Not sure I can do this again

[CadyEastman]

DM, 89 very soon, has just been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. DMIL died last year with the same thing.

I've always had a difficult relationship with M, who effectively abdicated all childcare to my DF, who to his credit did a fabulous job.

She's cold, rude and I have a sense of responsibility towards her but have always managed great boundaries. I know though that those boundaries are most likely going to be eroded and I'm dreading what the future holds for her and me.

Totally feel for you as in the same position ☹️

So sorry @Keepstring have you been through this before? I know the practical things I need to sort out. The last time was a very steep learning curve but DMIL was lovely and I was happy to do things for her.

"Do what a bloke would be expected to do" can be a useful fallback position to consider. 💐

You don't owe her anything. Think of yourself and your own family. I would take care of legal stuff but you need to detach.

Its not that easy though! We are in a similar position with my Dad. He wasn't the best father growing up, but me and my sister are all he has left, and he is incapable of doing anything for himself. He has carers going in now, 4 times a day and things are relatively calm, but it took ages to get him to this position, and in all honesty it doesn't take much to upset the apple cart. Just a simple infection can make him hallucinate, call us in the middle of the night, or see him horsed into hospital. If he's in hospital for a few weeks, his whole care package gets cancelled, meaning that when he is set to go home, it all has to be applied for again. It's a bloody nightmare. I don't know many people who would let their parent die a slow death, with no access to food and water - and that's what it boils down to when they are suddenly incapable of even moving to the kitchen or getting themselves on to a toilet.

I have every sympathy. We had FiL (vascular dementia) living with us for about a year before I was on my knees, and he moved to a care home.

When it came to my mother (Alzheimer’s) not many years later, there was absolutely no way I was moving her in. I did love my mother, but TBh she was never the ‘easiest’ person anyway - you only had to twitch an eyelash the wrong way for her to take offence.

We supported her as well as we could at home, until she was clearly no longer safe to be left alone at all, and it was time for a care home.

I can resonate. My mum can be hard work, sometimes very hard work...but she is luckily being lovely and pleasant to be around at the moment, it goes from phases of lovely to us being the spawn of Satan! This is one of the reasons i struggle so much as she can be a nice mum.

There is no simple answer, apart from do what you want and are willing, whilst keeping your mental health in tact.

I get a lot of pressure to do things from family, but am practising my boundaries. Its really hard but getting better.

Some people just look after from afar. Making sure care is in place. That might be best option for you.

Remember, you are a good person and although it feels very personal, these people are suffering a lot. With not taking the time to work on their mental health, we often rake the brunt of it. There is a quote I am fond of "if truly happy you Could not hurt another".

This helps me rationalise things, and view things from a different perspective. Doesn't always work like!

It's a long Hard road but people of mumsnet will always be here for support. Many people going through it too. 😪

I feel for you @CadyEastman - I think that notion of duty can actually be very useful, as a contrast with emotional guilt / fear / obligation etc. What would you consider your general duty to be if it was a discussion with reasonable people? What can you do that is to the benefit of and in the interests of your DM within your needed boundaries? Ideally you’d be able to write down a list of things you consider to be your duty, and none of them have to be giving direct personal care or being constantly available personally or in power struggles with the person who needs care.

Duty could be about ensuring that care is given by someone else, while you are a visitor only, that money is administered correctly, that rights and benefits are advocated for, statutory authorities are held to their duties etc. This is a job of work but may well be a lot less draining for you than the kind of emotional obligations that some people feel they are automatically owed by their children. No-one else, including your DM, should dictate what you do and don’t do.

I like PP’s suggestion of asking yourself what would be expected of a man. I used to do this - what if I were her son, living where I live, with my job and at my age. I know that I would be being praised for what I do, as going above and beyond.

It is hard to maintain boundaries, but you must have your own good mental health and peace of mind and if that means dealing with people in a new and bold way, then OK.

It's all very well people telling you to detach but if you don't help her, who will? Vascular dementia can cause all sorts of strange behaviour that she probably won't even be aware.

Start getting support in place now. It's very likely that she won't be able to manage any of this herself (if not now in the not too distant future).

Social services will recommend keeping her at home for as long as possible but that's not necessarily the best solution and puts a massive strain on the family trying to manage it all. Our elderly relative was very reluctant to go to a care home but it's been a resounding success and she is very well supported with no worries about trying to hold it all together at home (she wasn't even with us and carers running around like headless chickens).

Day centres are a great for people with early to mid dementia if you have one nearby.