Panicking Mum

[PoppySim]

Just need to vent. DF is 85, DM is 77. DF has had cancer since 2009. He's had several different types, each one treated and he's responded amazingly well, giving him an extra 15 years, which is great. His health has been mainly good throughout all the treatment, with mum supporting him. Mum's health is good. There's me aged 44 and DB aged 38. We both live within 10 minutes of parents. I go to their house about 5 times a week. Dad's become quite unwell recently due to cancer spreading further and the amazing consultant has said that although it's not a case of how long left, that she's not a magician and there's not really anything left she can do, other than manage pain. Dad's appetite is low and he's always cold, and due to a bad back, has unusually spent the last week or so in bed. Mum has always been anxious and panics easily. She calls me crying/ hyperventilation each time something happens to DF. Over the last few years, these occurrences have become more frequent, calling me while I'm at work etc. I'll rush round, run them to hospital, rally would, and he thankfully has been ok. In the last week, I've not visited due to bring unwell myself and don't want to pass my illness onto them. I've had a message on Monday saying he's not eating and is too unwell to attend a doctors appointment, can't get out of bed. I call her, try to find solutions, offer to arrange home visit. He then managed to get dressed, shaved and went to doctor. Next morning I had a text from her asking if I've got the power of attorney for them, makes me think something else has happened. Phoned her immediately - they'd been waia TV programme about POA and that's what prompted her to message me.Today she's phoned, hardly able to speak because dad couldn't eat his dinner and he's gone back to bed. I'm dreading phone calls from her, she panics me. She always calls me, not my brother. When my brother's there, she's all jolly and brave face. She panics me so much. I've got my own things going on. DS18 is going to uni in September. DD16 is sitting her GCCEs soon. My husband has bipolar and although he is a great support to me and my parents, I worry about him becoming unwell. I work full time. I love both my parents and of course will be sad when dad goes, but I feel like the way my mum will react and feel afterwards is the thing I'm dreading more. I've got a week's holiday booked in July. I'm worried in case he dies before we go or while we're away. I know this makes me sound really selfish. I've just spent the last 15 years worrying about him and jumping everytime she phones me incase it's bad news. I'll do anything I can to help practically, but the mental stress of it is exhausting. I try to be a good daughter and I feel bad for feeling like I do. Sorry this was really long.

That sounds difficult and exhausting for everyone. Have you got the health and welfarw power of attorney for him , it can't be acted on anyway unless he loses capacity. Do you have a good relationship with your brother, can you call him and ask him to help support you. Has dad been referred to the district nurses or cancer community nurses. I would call his gp and tell them that mum keeps calling you and your own gp, you need support too,

Oh OP, this sounds so difficult. I've not been in this situation as thankfully my parents are both still relatively healthy but my mum is exactly the same - she is a panicker and can't cope with anything. I dread anything happening to my dad for the same reasons you have mentioned. Are you close enough with your brother to talk to him about this? Maybe come to an agreement that you'll do some kind of week on/week off support for your mum or something?

Thanks both for replying and being so kind. I've not looked at the POA since they did it years ago, I'll get it out to check. I honestly can't see him loosing capacity, and I thought that if my mum was still around and fully functioning, that it wouldn't be needed. Brother is ok, relationship has been strained in the past but better in last few years. He knows what she's like. He's got a young family and so has his hands full too. It's just when he goes round it's to borrow something or to plant some bulbs. He doesn't get all the stress offloaded onto him. I just feel really bad for looking forward to a time when this is all over and I won't have this constant worry and stress. I know it's awful to think this

It's not awful, it's taking its toll on everyone. If dad can still make his own decisions there is no need for poa. Can you and your brother visit together, talk to your parents and say its not sustainable, have they considered outside help and support.

Have a think about all the past calls.

How many fell into the category of you being the RIGHT person to call, you COULD do something about the situation, and the call COULDN'T wait until you had finished work?

If the answer is 0 or very low - the likelihood of it mattering if you stop answering is also low. In that case you could say something diplomatic - work policy change re. personal calls / new office, no reception - and instead call every day at the same time, 6pm or whatever, to catch up.

If there is a real emergency, they are both adults and can ring 999 like anyone else.

This would not be "being mean to them", this would be keeping your powder dry so that should something actually kick off where you can help, you're not burnt out and ineffective.

Just a thought - you're the one on the ground here, not us.

“I just feel really bad for looking forward to a time when this is all over and I won't have this constant worry and stress. I know it's awful to think this”

yes but it’s also NORMAL
it’s really hard being the one who does the emotional support thing. Do you have anyone you can offload on? My DSis and I would sometimes call each other just to vent. Saves unloading it on your OH. Failing that look into some counselling or something. You may be able to access some carer’s support (because you ARE a carer here)

I think otherwise I just learnt that sometimes the job is just to be reassuring. You can’t stop your Mum calling but you can just really focus on making reassuring noises eg “yes Mum we have LPA” or talk her through what else has be eaten today etc…

You could also Maybe try talking to her gently about end of life, funeral planning etc… I imagine she is scared cos she knows this is getting towards the end. Maybe talking about it might help her deal with that, or at least know she can talk to you about what she is really frightened of (him dying) rather than whatever is panicking her today.

With so much going on I do think you need to protect your resources a bit.

I agree with a PP about agreeing a time when you call them, daily if that seems right, or maybe less often, and otherwise turn off your phone a lot more.

Or if turning off your phone isn't possible, try to get in the habit of not rushing to call back. They do have access to GP, 111, 999 just like anyone else, if it's that urgent. If you ca t ignore the call, try practising saying something like 'Oh dear. What do you think you should do?' rather than immediately leaping into action.

I'm not suggesting you withdraw from being their daughter, but that you stop being their big red emergency button when they would do better to call someone else.

I think this is good advice, but it isn't you who needs it, it's your mum. You must impress on her not to call during work hours apart from if it's an emergency. Or when she does, train her by saying "mum I can't deal with this now - call 111" or "I'm busy at work and this isn't an emergency. I'll phone to discuss it when we get home".

The idea of a fixed time for a daily call is a good one.

Thanks all, really helpful advice and I really appreciate your kindness. I spoke with DB, he hasn't heard from DM this week. He says he only usually gets told about incidents and scares afterwards, when things have calmed down
He is younger, so maybe she is protecting him. I'll take the advice on board, it helps immensely to know that there is only so much I can actually do. I'm happy to support and help them both, it's just that when she calls panicking, I think he's actually dying, and this happening relatively frequently is really stressful. It did help to speak to DB, and helped me not to burden DH with it all. Thanks again everyone.

The thing about worrying before you go away seems to be quite common. You need a break as much as anyone else and you're entitled to take it.

Put some boundaries in with your mum - no phoning during working hours, no phoning when you're away. She might not like this, but it's not reasonable or helpful for her to burn you out (mine used to message me first thing in the morning, or last thing at night; she expected me to be contactable at all times but quite often took the piss messaging at unreasonable times about stupid stuff, and it took quite a few goes to get through that it wasn't ok).

I remember once cancelling a doctor's appointment for myself because I'd been so upset by one of my DM's panicked phone calls at one point. I can't even remember what it was about now.

Putting in times where you agree to call is an excellent idea and so is saying work are clamping down on personal calls. In a way, you dropping everything to answer then rushing around is rewarding and justifying the panic and drama.

Would it help if you spoke to the GP or the hospice to find out what support is available, and/or are there any local charities that offer support to relatives of those who are terminally ill? There are ones locally here that support people with terminally ill relatives and offer transport to people with cancer to get to appointments.

Is your Mum getting all the support/meds available from her GP and any other organisations? Mine, frustratingly (because I worry what she'll be like when my DF dies too), won't do counselling or antidepressants, I think she thinks they're a sign of weakness, but has a tupperware full of enough sleeping pills to knock out half her village.

Was your mum concerned when you were unwell? Like for you, rather than being concerned that you weren't being her on call support?

Have you told your mum how her panicky phone calls make you feel? That they are distressing, and actually make it harder to help her?

has she always been like this? if so then she is unlikely to change now.

my SIL was getting nightly phone calls from her dad, every single day, with an ‘update’ on her mum. MIL is immobile, bed bound, has Parkinson’s and dementia and has been for years now. She does not change from day to day, there is no ‘update’, the calls were just a daily reminder of how shit and depressing her mums life has become. So she pulled on her big girl pants and told her dad that she didn’t want him to phone every night. He was upset, complained etc but she stuck to it.

Can you back off a bit? Not be quite so available? I know you’ve had a lifetime of being trained to jump to rescue your mum and that’s hard to overcome. Has your mum ever taken steps to deal with her anxiety?

I guess what I’m saying is the usual advice: she’s not going to change, but you can change the way you respond to her.