Advice/kick up the arse -visiting DM in hospital.

[chosenone]

I’ll be honest I struggle with this. My DH has even told me to have more empathy 😔

Background, very close to DM has child and teen. Lots of family issues happened that lead to problems, toxicity and then me going low contact. DM has a host of health issues now and has declined rapidly. She is immobile and lots of confusion and cognitive issues she doesn’t want investigating and has pretty much given up.

Currently in hospital after an infection and effectively ‘bed blocking’. When I visit I struggle with the practicalities of not trying to ‘fix’ things and getting frustrated with her. I struggle with how she looks. Frail, no teeth, given up on hair etc. She will still try to be rude and bossy with me, slag people off etc and wax lyrical about my ‘golden child’ sibling.

Wht would you do? Keep it light? Distract? Chat about the weather? Not dwell on the rising resentment within ? She’s an old lady, scared and confused and stubborn but I find it very difficult. She still lives with DF and has carers but DF rings 999 whenever things get tough.

I empathise with you.
it is difficult, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Get practical.
does your sibling visit her?
what does your mum want to happen?
can your dad cope?
ask for a referral for social services, tell the brutally honest truth to the drs.

in spite of what others may say, it’s not your job or duty to care for a parent.

i wish you luck

To you she is your DM and the way she communicates reflects the entirety of your relationship, with all its ups and downs. So you perceive stubborness, giving up, bad decisions, rudeness.

For a professional, who knows absolutely nothing about what your DM looked like before she had cognitive impairment and has never been parented by her, a lot could be explained by the cognitive impairment alone - not being able to make a decision rather than 'stubborness', not being able to understand the situation rather than 'bad decisions', apathy due to dementia rather than 'giving up', disinhibition rather than 'rudeness'.

I'd consider what both of you are getting out of the visits and how often/how long they need to be. And go with low expectations of what your conversation will be like. She's an old frail lady with a very damaged brain.

could you take some old photos in to talk about or read her something from a book or magazine? You need to something the hang the conversation on. Does she have a favourite cake from the bakers or sweets? If she’s not going anywhere, has dementia and is unwell with an infection she’s going to find taking part in a conversation very difficult. Sometimes objects for when they were young are useful.
Its amazing what they will talk about when the moment takes them but it’s enabling them to find the moment that’s key

I struggle with the practicalities of not trying to ‘fix’ things and getting frustrated with her. I struggle with how she looks. Frail, no teeth, given up on hair etc. She will still try to be rude and bossy with me, slag people off etc and wax lyrical about my ‘golden child’ sibling.

Wht would you do? Keep it light? Distract? Chat about the weather?

Yes do this. keep it light, distract, chat about weather. Does she have a favourite author or magazine she reads? Take a copy and read bits out to her. Take a newspaper or pull up news or gossip site on your phone and ditto.

If it distresses you and she is willing, you could do small personal grooming things for her. Offer to brush her hair, do her nails, or find her teeth. If she says no don’t push it though.

When she is rude or slags people off deflect rather than engage. Plaster your best fake bright and breezy smile across your face and make “umm hmmm” noises. “Gosh yes that must be hard / sounds awful”.

It is not your job to fix your toxic DM. Leave that to golden child sibling. Support your Dad (who sounds like he can’t cope with her either). Ignore the “but she’s your Mum” emotional blackmail.

If you can I’d talk about memories of good times (maybe with a photo album) as if I’ve understood correctly everything was ok til your teens? I think when you do loose your mother you’ll feel you tried to contribute to making the end of her life as easy/ pleasant as possible which Imho will bring you peace.

How often are you visiting? If you are low contact already, are you maintaining that now?

Personally I’d keep it short and sweet and very superficial.

can you focus on practical things? like what’s going to happen next? but if you don’t want to get involved there either, you don’t have to

If you do go keep the visits brief, 40 minutes maximum. Maybe choose a couple of things to talk about before visiting, I often talk about something my DC are up to. My DM has advanced Alzheimer’s and doesn’t remember or really follow what I’m saying so it’s more for me to have something to do and talk about.

You could ask
if she needs anything brought in for her or re fold her clothes do you have something to do.

Thanks so much everyone.

I went yesterday and kept it light and did some personal care, groping. DM was quite confused but was more lighthearted yesterday, more accepting of her situation I think. Similar to myself I guess.