lay flat. I asked her to mention that to OT as maybe they could provide blocks to raise the bed head. She rejected that idea in case they bring her a medical bed. Offered to see if we have any wood my husband could do a DIY block. No because any wood we may have spare will have insects in it.

Not listening to my point , that if she could get some decent rest at night that would help with the daytime fatigue.

Very much you can lead a horse to water etc…..

Hi OP

Sorry you are going through this at the moment. Currently have my MIL who is 83 and a half, has two types of cancer, not mobile without help living with us since Dec.

We do now have a profile bed (medical) which goes up and down head & feet sections can be adjusted. However, before we had this we used an
an adjustable back rest to elevate my MIL’s head so she could drink and eat in bed. The one we used was a NRS Healthcare L98229 Healthcare Adjustable Angle Back Rest, Blue from Amazon, but if you look at NRS on-line you will see it there.