Having a mental health bin fire again

[HoraceGoesBonkers]

Urgh. I'm not sure if this is the best board for this but given the problems largely revolve around elderly parents it seems like a good place to start.

I've been posting on and off on this board and Stately Homes for a while. My backstory is that I had three siblings, two of them are dead now. My remaining DS has cancer recently and has been doing less visiting which is fair enough.

My Dad has a degenerative disease and is in a care home.

I think my Mum has some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder, she's not normal and I got very ill trying to run after her a few years ago. She's been a total nightmare about my sister having cancer and seems to in some ways resent her and Dad not being the centre of attention with ill health; for example, she started phoning round relatives giving them inaccurate updates about my sister's health.

I've had episodes of bad mental health before and I manage it by running, going to the gym and spending time outdoors. I was also on Prozac for a while but it made me put on loads of weight, which it's taken me a long time to shift.

I had a particularly shit Dad visit last week, he seemed really agitated. To make matters worse one of the staff started telling me how upsetting it must be to see him like that. I know she probably didn't mean it badly but I didn't need it pointed out to me.

My DM lives an hour away at the furthest end of a small village from the local shops, GP and everything else. She picked a care home for DF that's 20 minutes drive away and even more in the middle of nowhere.

She's recently been complaining about being lonely and not being able to go out walking. You know the threads about people relying too much on neighbours and making impractical decisions? That's her, and at the moment it just seems so bleak... we had a series of crises with Dad and I can see we're going to go through the same pattern of emergencies as my DM's health fails.

Dad can't move, feed himself, see or speak but she claims he chats away for her when she visits and eats cake.

I'd been doing really well with stopping drinking, losing weight and had thought I'd gotten to the point that I had the tools to manage things but the wheels have totally come off in the last couple of days and I've started to drink too much and feel completely at the end of my tether. I've not been sleeping or eating. Here we are again.

I've had counselling previously and that helped but it just feels like going over the same ground. It's a shit situation and I've got limited power to change it.

I know I need to get help and speak to the GP but I'm at a loss at where to go from here.

That sounds incredibly difficult. Perhaps a new type of antidepressant might be the best port of call first off. Escitalopram works for me. My goodness this is a boat load for anyone to cope with. Sending a massive hug over the internet. Will try the think of other things that might help. This board is EXCELLENT for support. 🫖☕

I'm sorry, that sounds really hard. Does your Mum have money to pay for carers? If you could outsource some of the problem it might help.

Is there any possibility that some other life crisis could come along that means you are unable to help, for reasons beyond your control?

Do you have any friends or relatives called Bunbary? (Importance of Being Earnest reference).

I don't think you should take drugs to control what is a perfectly healthy emotional reaction in yourself. I think you need to outsource this.

Dad can't move, feed himself, see or speak but she claims he chats away for her when she visits and eats cake

This much is very very common. I have lost count of the people I have seen who don't appear to be able to move a muscle, but families are busy telling me 'he's hungry' or 'he says such and such'.

Obviously when you have been very close to someone you are attuned to their communication but often this goes far beyond that, effectively in to fantasy.

I'd suggest the best way to deal with this bit at least is nod and smile, while internally ignoring.

https://www.boredpanda.com/taking-baby-steps-struggling-with-mental-health/?media_id=struggling-with-mental-tips-health-twitter-1-60cc397f17f7a__700

This thread on Twitter is brilliant for when you're just not functioning. It's baby steps up out of a mental health bin fire, well explained. Xxx

What a tonne of shit for you to contend with. Sounds like you have been doing so well for yourself.

What type of counselling did you have? If it was just a listening service it sounds like you need something far more substantial than that.

OP try not to fret too much about your mum. Mine ha a load of false memories about her now-deceased partner, especially his time in care.

I suspect it's a form of wishful thinking that takes over as she loses the plot a bit. It's OK not to try to drag her back to reality.

You sound completely overwhelmed. You are not responsible for your mum's loneliness. I found a village befriending service for my mum, it took the pressure off. Take time out to recharge, be less available, wait for the crisis then call adult services. We are not obligated to dance attendance on our oldies whenever they whistle or pick up the pieces from their poor decisions x

Thanks all, I'm getting sorted with beta blockers and counselling.

I think part of the reason I've ended up falling back into the mental health swamp is the visiting logistics. It's the best part of an hour to get to the care home, and I've got a 40 minute window between DF getting up and going to lunch. This is the only time I can visit that works around school times (one DC is too young to understand what's going on and the other one gets upset). DH is at work then too. It feels very lonely.

DF will grunt at me then fall asleep. I'm not sure if he knows I'm there or recognises me.

The public transport option would take hours, so I have to drive. I think I'd maybe find it easier if I could read a book or something when travelling rather than drive.

My DM unfortunately makes joint visits massively more stressful by doing stuff like ringing my phone repeatedly just before we're due to meet up, bombarding me with messages or makes demands. She's got an uncanny knack for winding people up.

I know it sounds stupid but I think I'd also find it easier if there was a supermarket or clothes shop or something I could go and poke around after visits. But there's not a lot nearby the home. There's no way DM will agree to move him either.

I need to maybe work out a way of working something into the visits that I find a bit bolstering but I'm not sure what. DF's been in the home for nearly 2 years and I didn't think it would go on for this long.

How often do you go ? Could you cut back rhe visits a bit? Give yourself sometime to rest and to get back on keel.? If your mum can afford it could she have a ‘person’ ( private carer) to take her to visit your Dad and go shopping etc? It’s sounds such alot to cope with and you’ve got young kids too.I’d really try to buy in help if it’s possible financially.

Audio book, honestly try one. On your mobile in the car, Bluetooth to the stereo speakers or just turn the phone up.
Free trial often available via Prime/audible or what works for me is our country library service offer for free Borrowbox. Totally free, no fines, online, just need a library card number, have a google.
It's made a massive difference to my journeys. Listened to all sorts of stuff I'd never have finished. You may find your self sat at your destination, just finishing a chapter.
I loved Lessons in Chemistry, Michelle Obama s biography, Bournville and Andrew Ridgelys biography !

I visit once a month. It doesn't seem like a lot but I'm mostly just watching DF sleep. I'm also self employed and can't take masses of time off, plus DS has autism so we sometimes have extra things to do around that.

I will look into the audio tapes, thank you.

I've had some counselling already, a lot of which focused on boundaries with my DM, which I've worked hard to put in place. It used to be a lot worse, she'd habitually message me late at night or early in the morning when I was getting the kids ready.

DM still goes to things in her local community so at least that's something. Part of this is that she will go on to us about being lonely then we will discover she has actually been out and about doing stuff. I think she's not at the stage of needing a carer yet but it might be something we need in the next year or so.

I've done all the things you're meant to do like cutting back on phone calls and trailing down for visits. She knows this and will just keep working through different ways of keeping herself at the top of everyone's agenda, she's just announced she needs to speak to my sister about her financial affairs.

I think what's quite a trying situation is being amplified by me feeling sick. I had been managing it all lot better for the last few years, or thought I was, and suddenly, boom, a bad visit and a few night's broken sleep and I'm back underneath it all. Hopefully the meds and counselling will help.

@HoraceGoesBonkers sometimes you can have a bad period out of nowhere I think, I treat it like a failsafe mechanism in my brain, it warns me I'm doing too much. Counselling and Beta Blockers sound like a great step.

Your mum sounds like she has been a long term strain on you and in turn all your family unit. Maybe try some grey rock technique with her. (She wants to discuss finances with your sister who is going through cancer treatment?!? You may be right about your mum needing the spotlight - is your sister ok to block all that?). Hugs.

@Crucible I've been grey rock-ing as much as possible for months now. It has made things a lot better but I just seem to be having a blip and lots of negative thoughts right now.

My sister's through most her treatment but my DM's behaviour has been pretty bad. She, without asking my DS, took it upon herself to tell various distant relatives about the cancer and then give them inaccurate updates. She phoned around various relatives telling them my DS' cancer wouldn't respond to chemo and skated over that it had a good success rate with surgery. One of my relatives then phoned me worried nothing could be done for my DS and I had to set her straight.

Luckily relative knows what my mum's like and checked! My DS blocks her on and off and doesn't go down to visit as much now either.

She knows this and will just keep working through different ways of keeping herself at the top of everyone's agenda.

it is tiresome, my mother was the same. We are juggling 10 balls at once, they are bored!

It is difficult, it's not just the actual time visiting, phone calls, mssgs etc it is the constant headspace, worrying and guilt, it becomes disruptive and intrusive.
In my 60's I no longer had the energy to deal with it, I had to be realistic as to what I could do without feeling resentment. You need some time to decompress x

We are juggling 10 balls at once, they are bored! More than bored. Lonely, missing DC. It’s hard to come to terms that the child you bore, for whom you were tge centre of the world (as they were of yours) has now moved on. They are still the centre of your world, but you are on the periphery of theirs.

Doesn’t mean that you should drop everything and make them the centre of your world again. But sometimes understanding lessens resentment.

Usual caveat about abusive, neglectful or narcissistic parents which seem to be the majority on MN.

@MereDintofPandiculation unfortunately for me, my mum was a nasty, selfish alcoholic. I was never the centre of her world, my childhood was awful.

OK, so obviously my post wasn't relevant to you. Although I quoted your phrase, it wasn't meant specifically for you, it was more a general comment.

@HoraceGoesBonkers how's it going? Hope today was a bit better.

I'm glad your sister is getting through it. Cancer sucks.

@MereDintofPandiculation My mum has, unfortunately, been immensely self centered and attention seeking for years, and even as a teenager I was expected to be an emotional crutch.

@Crucible I'm feeling a bit better, thanks. I had a few days away.

I've got a login for an online CBT course and am going to see the mental health nurse tomorrow. There's been a cycle for a long time of me going on antidepressants for a bit, feeling better, stopping, then a couple of years later ending up back on them again. So I'm hoping that I'll be able to get a longer term solution this time.

Glad you've had a break, that's good news . I hope the steps you're taking, which all sounds very positive, have the effect you desire. I always try to remember that I cannot pour from an empty cup; I make sure I have something going on for me, something to look forward to. It's easy to let self care slide. I wish you well.

@HoraceGoesBonkers I'm sorry, that was an emotionally insensitive post.