Is my mum dying? Should I be prepared?

[RosaMoline]

In a nutshell:

Up to February this year, my mum was pretty independent albeit forgetful. Still living in her own home. Chatty and engaging.
Since about the middle of February, she’s had two medical episodes - falls which required hospital admission. The medical opinion was a mild heart attack.
The first time, she went into a nursing home as respite for 2 weeks, then back home with a carer popping in. In all honesty, it wasn’t entirely successful, she had another fall, back into hospital for a few days, back to the NH with the view that this would be permanent. That was the middle of March.
Since then, her decline has been swift and shocking. I can’t believe how rapid it’s all happened - conversation is minimal, she doesn’t smile any more, she’s no longer mobile, incontinent, doesn’t want to eat or drink, has to be fed.
My Dad passed 2 years ago. I think she’s literally ‘given up’ and wants to be with him.
She has no energy, sleeps a lot and feels unwell all the time (low sodium levels apparently)
Do you think this is the beginning of the end? I hope it doesn’t sound uncaring, but I’m hoping it is, as she’s very unhappy and clearly doesn’t want to be here.
Thank you for reading x

I’m just a lay person. How old is your Mum? When my Mum was actively dying I read up about the process and some of the articles I read talked about the changes 6 months before death and this seems to match what you’re describing about your Mum.

Hi, she’s 85. 86 at the end of August. Weirdly practically all my family seem to pass at age 86. My paternal grandparents. My dad (who said he’d pass at the same age as his dad, and did) my maternal grandfather. The only exception was my Nan (mum’s mum) who was 88.

She maybe aware of that. I can imagine being at a certain age, my body starting to seriously decline and kind of accepting that this is what happens. But none of this makes it any easier for you xx

She is the same age just about as my DM. One thing that I have noticed with mine since she turned 80 is that there is a dramatic and very fast decline when she is unwell - she goes from apparently fine to looking at death’s door within hours and there is nothing in between. She has come back from these episodes so far but it’s a reminder she is actually very frail. I think it’s common at that age, being realistic.

Would it be possible to ask for a referral to palliative care via the GP? Maybe they would be able to advise.

Sympathy and solidarity here. My DM is very similar, youn get but with a range of health issues. She is currently in hospital but there is nothing particularly urgent. She is immobile and incontinent and seems to have given up also! Looking to go back into care home soon. I feel this is probably a slow decline. She is asleep more than she’s awake now which I’ve heard is common when in a slow decline. 💐

I’m so sorry about your Mum.
It could either way honestly. My own Mum had a similar decline after falls, illness and ending up in NH. Scared us all to death, but lived nearly 2 years tho quite up and down. other friends of hers though declined quite rapidly after falls.

If she’s well cared for, being fed etc just focus on keeping her company and cheering her up how you can. I read to my Mum at lot and got quite good at one-sided conversations. Be braced for this being the beginning of the end.

The NH should be making sure she’s hydrated and is getting adequate nutrition.

It's very likely the falls were precipitated by an underlying medical event eg TIA.

As others have said, this may not be the end but is likely a 'step down' from her baseline, that probably won't revert to normal.

The stats about recovery from falls at that age are sobering. It's the reason fall prevention is stressed so much - once an older person falls, the knock-on effects are often quite dramatic and the risk of subsequent falls significant.

However, I wouldn't accept her current appearance & would be looking at a review of meds, including ADs where necessary.

All the best to you & your mum 💐

You can't always give precise timelines because there's an element of unpredictability, but your line of thinking is not at all unreasonable.

Absolutely now is the time to do all the things your Mum needs to be alive for.

She possibly doesn't really want to live without your Dad and is ready to move on. It is so hard for those of us left behind to understand why they don't want to stay with us but maybe it is time. My mum is like this and I think she has what used to be referred to as 'turned her face to the wall'.

Sorry to hear you are also at this stage.

I think you are wise to think this way. Would you DM like to see a priest or vicar? Parent in last few days found it very comforting and the priest was lovely. He told me after she passed a few days later that she told him her time was close and was prepared for death.

wishing you strength

sadly we have just been through 3 years of this. when my mil passed suddenly all my fil wanted was to be with her. After a major fall, he went into a nursing home, and from then on it was a real nightmare. he had so many things wrong he would get ill and end up in hospital we would fill in DNA forms then he would make a comeback. it was awful as he spent the last 3 years in bed he couldn't focus on TV or radio so it was 3 years just spent in bed. it was a blessing in many ways when he slipped away in his slip just before Christmas.

I would ask for a meeting with the nursing home and the local gp or whoever is in charge of the medical care
sending best wishes and hugs to you

My mum now can’t swallow anything vaguely solid (doctor has stopped meds) and is in bed/asleep a lot of the time…tiny sips of fluid here and there…refusing food…might the end be near now?

Sounds similar to my mum apart from the falls and continence issues. At 90, I think she was just tired and had had enough. She stopped going out, driving, cooking and caring about anything.

She lost interest in food and drink in her last week. She quickly became feeble with inactivity and died at home fairly quickly. It was a relief if I am honest.

Rosa - yes, I suspect its likely the end is near. Mum was exactly like this in the end. Its the body's way of closing down and preparing for the next journey.

I wasnt there when she finally passed but it was her time

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My friend who was the same age died at the weekend, and what you describe is how she was for the last couple of weeks.

Can I recommend the video Dying for Beginners on YouTube? It's by Dr Kathryn Mannix, a very experienced palliative care doctor. I found it really helpful.

I think the end is near. It sounds peaceful and painless though which is a blessing.
I think the doctor stopping meds means that he/ she thinks that it’s nearly time. Very often continuing meds just prolongs the process, which is not good for the person dying.

I wish you and your mum peace in the coming hours or days. Be prepared for it to not be quick. My mum lingered for a long time after stopping eating/drinking/having medication.

Thank you to everyone who replied. Mum passed peacefully at 2pm today. I saw her yesterday ♥️♥️

Rosa. Thinking of you and your Mum. I found the days after Mum passed - well it was relief. Her symptoms were very similar to your darling Mum.

I don’t know you or her of course but it sounds like she is in a better place and it was what she wanted for herself too.

Tracker
xx

Sorry for your loss 💐 I hope she is now at peace, and that you can find some comfort knowing she's resting now. Take care.

Thank you…poor mum really struggled over these last few weeks. As I said, saw her yesterday, thanked her for everything, kissed her, stroked her hands and face…told her I loved her…she squeezed my hand. She’s with my darling dad now ♥️

I am so sorry for your loss @RosaMoline 💐

So sorry for your loss xx

So sorry for your loss 💐x

Rosa
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mum is safe from all suffering and at peace now. No more pain or fear . When my mum passed after a dreadful death I was so relieved so if you feel like that don’t feel guilty.
Thinking of you