Freedom in Ageing

[Caterpault]

A more positive take perhaps, from a series of videos on a YouTube channel “Reflections on Life”. I’ve only seen a few, but admired the honesty. I thought I’d post one here in case anyone else found it engaging or interesting.

Oh dear.
No, I haven't watched it.

Do you know the EP board is for MNers dealing with all the problems of EPs?

Is there anything in this video that might make us feel better or will I just chuck my ipad out of the window?

Can you give us an indicator what it's about please?

Well, I suppose it’s a positive view, or at least an alternative view. I found her interesting and charming. It’s not advice on looking after elderly parents but more the wider subject of ageing and society’s views and her own personal experience. It may not apply to you or your circumstances. But if not for you, just pass it by? I’m not posting it here to critique her or criticise her. It’s more an offering 🌸

PS. I’ve been on this particular board for about a year, read it most days and contribute fairly regularly.

I like this one too 🧡. Again, it may not speak to everyone.

Yes perhaps not the right board, although I'm sure the videos are charming ( I did watch five minutes)

One thing that has really sunk in from reading these boards, and reading some books from the perspective of older people and from carers, is that all the time our parents have capacity, they can make their own choices.

All we can do then is to set boundaries for ourselves. For example my mother has recently cancelled her evening carer. And now she wants to know why my siblings and I aren't rushing to her house when she wants curtains drawn or a window closed or somesuch of an evening. It's hard when increasingly frail parents are either demanding things from us or refusing assistance.

I had to watch both videos twice to get a real feel for it I think tbh, I even found the first couple of minutes a little off putting. There are other people on this channel too; I saw one about an elderly man who talked about pain - a drug addict in his younger days.

Why is it not the right board? It’s about ageing and elderly people. Totally flummoxed.

How wonderful!
I am grateful that you shared these. Thank you!
I have now a pause for thought.
I think it should be shared even in AIBU.

This section is very much for the struggles of dealing with very elderly seniors and maybe this is more about us. All of us. The universal experience of ageing and how we must LIVE!

Thanks again! I will share with my friends.

Perhaps chat? We're all ageing, aren't we? Some of us on here are just a bit sensitive as we're looking after ( or at least trying!) our elderly parents. Some are really very difficult, so it is to a large extent a support board for that. And also of course, stuff about power of attorneys, rights and responsibilities etc.

I will have a look as they probably are interesting, it's just that seeing videos of a lady wandering prettily around the woods carrying a basket is not at all like the stress and strain of helping someone with personal care, housework, finances, dementia etc (and the denial and sometimes aggression that so often go with it) feels a little misplaced here. Sorry!

I’m sitting at an easel right now - and plan to take my painting as far as I can. She is inspiring but she is healthy with a good brain. It is all about health to me.
There’s no reason to turn into a lump if you have what she has, or what I have. Health and wealth. I’m only 71.

Maybe try and see past the baskets etc @FleetingPurple? She is obviously an artist of some kind, maybe she has something (also universal) to share that goes beyond that. I applaud her generosity. Even with her health issues, which she mentions.

@SilverBranchGoldenPears thank you 🙏

@FleetingPurple how was it managed in the end?

Your comment about curtains has weirdly resonated with me.

Before dad had his last hospital admission, and ultimately death, he was very proud of himself one day for being able to open the curtains. It took every ounce of willpower he had.

It is such a tragedy to reach that life stage. My mother called in extra carers this week. She's been unwell and hasn't been able to do the most basic tasks.

I am very grateful that she called the carers and not me. I really do feel for her. It is a terrible life stage and I think those who actually are alright to be in it are a rarity.

She's had a chest infection. So she might bounce back. I don't know. We had a lunch out last weekend, then suddenly this.

My fear is the same as hers. That like her older siblings, this will be part of a decline, but she will continue along this lower rung of quality of life, with no chance of even enjoying watching television.

Ignore the board police.

Thanks for sharing.

@Caterpault The reason I asked is I thought this was like a support board for those caring for elderly parents. (We tend to spend a lot awful lot of time on our last nerve which is now in shreds like it's a carrot being grated for salad).

Like for example, "parents of adult children" or "mental health" or "the royal family".

"Chat" is where I put stuff I'm not sure about.

it occurs to me now that some people might interpret "Elderly Parents" as parents posting on MN about being elderly!

Sorry, not meaning to be board police at all. I was just thinking that it the videos might be better placed in chat, for the reasons I outlined.
@EmmaEmerald no resolution really, beyond giving mum the opportunity to exercise her mental capacity and make her own choices. So the carers remain cancelled, and between us we attempt to pass by of an evening to assist with things she can't manage herself. The alternative is to risk her hurting herself. So there is a bit of frustration around the fact that her choices tend to leave us scurrying around doing damage limitation, or stressing about feeling responsible if her choices lead to injury, dehydration or a fall. Alternatively accept that she makes choices that we don't deem to be wise ( despite obvious symptoms of dementia she refuses to be assessed) and let the chips fall where they may. Best wishes to you Emma as i followed your story last year with another user name, while i was in a very similar situation

Thanks @FleetingPurple

So you will understand why seeing this post made me think "um, what".

There's been a few head exploding posts around today.

I am so sympathetic to your situation. I was once asked by mum's doctor why I wasn't around when she had a fall. His excuse was he thought I lived there. I had to point out that even if I did live there, it would surely be feasible that I'd be out!!

The main reason I don't name change is that if I post anything here, many posters know the history so thank you for saying that 💐

It's about caring for elderly people. Specifically our parents, which adds an extra layer of emotional difficulty to already stressful circumstances.

My father didn't feel free when his heart attack took away his driving licence - and therefore his only 2 hobbies. Or when his Parkinsons made it impossible to maintain and then to stay in his house, or to stay in touch with most of his friends. Or when an extended hospital stay left him unable to stand or feed himself. When he was reliant on carers to get into or out of bed, or move between armchair and wheelchair.

My stepfather certainly doesn't feel free as dementia has stopped him using his workshop or going out on his bike, and slowly removes his abilities one by one.

My mother doesn't feel free as her life is limited by the constant attention my stepfather needs, and the relentless admin involved in organising finances and health appointments.

Arty camerawork and a polyanna attitude from someone with none of those problems won't fix any of that, and it just rubs in what has been lost. It doesn't fit here and is decidedly insensitive.

That doesn't mean you've joined a club and everything you post from now on should be in this forum. Sounds more appropriate for Chat forum TBH.

@NoBinturongsHereMate "It doesn't fit here and is decidedly insensitive."

thank you.

Yes, ageing is all very well and good while you still have reasonable physical health and mobility - and all your marbles!

I was once asked by mum's doctor why I wasn't around when she had a fall. His excuse was he thought I lived there. I had to point out that even if I did live there, it would surely be feasible that I'd be out

This shit really pisses me off. And ive yet to see any support from this quarter over the carers allowance scandal. Despite the fact that a. they are always expecting family members to step up whatever is going on in the lives of those family members and b. the support they got from the public over the strikes.

OP, thank you for posting the video. Other posters- thank you for sharing your distress about the video.
I haven't seen the videos and feel it might be too painful for me to watch (recently lost my mum after a very bumpy journey) but I do wonder if the OP has hit on something.
I've been through the hideous, exhausting, guilt-ridden (even where guilt is unjustified) journey of trying to support my dying mum. I'm so grateful for the support I received here. Especially around my feelings of longing for it to be over and then once it was over, wanting her back again.
But now she's gone and I am theoretically free, I find I am thinking increasingly about my own old age and death. Especially as there won't be a little Popular to look out for me.
I'm taking a long time to say this, but essentially I've realized that for me, there isn't a neat division between the carer and the cared for. Soonish, I will become one of those elderly people whom I used to feel exhausted by. Someone (not my child, as they don't exist) will be feeling worried/worn out by me.
And we say confidently, I won't let that happen! I will set up provision so I'm not a trouble! But that's a privilege of the wealthy.
I'm still trying to work out what I mean.