Next steps/ what can we do?

[SockFluffInTheBath]

PIL are in their 80s and live next door. FIL has health issues that are minor when contained (district nurse sorts it most of the time) and he sits on his fat lazy backside because a man should be served. MIL has dementia, recently become doubly incontinent (has no awareness of this) and his response is to go into another room to get away from the smell. We’ve been going to check in her more often, got the nappy pants etc She fell off a chair this morning and hit her head on the table leg. FIL called us and DH went over. FIL was in another room shouting through his orders. DH sorted MIL and stayed a while.

They have a carer twice a week for a couple of hours but he won’t agree to more and we can’t do more. BIL comes once a week on a day and time that suits him, flimsies round and buggers off again. He’d love to do more 🙄 but there’s always an excuse, like there would be no one to feed the cat on time, and we’re next door so he has that luxury.

DH and BIL have poa set up but not activated. BIL is very resistive to rocking the boat. I’ve been reading stuff online but I’m so angry on MIL’s behalf that I can’t take it in. Any advice gratefully received.

Look into attendance allowance for MIL if not done already, she should get the higher rate. Also they probably need more care...

Thank you, they definitely need more care! FIL is cagey about the attendance allowance other than saying they get it. Im pretty sure it goes to BIL.

DH needs to tell FIL in no uncertain terms that either he changes the nappy pants for MIL or get a carer who can do this.
Incontinence is pretty hard work and needs regular care so he needs to agree to do it or agree who is doing it. If left it will create other issues for MIL.
If FIL is still not keen then DH may need to consider a care home who are better able to manage this for her

Contact adult services for an assessment of MIL needs. Do you think maybe it’s time for her to move into a care home? Even if FIL was wanting to do it, caring for someone when you’re your 80s isn’t always practical.

It won't be long before someone puts in a safeguarding referral for MIL at this rate - she's at risk of harm from FIL neglect.

Contact adult services for an assessment of MIL needs

Yes, this. And make sure you’re present when the social worker comes to do the assessment so your FIL can’t tell lies about the care MIL needs or how much he does (i.e. sod all). She could have a carer coming in 3-4 times a day to change her pads, help with cleaning herself up etc.

You husband doesn’t need POA nor anyone’s permission to phone social services via your local council and get the process started.

Don’t be afraid to be assertive. At mum’s assessment she lied through her teeth from start to finish and I calmly corrected every single lie. She was cross with me, but the social workers are used to it and mum’s talked her into accepting the care visits.

Thanks everyone, sorry to disappear but you know how life gets. We’ve been over every couple of hours to make sure she’s clean and well. DH read FIL the riot act yesterday after I lost the plot and threatened to report it as neglect, and he’s been in touch with the carer to up the visits to mon-fri 3-4 hrs per day. I think residential isn’t too distant but will look into getting an assessment tomorrow. It’s absolutely bloody heartbreaking seeing her like this.

Assessment request is in, waiting on a date. Got confirmation of Alzheimer’s (if it makes any difference over the broader dementia label) presumably from the GP assessment and CT scan, and the incontinence is ticking extra boxes so should be able to get more support. FIL is refusing to have respite conversations so we’re a few steps off the residential conversation, but one day it will be out of our hands.

Assessment this afternoon went well, we were lucky and got someone decent. MIL to get daily visits, day care, respite, with a view to residential quite soon as the Alzheimer’s is deteriorating rapidly now. FIL also assessed as needing support but lower priority. MIL kept asking DH who he was though so he’s quite upset. Lots of positives but a difficult afternoon.

That sounds positive OP other than the rapid decline. Am glad the support is being put in place

She may have a uti at present which can cause extra dementia symptoms (she absolutely has dementia but a very rapid change may be a uti)

Faeces transferring to the urethra can cause this.

@SheilaFentiman that’s a good shout, thank you.

Ah, thanks for updating. Yes, it’s tough but you’re doing the right thing 💐

Have you got those POAs registered yet?

Sorry not sure of the correct terminology, they were filed a few years ago but DH and BIL haven’t enacted them yet because, well I don’t know other than they’re trying to not upset FIL. DH threatened to enact them if FIL tried to block the care assessment or its outcomes, which sounds awful I know. Medical staff seem content that FIL is capable of making decisions, he just needs watching to make sure he’s deciding in MIL’s best interests rather than what he wants.