Unreasonable elderly DM

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My DM is 91. She has become more and more unreasonable and irrational over the last 20 years. I don't remember her being like this when I lived at home when I was young and she was 40s-50s.

She screams abuse at me if I don't understand what she means. This can be as vague as 'You know the man' which could in fairness relate to almost anyone. She expects me to do all sorts of things that are unreasonable and if I refuse swears and should abuse.
I'm not sure if she used to know them but she has no ability now to do simple times tables - didn't know what 5x6 was. Her grasp of her finances seems hazy.
The most recent thing she has screamed at me for was refusing to pretend to be her on the phone to her bank. I said it's a serious matter to impersonate someone else to a financial institution and I could get into trouble. She thought no one would know- I'm 54 - I don't sound 91 ffs.
Anyone got any advice beyond deep breathing and counting to 10 a lot?

Would she cooperate for a GP visit? I'm not a doc, but what you describe sounds like a dementing illness. Certain types of dementia have behavioural and personality symptoms in addition to cognitive symptoms.

She sounds as if she might have dementia..it takes many forms.
I have a relative who is on the first rung of this awful ladder..they are short tempered, argumentative and generally bloody rude and awful and you just can't argue or disagree with them.
They don't like speaking on the phone either as their speech isn't great anymore although it seems to improve during rants.
Re. The bank - your mum could give permission for you to speak on her behalf and I know many people who do pretend to be the parent in these circumstances talking to institutions although it's obviously not a great thing to do.
Not much help I'm afraid if she's not open to any health discussions. I feel for you though. It's only going to get worse.

Do you have Power of Attorney for her?

Rather than tolerate it how about calling her out on it every time? Or does that just escalate things more? ie is it possible to have a rational conversation with her?

I'm 52 and having been ioff work for almost a year had to count 5x6 on my fingers. No hope of me even doing that in a couple of years, never mind at 91. Yes, grin and agree. Re the bank do you have POA so you could call? Have to say I did pretend to be my gran at a similar age on the phone (gran was beside me). Just dealing with things after Grandad died but before POA was in place.

I am worried that I could get into trouble impersonating someone else when it's to do with money. Also I'd feel ridiculous pretending to be 91 when I sound obviously much younger. It's not a routine enquiry but setting up a new fixed rate saver. I know how hot all banks are on proof of identity etc to counteract money laundering.
I know she finds the modern world confusing and unsettling and can sympathise. It's the way everything is my fault and how she shouts and screams at me.

Wondering if there's a way to do it without calling. Could you possibly do it all online?

If your DM is there when you call the bank she can give you permission. I agree a GP visit would be good, failing that, pull back a little?

Do you have a financial lasting power of attorney for your DM ? - if so you can activate it and deal with her financial matters ? If not - well I think you're perfectly within your rights to refuse to impersonate your DM on the phone. All sorts of problems if you got found out.

Does sound possible for a dementia situation. My DM became very argumentative in the early stages. Suggest you contact her GP and ask for an initial assessment. It is a dreadful pathway to be on if it is dementia - ask for and take any / all help offered. We found Aged UK and their local groups very helpful and supportive

If she signs power of attorney forms you can talk to the bank etc. it sounds like a form of dementia to me from what you have written. Sooner the better for the paperwork

My DM has dementia and this sounds very much like how she was earlier on.
I always called the bank on speaker with mum there so she could do the security checks and then agree for me to speak on her behalf.
I think we then set up a Third Party Mandate to allow me to call on her behalf to deal with her accounts until we finally got the POA in place and had to stop DM accessing her accounts as she no longer has capacity.
It hasn't been an easy ride, but I'd advise getting POA sorted ASAP.

The POA is complicated and I don't think the family member who had it has registered it with the various banks and building societies. They also are not very geographically close.
I am surprised and anxious that so many posts think these are signs of early dementia. I thought that only a small percentage of elderly people with degrees of cognitive impairment actually went on to develop dementia. I think DM has definite signs of MCI- can't recall names, struggles to do arithmetic, personality and mood swings, loss of concentration- can't follow TV or films.

Every time she screams and shouts you say calmly you won't be spoken to like that and leave/put the phone down.

She does it because you allow it.

You could set up a saver rate account by post with your mother?

If you can’t do it by phone because your mother shouts at you accept that the account won’t happen and don’t set it up?

You can step back whether it’s early dementia, general cognitive decline, or just bad tempered-ness. Only do the absolute essentials?

I agree with this, you are allowing her to behave this way. I used to walk out on my grandmother when she was really demanding/unreasonable/rude, it isnt good for them, that sort of rudeness is emotionally damaging to you and your mum. I doubt it does yours or her blood pressure much good either.

Thank you for wise words. I am really bad at having boundaries. I let guilt get the better of me and end up apologising to try to build bridges and kept the peace.

I speak to people on the phone for my Dad all the time - utilities and different banks- they always just want to know that I am in the room with him and ask him to confirm that they have permission to speak to me.

I know that won’t solve your main problems but it might be one less thing to for her to argue with you about!

my mum got to 90 before developing dementia - I thought she wouldn’t get it at that age for some reason. It’s highly likely to be the start of it from what you describe. A GP appointment would be the way to go.