Buying a house with parent

[missy111]

My dad (81) reasonably healthy, what issues he does have are well controlled and he walks 5 miles a day. Just to give you an idea of him.
He has decided that he would like to buy a bigger house, where he can have his own area (bedroom, bathroom and lounge) and we (husband, son and I) have the rest. He will pay for most of it from the sale of his house, and will get a mortgage for the rest.

He is not pressuring us, but we couldn't afford the kind of house/area without his input.

I am an only child, so no siblings etc.

Has anyone done this? Any regrets? Plus points? Weighing it all up and deciding is hard!

Just because he is reasonably healthy now doesn't mean things won't go downhill suddenly. MIL was active and healthy, walked into town and met with friends one morning, in the afternoon she had a stroke that left her paralysed, incontinent, non verbal and suffering seizures. At 81 my dad was still playing golf and going fishing but at 82 a trip led to a fractured pelvis and chronic pain, more falls and a downward spiral.

Whose name would the property be in? Could there be a case for deprivation of assets if he did need care?

I fully understand that.
Half of me thinks that it'll be be and my husband doing all the running around and supporting so easier if we're already in the house together. Other half is making me think no, because of this exact reason

It would be 50% dad, 25% me and 25% husband.

There are no signs at the moment of him needing care, though I do know things can change.

Do you currently own your own house?

My dad had all sorts of sensible plans for his later years and when he was 83/84 my siblings and I had no idea of the change that would occur later on.
He was fit, healthy, no bad lifestyle habits, walked miles each day and so on.

But, he then had a small stroke that affected his mental capacity and by aged 86 we couldn't care for him anymore .
For us it was the defecation everywhere and refusal to wear pads that was the final straw.

I wouldn't do it as you don't know the future. He could just slowly fade away into his 90's, no dementia , ill health etc but you don't know.

What has prompted this idea of his? We now know our old dad had a few problems a few years before and he was aware of them but brushed them under the carpet do to speak.

I was the child in this sort of set up and that's why it's something I would never do to my own child!

Yes, I grew up with my grandparent close by but it's incredibly limiting on family life. Who cleans his space, cooks his meals, provides him with company, does his washing? What happens if you want a family day out - does he come too? Who is going to take him to medical appointments. Who makes cups of tea for his friends when they come round? If you're not going to do it how do you feel
about having carers etc coming to the house daily? We couldn't go on holiday far away in case we needed to get back quickly and eventually couldn't go on holiday together as somebody needed to stay at home to keep an eye on grandparent.

Then you get to the point where they can't manage any longer and require more care than can be provided at home, but if all their savings are tied up in their portion of the house you could ultimately end up having to sell it to make that cash available to pay for the care.

Please take advice from age Uk etc re deprivation of assets. And read some of th3 cockroach cafe threads to see the reality of care…

My widowed FiL was never overweight, never smoked, hardly drank, was still playing tennis and cycling at 80.

He still got vascular dementia, which meant that within 18 months or so a care home was needed. Before that he’d lived with us for a year, and I was on my knees with exhaustion. Up and down half the night, banging and shouting and demanding to go out at 2 am, refusing to bath or change dirty clothes, asking me (wfh at the time) the same question 35 times in one hour (yes, I did once count) - and truly terrifying rages over the tiniest thing.

He’d always been an ‘easy’ and welcome guest pre dementia, and I’d been very fond of him. But we’d been utterly clueless about what dementia could mean in practice.

You don’t know what could be just around the corner.