My dad is causing us so much stress and anxiety - it’s driving me insane.

[Silverumbrella]

I’m sorry, this is so so long but my sister and I are both so very stressed, so anxious all the time and the main instigator to all of this is my dad. I hate to say this because we love him but he is also a miserable old man who is happy to bring everyone else down with him and really doesn’t give a shit about us.

He is under a lot of stress and my truly heart goes out to him which is why we do so much to help but he appears to not appreciate any of it and put spanners in the works at every angle.

Dad is 82 and in good health. Mum (81) sadly isn’t. She has a pacemaker due to heart issues, she is bent over and in pain from osteoporosis. She is pre-diabetic. 6 years ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and as with the nature of this horribly cruel disease, she gets worse month by month. Although mum recognises us all still she is quite confused at times. She can not do most things for herself.
For example, she couldn’t make herself a drink or a meal. If left to her own devises she would live off anything she could just get hold off ie biscuits etc. She can shower herself with prompting and assistance from the carer who comes in for an hour each morning (Mon-Sat). She goes to a day centre one afternoon per week which really helps her. But dad, my sister and I basically care for her in all other aspects.

It’s all very stressful seeing my parents in this situation but my dad makes everything so much worse. He is a complete awkward pain in the arse. This isn’t a new situation, he has always been quite selfish and self-centred.

He constantly moans about mum and her behaviour. Constantly saying ‘she has no idea what she is doing to me, how much stress she is putting me under’ or ‘I may as well have dementia myself because my life is over, I can’t go anywhere’ etc. But he is his own worst enemy, he won’t take onboard any suggestions from anyone. My parents are very comfortable financially, not only is their house worth quite a bit but due to mum’s father leaving her a lot of money in his will (we are taking hundreds of thousands of pounds), dad will not spend a penny on anything to help. He believes everything is a rip-off and everyone is out to take his money. He is always asking me to find out if he is entitled to a free this or free that. I have never asked for a penny off them but he constantly tells me that he doesn’t believe in leaving inheritance to family and is always quoting from tv shows he’s watched where someone says they don’t agree in passing on inheritance etc. Yet ironically he has been living a bloody lovely life these past 20+ years because my lovely generous grandad left all his money to my mum, NOT my dad but his daughter and my dad took it upon himself to class that money as his as well. Now my mum has all these health issues he will hardly spend a penny to make her life more comfortable. He sees the day centre as extortion (its £45 for 3 hours), he refuses for mum to go there another day even though he constantly moans that’s he is trapped with her at home. It took me 3 years of trying to get a carer in the mornings to help mum get showered. The lovely carer is willing to offer more help such as offering a sit in service but dad won’t spend the money, he’d rather I do it for nothing. Mum could really do with an adjustable bed but he says no and that I’m interfering, yet he treated himself to a new mattress last year! I’m trying to get him to buy mum an adjustable armchair as she is always in pain but he’s faffing about looking at loads and saying they are all a ‘rip off’. I have POA and I know legally I can override his decision but that is so much easier said than done. It would cause untold stress.

I go in 5 days a week to help where I can. I take mum to the day centre (and make her a packed lunch), take her to all her hospital appointments, I organise everything which is available to them (they wouldn’t have the council tax discount or attendance allowance if it wasn’t for me), I do all of mum’s admin, keep all her hospital letters etc, make all her appointments etc. Between my sister and I we wash their clothes and do their cleaning etc. Yet dad constantly moans that everything is down to him. Whenever we have had social services or organisations in to see what they can help with he will tell them he is mum’s carer and everything is down to him to deal with. He really has no idea how fortunate he is to not only have one daughter live round the corner but both of his children and that we pop in and see them all the time. My parents very rarely have a day when they are on their own.

My sister and I have our own families and our health issues but my dad couldn’t really give a toss about that. We are both in pain from endometriosis and I have constant gut issues. My sister had a parathyroid tumour removed last Monday and was cleaning their house the day before. I was so pissed off my dad was happy having her clean their home when she should have been at home and taking it easy (she was really stressed about the op).

And on top of all this shit, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. I took her to the appointment and watched my poor mum being scanned, having a mammogram and then a painful biopsy performed and looking so confused by it all only to be told it’s more than likely bc. FFS!

I love my parents and feel so bad for them but my dad is putting so much stress onto us and he doesn’t see it. I’ve tried telling him but he changes the subject. He won’t put mum into care as he doesn’t want to spent the money yet at the same time he says he’s got to keep all the money incase she goes in a home but he really is using this as an excuse as he has always been tight-fisted. He has enough money and space to have a live in career but says he doesn’t want anyone living in his house.

I don’t know what I’ve achieved by writing such a long and (probably boring) thread but I am so bloody miserable and am getting to the point I dread going to my parents to see them.

I am about to take mum to the day centre then going to the bank with dad as he’s swooped over banks and wants me to help him make as much money as he can and I’ll just have to sit there with a fake smile on my face.

Never thought my life would have be o e so bloody miserable in middle age and it all being down to my parents!

I am going to be harsh here but you are enabling him here. With POA just go out and buy what Mum needs. She has the money, don’t discuss with him. Just do it and so what if he gets annoyed.

I agree, op. As I said, you and your sister are allowing your father to abuse your mother, and you literally have the power to stop him and help your mother. You should have taken control ages and ages ago. All of this stress wouldn't be there if you had. Your father is going to be pissed off but why would you care? He's a miserable, mean and punishing old man. The way he is treating your mother is appalling and criminal.

You must put a stop to this.

Sounds like financial abuse. He is not using her money to make her life better. As pp says I would contact safeguarding team. Warn him first that you are going to do this unless he steps up and looks after her properly.

He's deliberately obstructing her care, and sadly it's horribly common.
It isn't fair that your Mum is being neglected (and I mean that word to mean she could be getting more help than she is, not that you're not doing your bit) because of his inability to open his wallet. It is financial abuse, and whilst horrid to have to address, you have a duty to give your Mum the best end of life she can have. Time for some tough love, I hate to say, but go gently. He's probably been looked by her for his entire life, and now the whole weight feels as though it's on his shoulders when he's naturally slowing down with age and not coping as well. This will have been a massive shift for him as well as your Mum.

I hope you find a way forward. It's hard, and sometimes a very thankless task.

This may or may not be something at the back of your mind already, but I'm wondering whether his attitude is now bordering on both financial and elder abuse. Do you think that maybe you need to discuss this possibility with social services?

His stubbornness and refusal to spend money on your DM is making her suffer unnecessarily.

Yes! It is bloody harsh of you to say I’m enabling my father, you literally have no idea what he’s like.
I break my back trying my best for my mum and doing my utmost to keep all these plates spinning in the air (whilst trying to live my own life). It’s far from easy.
I am not my fathers side kick or agree with any of his decision making.
I am trying my best for my mother.

i say this gently but I echo the point about financial abuse. Social services will take this seriously if the lack of provision for your mum is adversely affecting her health.

It’s a very difficult situation to be in as if you stop helping your dad your dm suffers. It sounds very much like you and your sister are suffering carer breakdown ( understandably so).

you have probably reached the limit of what you are able to achieve between without involving social services. Even though they won’t pay for care it shouldn’t stop them providing a carer assessment or be involved in investigating financial abuse if that’s something you choose to pursue.

id also suggest asking the gp to arrange a district nurse assessment especially given the new cancer diagnosis and that you are concerned your mum needs an adjustable bed. District nurses can assess and provide if your dm meets the criteria. I would also contact dms gp and alert them to the situation with your dad refusing professional involvement for your mum,. Your dad doesn’t have the right to refuse health care for your dm should he try to refuse district nursing service. So if that’s arranged it would be worth explaining that to him.

unfortunately it will be stressful getting the help in for your dm but it doesn’t sound as though you can go on like this either.

Your father is a garden variety abuser. We know very well what he's like. You have the power to help your mother, use it.

You're going to have to make some very tough decisions which are not going to please your Dad. If you have POA, you can use her money to pay for a care home for her. It sounds like she's not being cared for properly at all. You need to be brave, stand up to your Dad and take control here first your Mums sake.

@Silverumbrella

If you have a valid POA and you're not using it, you are enabling your father to financial abuse your mother. You have the power to ensure she is provided for.

Surely that's why the POA exists at all? Because your mother wanted YOU to make decisions about her care and money.

But you're not, you're watching your father do things you know are wrong.

I wonder if you could access some support or advice? There might be a mediation or advice service that could sit down with you, and then with your dad and you to explain that you are in charge of your mothers money and will be spending it on her care.

Time to grit your teeth and ignore your Darin the best interests of your mother. You have PoA, it’s there for a reason, use it!

Yes, it will be stressful and difficult , but surely it’s is better to do something that actively helps your mum - at least the stress will come from making things better for your mum. Your dad can harrumph / complain / give you the silent treatment all he likes. Just tell him the truth and then ignore him. You and your sister can do this together.

wishing you strength and courage!

I have been reading your posts, and cannot just past by, without letting you know I understand so well your situation. My mum also developed dementia, and I spent as much time as I could travelling from one end of the country to visit and primarily making sure she was getting help?my dad aged 90, and she 88. He had been a lovely kind husband during their long marriage, but he really thought he could look after her, and he couldn't, he wouldn't listen to any suggestions, he became so aggressive towards me, my brother would not confront him and he had got LPA, so the situation just got worse, I got SS involved and the district nurse, my father had like yours thousands in the bank but would not spend it to make my mum more comfortable. I was advised to raise it with SS as a safe guarding issue, quoting duty of care etc, I was fighting for my mum. Eventually we got carers in morning, lunchtime, and evening. This was all in 2018/2019 then covid hit, my brother had to now step up, and we protected them as best we could. I now know my father's mind was also affected by dementia, he covered it up well explained a lot of his 'attitude' You are doing a really good job your sister and you, and keep fighting for your mother to be cared for properly. Don't lose heart, and be assertive with SS and other providers

Rebel69 has a good point when she mentions her father developing dementia while caring. Sometimes a spouse will be starting to have a problem, but it's completely overshadowed by the other person's needs. And of course a person with dementia won't recognise signs in their partner.

It may not be that your father is just being tight and selfish in this situation. Sometimes when a person rejects all suggestions except their own, it's because their brain is overwhelmed and can't process information coming in from the outside. In those situations, empathy is out the window because it's too hard to see things from a different person's perspective.

It might not be that your dad won't help your mum, but that he can't.

There is a reason your mum gave you POA. Please use it to ensure she gets the care she needs. I think you are not seeing the wood for the trees here, which is understandable, but you really need to look at this objectively.

I have a very good idea what your Father is like. I didnt see mine for a number of years due to his attitude of never being wrong, wanting everything his way and bullying his way into people's lives.

HE WAS NEVER WRONG AND WOULD HAVE AN ARGUMENT IN AN EMPTY ROOM.

When you are right in the middle of something like this you really dont see what is happening. You tiptoe around this person not wanting to upset them or them having a go at you or giving you the silent treatment. As I got older I realised I did have a say in what I wanted to do and when he was just plain wrong.

In the end he came to me for help. His house was a nightmare, his ability to manage his life had gone and he was ripe for scammers because of the value of his house (and other savings he had). So I literally laid down the law to him, I would help but he wasnt to go back to his old ways, he was to tell me everything he knew about his finances so I could sort out. He made me his POA and all was OK in the end. He passed away in a care home not unhappy with his life and myself and my siblings were always welcome.

I honestly think what you dont see is it from your Mum's point of view because your Father is at the forefront of everything that you want to do. You dont want to get him kicking off but what is he going to realistically do? You have a very valuable document in the POA. She must have wanted you to look after her health and wellbeing otherwise the POA wouldnt have been signed and your Father would have had complete control.

As others have said you need to safeguard your DM.

If your DF has got worse it could be because he too has health issues.

I remember reading Fiona Phillip’s book about her family struggles with dementia. Her DM was diagnosed with it, and they found her DF’s reaction quite odd. After DM’s death they realised he had dementia too but had presented differently. And now Fiona has it too 😔

They are not saying you are doing it deliberately. But your father is putting you in the position of an enabler, so you have to protect yourself as well as your mother.

What actually happened at the bank? Your mother was there so presumably the money was in a joint account. Is it still in a joint account?

I suspect your Dad has been controlling and awful all his life, and that is why you are leery of upsetting him. I suspect he has always controlled and abused your mother, which is why she gave you PoA, but also that he was abusive toward you. Yes, you are in a difficult emotional situation, and therapy may help here to recognise the role your own childhood experiences play in this. But whatever you do, you MUST use your PoA. Let your Dad bluster. You're an adult now, so his blustering is just that--he doesn't get a say in your life anymore. You WILL ensure your Mum has adequate care, and he can FIFO (fit in or fuck off). I suspect standing up to him will be initially bloody awful, but that long term you will feel so much relief at letting go of a lifelong dynamic that has been awful for you.

Dear OP. I want to echo Tracker 1234 and CallItloniliness here.
As POA you have an obligation to your DM to make the best decisions for her If you are not prepared to do so, because you are unwilling to go against your F, you should not have taken on the responsibility. I am sorry to say that by not acting on her behalf now, you are letting your DM down. What is the worst that could happen if you annoy your F anyway? Let him stew if necessary. Just do the right thing for your poor mother.

Maybe if you can sort out separate accounts for them, that will be easier? Then your dad has his, and he can do what he likes with that. And your mum has hers, which is administered by you as her attorney. then you can buy what she needs.

you said that you went to the bank to set up a separate account? What money will go in there (other than the attendance allowance)? Half of whatever is in their joint accounts?

FIL tended to think of their money as ‘his’ money, including MILs attendance allowance, which he just let build up. he’d been the breadwinner all those years, he had a decent pension while hers was pennies. DH did eventually have to do what @Tracker1234 did, and get him to hand over all his financial papers etc, as he’d got in a right muddle. They were then able to correctly separate the finances, set up separate accounts etc which was hard for FIL but had to be done as the financial assessments etc treat them as individuals.

Are you the only POA? Not your dad or sister?

☝️

@Silverumbrella - you’re becoming really defensive because you know PPs are right. You are enabling this. Your DDad may have been scary for years, but you have the power now. Use that to help your poor mum. No parent of mine would want for anything in the circumstances you describe. You don’t even need to go via him for money. I’d be out on a massive spending spree today, buying clothes and soft blankets and a decent armchair and bed. ANYTHING to make her life more comfortable. So what if it costs a couple of grand?